positive parenting sans puppets

In case you've forgotten, my wife and I are in the home study process of our adoption. This will be our first child, and we are excited to be on this path. If you would like to follow our journey, visit our Facebook page here and share it with your friends and family. While I am excited, I often worry (there's a shocker for the day) about my own demons and insecurities manifesting themselves in our child. We have a wonderful counselor through Lifeline Children's Services, our local adoption agency, who recommended a parenting book to me recently in one of our sessions; she said, "You can't lead your child to a level of healing you haven't yet experienced yourself." You better believe I wrote that one down in my adoption journal (what, you don't have an adoption journal separate from your regular journal?). The quote was from Karyn Purvis' The Connected Child. The major premise of the book is bringing healing to adoptive children and bringing about healing for your family.
While the book, at times, read like a human growth and development textbook, Purvis and her team had several great strategies. Something she stressed was that adopted or fostered children often face several challenges before they even enter your home. Most of the time, these children have grown up quickly before you had the chance to meet them, and as a result, they face attachment difficulties. The best thing an adoptive parent can do for his child is to love him unconditionally. There are often things that will stop him from accepting that love initially, but Purvis encourages the reader not to give up. I really liked her idea of offering a choice in a clear, calm voice (often counting off the two options with one and two fingers in a non-threatening way) when your child is being difficult. For example, "You have two choices. You may walk beside the cart at the grocery store or you may ride in the buggy. Which do you choose?" If a child chooses to walk but then breaks the agreement, the parent is to remind the child of the choice and offer "If you don't stick to our agreement, I will choose for you." (i.e., You act afool and I will put your tail in this buggy and will even leave the buggy sitting in the store and take you home for your consequence which will be worse.) Purvis never advocates giving a free pass to a child simply because he is emotionally troubled and from an unstable background. Instead, she encourages parents to connect with their own feelings (yikes!), be firm and fair, and enforce the boundaries that have been set.
Overall I enjoyed this read. It has a lot of good strategies that would apply to any parent, not just an adoptive one. My wife and I discussed a lot of the elements in the book as I read, and we will be enforcing many of them in our house (though I'm not too sure about those puppet shows when #babydoop is afraid of the potty...puppets scare me). Several strategies presented are very akin to the Montessori method of learning, and that is something that is a high topic of discussion in our house since Rebekah teaches at a local Montessori school. If you are struggling with an emotionally detached child, are an adoptive parent, or are a family member or support system for someone who is adopting, I highly highly recommend this book.

3.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

end of excuses

So y'all know I love real-life and autobiographies. And y'all know I love to run. So a book about someone's running adventures is like pure gold! If there's a hint of adversity, it's even better. One such book I would recommend is Stronger by Jeff Bauman, a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombing. If you've read that and enjoyed it, you will love Grace to Race written by Sister Madonna Buder, a lady known as the Iron Nun. 
While the first half of the book recounts her growing up and enjoying various activities (which admittedly doesn't move that quickly), the second half deals with her foray into the competitive world of running and triathlons. Madonna details her decision to join the Catholic faith, her family's reaction to choosing the life of a nun, and the emotional reactions she had throughout all of that. While serving as a nun, she is constantly shifted from one convent to another all over the country - from Washington to Florida and everywhere in between. While attending a conference at the age of 48, she randomly decides to go for a jog on the beach and discovers she loves the sport. Over time she expands her distance and begins running marathons regularly, even qualifying for Boston (insert jealousy here). As marathoning loses its lore, she eventually tries her hand at triathlons, which is a whole new beast, but it is where she truly begins to flourish. With painful honesty, Buder recalls the various injuries she sustains, many of which required surgery, while training and racing. In spite of it all, she somehow manages to set record after record. She opens new age categories in multiple Ironman triathlons (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run) and sets long-standing records in them. Sister Madonna is nothing short of a pioneer who truly makes you wonder what your excuse is. If she, in spite of her injuries and setbacks, can do all this, why can't I conquer my fears? This was a good, quick read that was enjoyable most of the way.

3.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

pill poppin' palooza

Despite the fact that I brought 4 books with me on my trip to Mobile, I wound up with nothing to read on my last day there thanks to 2 books that were less than stellar. Thankfully, my mom is more obsessed with books than I am. Her kitchen has 2 sets of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves that are double stacked and running out of room. A second bedroom has the same setup with children's books. As a math nerd, people always ask why I love English, reading, and writing; I get it honestly is all I can really say. We were always doing summer reading at the library and constantly had books growing up. I said all that to say, I went pursuing through the mom-brary and stumbled upon All Fall Down from Jennifer Weiner. Side note: If I were a famous author and went by a pseudonym as so many do, I sure wouldn't choose anything that could make middle school boys (and their former teachers) giggle when they saw it. Just keeping it real, y'all! Weiner reminds me a lot of Emily Giffin. If you like her work, you will probably like this one.

Weiner weaves a tale of suburban mom Allison Weiss who has become addicted to prescription painkillers and her subsequent fall from grace. This story is especially relevant for our time; I just read here that Xanax is now the #2 cause of DUI in the state of Alabama. If there were ever a "time" for a book like this, it is now. Allison finds herself unhappy with where her life is: her weight, her overly-sensitive / might need medication at age 7 daughter, her husband who is slipping away and eventually finds a work wife, her father's progression toward Alzheimer's. She is simply at a place where she can no longer "handle" all that life throws her way. Conveniently, she threw her back out several years before and has a Percocet prescription. But soon, that's not enough; it takes more than one for her to survive the day. Then it's Vicodin; next it's OxyContin. She has several doctors on speed dial who will call in prescriptions for her at a moment's notice. She even begins shopping the black market online to get her fix. 

While her blogging career takes off, her personal life continues to spin out of control. She is eventually caught by a teacher at her daughter's school when she shows up to carpool stoned. Her husband then tries to intervene and she tries to take herself off the pills - bad decision. She goes into full withdrawal mode and tries to get more pills from a doc-in-a-box, which lands her in the hospital and eventually a rehab facility where she is miserable. She even breaks out for her daughter's birthday party. She returns and finds / realizes for herself that she actually needs more time in rehab than her original 28 days. Suddenly we find Allison back at home with her daughter, out of rehab and learning to adjust to life as a recovering addict - no tales of the 60 days she spent in rehab. All is suddenly right in the world, or so it appears.

I loved the fact that Allison spoke her mind freely in the book and that the book was written first-person. I love that she was occasionally vulnerable in spite of her addiction-ladeled craziness. I didn't love the way we jumped directly from returning to rehab to out of it. Seriously, I wanted some "scoop" on what she really endured when she committed to her own healing. I also didn't love the way the book bogged down in the middle and lost my attention. It started strong and kept me entertained at first, but then I found myself just wanting it to end. I'm a fairly quick reader, but this one took me over a week (granted, we nested and cleaned out the future nursery and organized all the things, plus I had a day-long workshop), and that was just not cool with me. It was decent but it is not a book i will put on my list of things I have to tell people to read.

2.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets. 

lad lit

I love love love a good beach read. You know the type - raunchy, completely lacking in depth, but easy to read in a day or so. They're my go-to summer read. Usually I follow in the lane of anything by Elin Hilderbrand, but sometimes I tire of reading about a femme fatale who has either (a) just gotten terribly terminal news, (b) found out her husband / boyfriend / significant other is really a tramp, or (c) just wants to go to the island to "find herself." Don't get me wrong, I love Elin and read most of her work (new book from her this Tuesday, y'all!), but I tire of the estrogen overdose. Sometimes, we men need a lighthearted read about relationships that will make us laugh, that will be a quick read, and that will ultimately leave us appreciative of the relationship we have. Gentlemen, we are in luck! No longer are we constrained to "chick lit" for our beach reads. Allow me to introduce what I would like to call "lad lit" (let's make that a thing!). 
For my return from #251, I had lined up Christopher Noxon's debut novel Plus One, a random audiobook I stumbled upon while perusing the library. After a disappointing listen on the trip down, I was glad to have this one for a pick-me-up. The book centers around Alex Sherman-Zicklin (yep, he took his wife's name) and his life as his television writer wife's "plus one" at red carpet events. When Figgy (nope, not making that up) wins her first Emmy (on her 14th series attempt), she becomes the talk of Hollywood and Alex begins to struggle with his new role as the secondary bread winner at home. When Figgy gets an insane pay raise, Alex decides to become a stay-at-home dad for precocious 7-year-old Silvia and cosmetic-making fourth-grade Scott (this book truly has every element of the modern family). Alex also begins hobnobbing with other plus ones and discovers artisanal butchers, Vietnamese day spas, man-scaping, and the ever-terrifying snip-snip down below (just wait for the plot twist on that one!). In the meantime, the butcher's assistant tries to start a fling with Alex only to advance her own career by getting in with Figgy, leaving him really struggling with his identity and worth as a man. I won't spoil the plot for you, but it may not necessarily end as you think. 
Overall, Noxon does a great job of capturing the male perspective on relationship. So many times, light-hearted reads that delve into the deeper aspects of what makes marriage work are centered on the wife's perspective, and this was refreshing. He used zingers when necessary, kept the plot moving forward with excellent prose, and kept the reader interested at all times. It's nice to find a book geared toward men (at least in my head, that's the target audience here; who really knows?) that isn't all war, guns, and spies - not that I don't like those things. Again, this was a breath of fresh air and something different. I would read more of Noxon's work.

4 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

nostalgic nothingness

Coming-of-age novels are one of my all-time favorites. It takes me back to the awkward days of middle school when my biggest concern was whether or not I put my name on my algebra homework. I recently found a review of M.O. Walsh's My Sunshine Away, which was touted as a coming-of-age novel set in the late 80s chock full of nostalgic references. While I came-of-age in the 90s, I absolutely love the 80s. Plus this was set in the South, so I was thrilled. The gist of the plot is that the main character (whose name I have already forgotten, I kid you not) recounts the years of his adolescence in which he is accused of raping the neighbor girl on whom he had an obsession-level crush and concludes with his turn as a father in his late 20s.
I just traveled to my hometown for a quick visit with my friends and family, and I had my iPod loaded with the audiobook; I thought I was set. Boy was I wrong. I appreciate nostalgia, first-person accounts, and adolescence. What I don't appreciate is a narrative that drags and drags and drags on. The majority of the 9-hour listen could have been eliminated. While recounting a memory, the narrator goes on a tangent about what it was like when New Orleans residents who were displaced by Katrina began infiltrating his beloved Baton Rouge. Seriously, how did that move the plot forward? There was even a point in the book where I was constructing a haiku in my head while I drove, because I was that bored. But I had to finish, because I am not a quitter! All in all, don't waste your time.

1.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

brain biology

One of the positive side effects of OCD is planning ahead for just about every single situation. So you shouldn't be surprised to learn that I've already started reading parenting books. I mean, it's never too soon to get some strategies and ideas. Our adoption counselor recommended Daniel Siegel & Tina Bryson's The Whole Brain Child as a resource for our preparations, and I was on board from the start. It met my needs for nerdiness and preparing to be the best parent I can be for our #babydoop.
Their work focuses on the science behind our brains and how to integrate the parts of the brain (left and right, upstairs and downstairs, etc) into a cohesive whole. While you might think this would read like a biology textbook, it doesn't at all. I was able to read it in a day and half that were interspersed with driving and visiting with family and friends in my hometown, so it's not excruciating at all. Siegel ad Bryson write in easy-to-read language and present 12 easy strategies for you to use with your child to encourage a healthy brain and healthier child, teen, or young adult. One of the best aspects of this book is that it has scripted conversation starters you can use with your child to use the strategies, broken down by age category. There is even an accompanying workbook with worksheets and exercises that you can find here. I highly recommend this if you're struggling with how to handle the arguing, the emotional outbursts, the general weariness of parenthood; I guarantee you will find something you can apply to your life with your child this week. It is a book that I have already planned on purchasing for the #babydoop library.

4 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

why i teach

I have always loved school. Like love loved. The appearance of school supplies each July fills my little chubby heart with infinite glee. Even as an elementary student, I was fascinated by composition notebooks, freshly-sharpened pencils, and three-prong folders (but let's be honest - those prongs were a total joke, and don't ask me to take out a sheet from the front of that folder unless you'd like me to take said sheet and give you a big ole paper cut on the face). It was no wonder that I chose education as a career. When I run into former teachers with whom I haven't kept in touch, the most common response is "I'm not surprised" when they learn of my career choice. I was and still am fascinated by learning, academia, and the brain. But oh, there's so much more than that. There's the way that struggling student lights up with glee when he finally gets it. There's the sound of appreciation in a parent's voice when you call to brag on her daughter. There's the hugs (ok, not really those because math boy doesn't like that), the laughs at the end of a crazy hard lesson when a student makes an off the cuff remark, the sincere thankfulness that a student whispers on the way out because he knows you really do believe in him. These are the things that keep me afloat when I want to throw in the towel, especially near spring break and exam time.
I love reading books about teachers in the trenches. Some of you may remember Tony Danza's foray into teaching a few years ago for a short-lived A&E series about what it really takes to be a teacher. Danza chronicled his adventures in I'd Like to Apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had; I'll spare you the subtitle, but it's just as long. Danza does what many "from the field" books fail to do, in that he was completely and utterly honest about how overwhelmed he was every day of the year. Granted, he taught only one class of students for the duration of the year, so I kind of chuckled when I thought about what he would really feel like if he had, oh I don't know 200 students in one school year. Tony (I couldn't help but read it in his voice and expect to read "Moh-nah" at some point!) shares his triumphs: successful projects, the first time he connects with a student in particular; his stumbles: the fights that broke out in his classroom, the time the principal walked in on an unplanned movie; and his struggles: balancing all it takes to teach plus having a family, feeling pulled in every possible direction. With his trademark honesty, Danza paints a beautiful picture of the struggle every public school teacher faces day in and day out while also expressing his sincere appreciation for what we do. 
If you are a teacher, you will be reminded why you are in the profession when you read this. If you aren't a teacher, maybe you will be inspired to thank one. We get a lot of bad press these days - testing cover-ups, summer breaks, snow days, promiscuous relationships with students - but please remember that there are a lot of good teachers out there who aren't any of those things. My profession is full of hard-working men and women who get to work early, leave late, wear countless hats for their students, and are truly passionate about their job - not the cash. So why do I teach? Because someone believed in me many years ago and showed me I could change a few lives. I may not be able to change the whole world, but if I can change the way one young person thinks about himself or about math, then it is all worth it.

3.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

foxy for a fat kid

One of my other favorite genres is real-life / memoirs. If it has a touch of coming-of-age, I'm on board. If someone transforms his or her life in the book, take my money - I'm sold! One such book that really did that for me was Andie Mitchell's It Was Me All Along. It was a heartbreaking tale of the author's journey to a new body through extreme weight loss. It really hit home with me, because she finally realized that fat or thin, she was still her all along.  What some of you don't know is that I used to be a bit of a #beefytee myself. When I graduated high school, I was nearly 275 pounds; today I am a marathoner and nearly 100 pounds lighter.

Left: High School Graduation May 2004
Right: Nashville Marathon April 2015

In college, I began really investing in myself and journeyed from a dark place of doubt and real self-loathing to reach a place where I am finally happy with who I am today. It took me a long time, lots of clothes in between, and even a bout with near-anorexia (I was shopping in the kids' section as a 20-year old, y'all) in between, but I am thankful for the journey I have been on and where it has taken me. The real reason you're here though is for this next review.

Another powerful weight loss memoir is Weightless by Gregg McBride, a screenwriter who used to weigh over 450 pounds. Through hard work and exercise, Gregg now weighs 175 pounds and has been at that weight for over a decade! Kudos, Gregg, for real! McBride never backs down from what got him to where he was when he was at his heaviest - disappointment in his own life (a sexually abusive babysitter, an absent father, a mother who told her male suitors he and his sister were adopted?!?) and even details his typical binge meals, leaving me in shock most of the time. He describes the horror of his big-as-they-come pants cutting off his oxygen supply, his belt hanging on by a thread, and the look on potential employers' faces when he showed up for an interview not at all looking like the person they interviewed on the phone. He visits a lot of really deep places emotionally, and boy have I been there. I remember when my belt buckle would literally cut into my belly and cause me to bleed. I remember never being able to get a girlfriend in high school because I was deemed too fat. I remember being scared that I could no longer shop at the mall because the stores didn't carry clothes in my size. 

Thankfully, Gregg decided to better his way of life and dropped over 200 pounds in a year - a feat most people thought was due to some miraculous surgery but was in fact all due to healthy eating and increased exercise. He eventually found his ideal weight after a gain and subsequent loss of 100 pounds, but still struggled with his new body. McBride accurately describes finding clothes to hide all the excess skin, the mortification he felt when he heard it all flapping around as he danced for his friends, and his painful decision to have surgery to remove his excess skin. He describes the glee he felt when he was able to shop in the average size section at Gap (cue water works over here - I seriously still remember the first time a small shirt buttoned for me; it was life-altering). Even though he lost over 12 pounds of excess skin from the surgery, I can say with certainty upon hearing about how painful it was and how the scars have affected him that I am glad I haven't had my excess skin removed - it makes me me. While we both struggle with still seeing the fat kid when we look in the mirror, we both know we are in a better place than we were before. While I, like Gregg, know that I will always have to monitor my eating and be mindful of the exercise I get and realize that's a sacrifice, I know that it is one worth making because I am investing in what matters - me. 

McBride also includes a bonus section for anyone who is interested in starting his or her own journey of self-transformation. It includes his 4 keys to success, tips on what worked best for him, and recipes for healthier meals to be included with his eating plans. You won't be sorry that you made the sacrifice to better yourself.

4 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

bayou bliss

One of my favorite genres is the thriller. There's something about the weirdness that embodies the story line that reminds me that my life is more normal than I often think it is. While it sometimes makes me a bit paranoid while I run, it's a wonderful escape from the day-to-day chaos of teaching, running, and fundraising. My all-time favorite thriller is Gillian Flynn's masterpiece Gone Girl. Seriously, I have read it three times and seen the movie in the theater (a rare treat in the Doop house), and it still amazes and perplexes me every time. There's something about the "whodunnit" feel plus the he said / she said element that continues to blow my mind.
Another recent thriller that has seen much critical success is Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train, in which no one is really sure until the final 30 pages who is guilty. The "twist" at the end is truly remarkable. If thrillers are your thing and you haven't given it a shot, please do me a favor and go to the library today and get added to the request list that will undoubtedly have at least 70 names ahead of you for 3 copies in the whole county. But I digress. If you liked TGOTT, you will love this read.
I recently stumbled upon The First Wife, a new thriller by Erica Spindler, while perusing the covers at the library (confession - a pretty cover draws me in every single time and I am a bit of a cover art snob; this cover was just interesting enough to draw me to the jacket summary). TFW begins with our heroine Bailey waking up in a hospital room, the events of the previous days very hazy in her brain. We are then taken back a few months prior to the Caribbean where she meets Logan; they fall in love hard and fast and get married before returning to his family farm in Louisiana. To say that Logan's family is surprised and angry is an understatement. The least-thrilled individual is his sister Raine; since both of their parents are dead, they are as thick as thieves and she is shocked to have another new woman in her brother's life. It turns out, Logan has been married before to True, who "disappeared" shortly before the book began. The police chief Billy Ray still believes Logan to be responsible for the disappearance / murder as well as several other mysterious disappearances in the area. Billy Ray makes Logan his personal mission because of previous feelings for True, and now Bailey is caught in the middle. Does she trust her husband whom she loves but barely knows, or does she listen to her head and what everyone - and the evidence around her - is telling her? As more disappearances and murders take place, Bailey is in an accident and suffers temporary amnesia, making her recollection of what she knows about the killer foggy and gray. The plot thickens until the killer is finally revealed, and you won't believe who is guilty. Spindler does a wonderful job of immersing the reader in the bayou culture and keeps you guessing until the final turn of the page. I found myself gasping often, as I was truly shocked about the events that unfolded.

3.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets.

welcome

If you know me, you know reading & running are two of my favorite hobbies - besides being an all-around awesome dude. Last year, the Mrs. & I read / listened to 100 books, and we've already amassed 51 this year. We track these on the gram of insta, but I wanted more than an artsy photo of the cover. So that's why you're here (I hope at least). Be on the lookout for reviews and "if you liked this, try this" posts, and maybe a few adoption / life after baby posts if I'm feeling gutsy. Hope you enjoy!