two hands

One year ago, our world completely transformed. If you don't know the story, on May 25, 2019, we were hours away from becoming a family of 4 when the birth mother we had been matched with chose instead to parent. It was a day that truly defined the trajectory of our family. We went from being sure that things would be wrapped up in a neat, pretty bow to having the wrapping paper torn to shreds with a single phone call. I remember so many specific things about that afternoon - what we did, what we said, and unfortunately the overwhelming grief and sorrow that originated that day. 

But I insisted we press forward, because I felt compelled to move on in my spirit. It took us several months (i.e., 7) to get to a place where we knew that by continuing on the path at that time was not what we needed to do. After many fights and lots of tears, we decided to place a temporary hold on our next adoption in the beginning of January. And then a peace filled our home (don't misread that for rainbows and puppy dogs; it was just much more peaceful). We laughed, we rested, we moved forward. After the turnaround we saw, I was almost certain we were "done" with our permanent family. At the end of February, I remember telling 2 separate acquaintances that I felt like we were done. We did not have a lot of conversations about the specifics of reactivating or if we even would.

Then on our 8th anniversary, a random word on the way home from picking up our takeout dinner sparked the conversation anew. We prayed together about it. We asked our closest circle to pray with us for discernment and wisdom. We agreed that our hearts were being pulled toward reactivation and that we were in a place as a family where we could begin opening our hearts to the roller coaster of adoption again. We reached out to our domestic specialist and met with her and our social worker via Zoom (a completely odd experience might I add). We talked about next steps and built an updated profile book. In that meeting, we talked about the work we had done in the past year and how the Lord had worked especially over the first part of 2020 to restore our relationship. 

I was talking with my therapist last week about how Rebekah and I would not have done the work we had to do on our communication had we not been forced into this position. I truly think had our match gone through, we would have meandered along in mediocrity - to the detriment of our relationship. Let me just throw out there that we are by no means the picture perfect couple in terms of communication, but my oh my we have come a long way in the past year. That realization made me somewhat grateful for the events of the past year. 

Don't mishear me - I would not wish the heartbreak of these past 366 days on anyone. However, I can still be grateful for the work that the Lord has done in us. In therapy, we talked about how sometimes sadness and happiness or grief and joy can coexist. Not often are our emotions mutually exclusive. As a friend of ours stated so beautifully, "My counselor always told me we could hold utter grief and devastation in one hand, and complete thankfulness and joy in the other. And thank God both feelings can be felt at the same time. We are beautiful beings!" 

I am grateful for a heavenly Father who made us with two hands to hold two complex and sometimes confusing emotions. I am grateful for the life of BSD, even though he is not with us. I am grateful for the work the Lord has done in our household. And I am thankful that He is with us every step of the way.