For the better part of the last 3 years, I have been in a very dark place. Friendships have been hard. Marriage has been HARD. Parenting has been full of tears, frustrations, and near hopelessness. If you know me well, you know that my younger cherub has not been the easiest to parent. She is hard-headed (don't know anyone like that), fiercely independent (again, don't know anyone like that), and sometimes just a lot to handle (are you sensing the same theme I am?). Sleep training was hard, potty training continues to not be a cakewalk, eating was a struggle until we began early intervention, and in general I just struggled to enjoy being her dad.
Every time an era ended, I would silently rejoice and think, "Phew! One more hurdle done and closer to her being an adult." In the trenches of it all, it was just so hard. I can't tell you how many times I told my therapist, "I know I'm not supposed to wish her life away, and everyone keeps telling me I will miss this, but right now I will not miss ____." And it's true. I am a fairly sentimental and emotional person, yet I was constantly in a mindset of "welp, that's over; no love lost." But this weekend, I had one of the first moments in a while of almost mourning the end of something. We sold our changing table this weekend, and I was a little sad. [This changing table was special because we had bought it on consignment the weekend we were supposed to bring home our Bennett before his birth mother decided to parent instead. It wasn't perfect, but it was loved.] And now for the first time in 8 years, the Dupuis home doesn't have a changing table in it. I've been full of emotions about it all. We are entering into a new phase of our parenting journey.
For most of my teenage and early adult years, I always envisioned myself as a girl dad. I was going to have 2 girls (Gillian & Genevieve if you must know), and we were going to go to Bama Softball games together, go to all the father-daughter dances, and shop at Target with frappuccinos like the basics we truly were. But God had other plans - our first was a boy, and I was terrified. I know that's counter-intuitive, but I've never been the outdoorsy mountain man type. Heck, I struggle to pull into the oil change bay and pop my hood some days, and I was truly afraid of stains on clothes and all the boy things. Yet, my boy was just what I needed. I learned to lighten up and enjoy the unexpected and share some really special things with him (turns out he also likes Bama Softball and Lego).
For the past 3 years, I have struggled to enjoy being a dad to Thugalina. Some of that might lie in my expectations of what a girl dad would be, and some of that might just be her personality. I told my wife this week that, by comparison, he was far easier to parent at age 3 than she was. (And yes I know I'm not supposed to compare my kids because they are unique individuals blah blah blah.) It was just not enjoyable. But Friday night, I got to go to a Father-Daughter Dance at our church, and it was so much fun. I finally got to enjoy being her dad. We dressed up, had flowers and a CFA dinner, and then danced / chased each other around the atrium at church before she eventually began to spiral and we went home. But it was truly a sweet time, and for the first time in 3 years, being her dad was a joy. I am continuing to learn about lightening up and leaning into the Type B side of life and dadding.
I know that not every day will be a cake walk, and I don't expect that by any stretch of the imagination. But I feel hope. I feel hope for my marriage, hope for my family, and hope for friendships. So if you find yourself at the end of an era in your life, consider where the Lord is leading you and look ahead joyfully to the beginning of a new chapter in your journey.
