2018 - the best and the worst

This year, I managed 66 books read or listened to. Considering the fact that my phone stopped letting me download my audiobooks in mid-September and I typically spent 2 hours a day listening to books, I will take that number all day long. Especially considering my goodreads goal of 30 to begin the year. I turned to podcasts while I ran and worked, and I learned so much and was inspired to read more through several great podcasters (let's not forget the great breakup with my friends at the popcast). 

I've had a busy year full of starting grad school (3 classes left!), completing a foster care home study, beginning and completing an adoption home study, starting therapy, and changing grade levels at work - which we all know means it's like the first day of your first year all over again, but with grey hair. Let's add in that the last 6 weeks of the year saw 3 separate family vacations. 

I wanted to do a top 5 or top 10 list, but when I went through my goodreads challenge list, I couldn't settle on a round number, so here's a top something and bottom something list to show that even the most OCD among us can make progress with the help of my good friend Zoe. I'm sparing everyone plot synopses and commentary on each entry, because I really don't have time for that. All of these are available on Amazon; if you'd like to learn more, click or tap the author's name.

Top Non-fiction
1. Seeing White: An Introduction to White Privilege & Race by Jean Halley
2. The Good Neighbor: The Life & Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King
3. The Good Nurse: A True Story of Medicine, Madness, & Murder by Charles Graeber
4. Educated by Tara Westover
5. 41: A Portrait of my Father by George W. Bush (this was a re-read in early winter, which wound up being very fitting considering the passing of both Barbara & George HW this year)

Top Fiction
1. Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult (this was the one book I asked for for Christmas)
2. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
3. The Escape Artist by Brad Meltzer
4. The Last Mrs. Parrish by Liv Constantine 
5. Here & Gone by Haylen Beck
6. Still Me by Jojo Moyes
7. A Stranger in the House by Shari Lapena
8. The Butterfly Garden by Dot Hutchison
9. Give Me Your Hand by Megan Abbott

Bottom (which all happen to be fiction, oddly)
1. Mr. Dickens & His Carol by Samantha Silva
2. Unraveling Oliver by Liz Nugent
3. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
4. The Man Who Came Uptown by George Pelecanos 

As always, if you've read any of these this year or in recent years, I would love to hear your thoughts. There is the possibility of the #doopsread19 becoming an online book club of sorts, but to be honest I can't make any promises with my degree completion & Baby Doop #2 (or 3) on the way. Feel free to follow along with that hashtag on the socials to see what @redoop & I are reading next year. Best wishes & happy reading.

it's time

     There is a stigma surrounding anxiety - that it's people who stay home all the time, that it affects only certain people who seemingly can't pull themselves out of bed to function, or that it means people don't ever want to be around others at all.  While some elements of those may be present in some individuals who face anxiety, there is no one way it looks in everyone.  It is different for everyone.  For others, it means overanalyzing every comment you made that day (or even last month) and worrying about how it was perceived, getting so frustrated by a situation that the only thing you know to do is go outside and scream, overworking yourself to stay busy, or losing interest in doing the hard but fun things you used to do to stay active.  

     I'll let you guess which batch I fall into.  You see, anxiety is all around you.  More people than you imagine face its struggles daily, and we are hiding in plain sight all around you.  Granted, some people hide better than others, but it's all. around. you.  The highlight reel of social media - which I must say I include the good, bad, and ugly most days -  fools some into believing that some people have it all together.  "He has a beautiful family, a great job, a great church, and good friends.  What could he have to be anxious about?"  In short - plenty.

     Living with anxiety sometimes means you realize the absurdity of some of your fears but you cannot put them away - no matter what you try.  It means that some days, color-coding your calendar helps ease the pain but doesn't take it away.  It means that some days, even as badly as you know you need to run because you've stress eaten for the past four days solid, you cannot bring yourself to lace up your shoes because you just want to sit on the couch.  It could also look like ugly fights with your loved ones over senseless things and then beating yourself up over what you shouldn't have said and spending the rest of the afternoon in tears that you just can't stop.  And then there are the "glorious" days when you think and overthink about every text message or email you sent this week, every ignored statement that may have had nothing to do with you, and that you write all these things out in your journal just to get them out of your head.  

     My point is, anxiety looks different on everyone who faces it.  My anxiety does not equal someone else's anxiety, and mine is no greater or less than anyone else's because it really is all relative.  What might be a small deal for you, could send me into a tailspin faster than you can blink your eyes and vice versa.  Each individual's reality is just that - reality for that person.

     And before we go further, let me put this out there - being a born-again Christian does not protect you from anxiety.  Yes, I cast my cares on Jesus and pray to work through my issues, but it does not mean he will automatically take them away just because I asked him to.  As twitter user @abbyjperry put it so eloquently, "So help me if I see another tweet or comment suggesting real Christians don’t struggle with debilitating depression or anxiety. I wouldn’t be out of my bed loving my kids today without Zoloft and I’m pretty sure that’s not due to a lack of the indwelling Spirit." If that's not the gospel truth, I don't know what is. And this is kind of the point of this post (sorry my first blog of 2018 is so macabre).

Many of you know that I have been seeing a counselor this summer. She has worked with me on communication skills, fighting fair, and self care. She has been wonderful in keeping me accountable and not just making me feel good. She has also worked to get me a referral to a psychiatrist for a medicine evaluation, which I will be doing tomorrow. Let's face it, I love #demearls but they can only do some much. Sometimes it is just a chemical issue that oils can't fix.

So why am I putting all of this out there? Well, several reasons. Writing is very cathartic, and sometimes I just need to share my journey and remind everyone that we are all struggling with something. Also, if you interact with me regularly I want you to know so that if you notice a change - whether it be positive or negative - you can tell me. Mainly, I need prayers that the doctor understands my struggles and correctly diagnoses it so that we can get the medication correct on the first try. I need to be the best husband, dad, friend, and teacher that I can be. I am currently not meeting that bar on my own and need outside help with it; I just want it to be right and well done the first time.

     Let's all remember as we face the world each day, that everyone is facing a struggle that we may be unaware of. Treat each other with patience, kindness, and understanding. Who knows? We just might make the world a better place in the process. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for listening.