I remember the day we told our pastor we had just filed our adoption papers and that he should be expecting a reference request from the agency. He quickly responded, "Air out your issues now, because a baby will quickly change that" as he prayed for us. In all honesty, I thought it was that generic marriage advice that everyone gives you right before you marry ("never go to bed angry," "communicate," "love each other," etc. etc. etc.). Standing on the other side of the filing, I can say he was spot on and his advice was far from generic. RAHD and I have always thought we had a strong relationship - we are honest with each other, we spend time with each other, and we are in general a good team.
Wow, were we jaded. If you truly want to test the strength of your marriage, try adding a few life changes to the mix. Might I suggest a few of the following - leaving a job, starting a new job, working to promote in an independent consulting business, adopting a baby. Let's compound all of this into a 6-month period. Seriously, this has been our life since April. No wonder we were recommended for counseling as we entered this adoption process.
If you've followed the journey on fb, you know that we spent the majority of the summer not in the home study interviews but on marriage counseling. I'm not gonna lie - I HATED the idea of our needing it at first. Maybe it was my pride stepping in the way of what needed to be done for our relationship. I almost felt vindicated in my beliefs when our friends were shocked that we had to enter counseling. But how much do they really know aside from the high points we share on the social medias? Please don't take this as an outcry for more honesty in the things we share on facebook, instagram, and the like - it's more of a plea to be honest with ourselves, y'all. We have GOT to stop believing that the things we post (a) validate us, (b) make us better than someone else on our friend list, and (c) are the only truth about our lives. {Is it possible to step on your own toes, because I'm pretty sure I just did?}
We were paired with the most fantastic counselor this summer who walked us through what attachment looks like in secure versus insecure adults, the need for more communication within our marriage, and our own issues with avoidance. She challenged us to work on our relationship and really pour into each other. I mean, if we are preparing to welcome a child into our home and if we are already empty, there is no way we could effectively pour into this child and raise him the right way. Two months - a lot of homework and prayer, and more tissues than I can count - later, we were given the clearing to formally enter the home study process. We are eternally grateful for an agency who believes in the strength of marriage while also preparing families for adoption.
The home study process for us actually lasted about 10-12 weeks from the first home visit to the final interview. We answered question after question about our lives and backgrounds, our feelings on birth parent ministry and trans-racial adoption, and attachment and relationships. Because of all our counseling work over the summer, the questions were truthfully not overwhelming since we had already discussed most of them and needed to put our answers in writing. After our third interview, we were told to begin working on our profile book (what a friend of mine referred to, fittingly, as the "parent catalog") to show to birth mothers. Observations: compartmentalizing your life into "about me," "marriage," "home," and "nursery plans" while being mindful of choosing the "right" pictures and speaking of yourself exclusively in third person is exhausting. And a tad bit weird. {Real talk moment here - we fought over this book. And not just over things like fonts and backgrounds. We had a major argument over my own stubbornness and starting the book without seeking help. I was prideful in my own digital scrapbooking abilities if we're being real, and I didn't want to ask for help or seek assistance on a book that is to represent our marriage and our life - ouch. After some tears and some time to vent into my journal, we came together to work on the book and were able to complete it and send it to our social worker for approval.} She made some suggestions about which photo would be best on the cover, an appropriate ending, and other things to make it better. We finally settled on an appropriate cover photo that was actually the very first wedding photo we saw from our photographer's first round of edits. God is in the details. Our social worker said over and over "I saw you and heard you throughout this book," which is exactly what we wanted.
Our final interview was yesterday, and we actually had a chance to speak with our counselor from this summer and catch her up on what God is doing in our marriage and in our adoption. It was such a sweet reunion. In our interview, we talked about what the process will look like from here, and frankly, it is a lot of waiting. And I mean a lot. We will wait an additional 2-3 weeks for our home study document to be finalized and approved before our profile book can be shown to potential birth mothers. Then we wait for her to read several profiles at one time before choosing. And we wait to hear from our social worker on a yes or a no. And we wait for another round of viewing if it's a no. And we wait for delivery if it's a yes. And we wait for relinquishment of rights. And we wait for ICPC clearance if it's an out-of-state birth mother. And we wait for adoption day at the agency where we sign papers and get legal documents. And we wait for our day in court when we will stand before a judge with our family there, promising to care for this child.
And we wait for this child to have his first tooth, his first day of school, his first friend, his first heartbreak, and so many other milestones. We wait for the first time we hold this precious gift. There is peace in the waiting. As our social worker prayed over us at the end of our interview, she prayed "bless the waiting," and it hit me {as I wept for the umpteenth time on that couch} that this doesn't have to be a stressful time. This is a time for RAHD and I to savor each other and enjoy the things about each other than make us tic. This is a time for us to pray evermore for our birth mother and future child. So many of you have bathed us in prayer, and we can never adequately express our gratitude to you.
Several people have asked for specific things to pray, so here it goes. Pray that God uses this time to teach us about himself and about each other, that we would savor the last of our "just us" days, and that we would earnestly seek his will when we view information on a potential birth mother. Pray that all of the birth mothers who read our profile are affirmed in their decision to choose life. Pray for the safety of our birth mother and child, for openness and peace, for her future - her goals and dreams, her family - her salvation, her strong support system, and that she be in the right place at the right time. Above all, pray that God be glorified in every step of this journey. Thank you for all you've done and continue to do for us. We love each of you.
