best reads of 2020

I always like to participate in reading challenges. This year, I of course did the Modern Mrs. Darcy challenge (completed in June, thank you very much). But I also created my own challenge by seeking to read 12 or more books from each of the following categories: rereads / re-listens of past favorites, banned books, YA / dystopian, and minority authors. Some books met more than one category and were counted as such (for example, Scythe got counted as minority, YA, and banned since it was in all of those categories). I was able to meet my goal and even exceed it in some categories - 20 minority books! My go to genre is thriller, and those always seem to be written by old white men and (maybe) crazy white women, so this year really stretched me, and I loved it! At the outset of 2020, I also had a goal to read and listen to 55 books. Welp, with a global pandemic and way more time at home, I was able to read and listen to 105 books this year. As always, here is my roundup of my top reads and listens of the year. I typically make a top 10 list, but since there are no rules in 2020, I did 13 favorites. My original plan was 12, but I had a New Year's Adam audio finish that warranted being added to the list after I had this draft written. I am numbering this with the ones I found myself always going back to and recommending to others at the very top.

1. Rodham (Curtis Sittenfield) - What would have happened if Hillary had not married Bill? That is the question this gem seeks to answer. I am not typically a fan of reimagined history (or the family at the spotlight), but I am a fan of beautiful writing, which Sittenfield gave us in spades, and the White House in general. The most interesting part of this was how Bill & Hillary were still in each other's orbits by the end of the book. I devoured this book, and I probably recommended it to everyone I know. This was my favorite of the year by a landslide.

2. Such a Fun Age (Kiley Reid) - This book was a hard read, but all in all it was a delight. A young African-American babysitter is accused of first kidnapping and then abusing the Caucasian girl who is in her care, and the media storm that follows is large. This opened up a lot of good conversations about our perceptions about race relations in America and especially class privilege. There was more language than I would have liked, but I find myself able to skip over that more when I am reading versus listening. Our protagonist was full of growth and strength, and I loved her even more for that.

3. Coast to Coast Murders (James Patterson) - If you've followed my reading for any length of time, you know James and I have an on again / off again relationship. And this one brought my back into his orbit full circle (to the point of getting caught up on the Alex Cross series this month). We see adopted siblings being framed for murder at the outset and later learn the deep affect of their psychiatrist parents' experiments on their lives. I could not put this book down, and I finished the 500+ pages in just over 48 hours. 

4. The Vanishing Half (Brit Bennett) - What are the consequences for passing as white? How is your life different if you choose not to pass as white? Bennett expertly answered that question in this heartbreakingly beautiful narrative that sees twin sisters who are light-skinned follow different paths. One chooses to pass as white and one does not. The ramifications for each are deep and life-changing. I recommended this book for our faculty book club, and it got mixed reviews - mainly for character development. I agree that there could have bene more growth, but the prose in this won me over. I filled up an entire page in my reading journal with beautiful (and sometimes heartbreaking) quotes from it.

5. City of Girls (Elizabeth Gilbert) - The best word I heard to describe this was "razzmatazz," and that hit the nail on the head. Our protagonist Vivian leaves her sheltered life to become a seamstress for show girls in 1940s New York. The imagery and characters were a true delight. There were some blush-worthy moments, but I feel like it kept in tone of what the book was trying to accomplish. Rebekah & I both listened to this on audio and hooted with laughter multiple times. The narrator was a true delight. If you pick this one up, know that about 1/2 - 3/4 it bogs down a bit, but it does pick back up in the end.

6. Mexican Gothic (Silvia Moreno-Garcia) - Set in 1950s Mexico, we find Noemi headed to her cousin's house after she receives a worrying letter about her husband possibly trying to kill her. What is revealed is that the estate she is living in is haunted. Noemi seeks to find the truth to save her cousin while also avoiding the trap of the house. This was the perfect balance of spooky and interesting without going overboard on the scary factor. I listened to this the week of Halloween, and it was perfect for that time of year. Also, the cover gave me ALL kinds of Hispanic Olivia Pope vibes.

7. Know my Name (Chanel Miller) - You may know Chanel's name from her victim impact statement went viral on Buzz Feed following her sexual assault by Brock Turner, an swimmer at Stanford with Olympic hopes. This was a heartbreaking account of the way Chanel's life was impacted by the night of the attack. It was not an easy read, but it was also important in terms of being a voice for victims and proving we really need to do a better job at listening to them.

8. The Stationery Shop (Marjan Kamali) - We find Roya and Bahman, two star-crossed teens in 1950s Tehran and how their lives change and intertwine decades later. I don't want to go into too much detail, because it will spoil the plot. The stationery shop, in itself, is a character here. I laughed, I cried, I talked back to the characters. This was a delight on audio.

9. Big Summer (Jennifer Weiner) - Weiner is hit and miss for me. Sometimes she goes a little too far left into the political landscape, and sometimes we get super sappy stories of friendship and love. This one, however, was neither, and it was a homerun in my book. Daphne, a plus-sized influencer, is asked to be a bridesmaid in her high school BFF's wedding. Drue has everything Daphne wants, and even though they had parted ways because of the way Drue treated her, Daphne can't resist Drue's orbit of influence. While at the wedding festivities though, this turns into a murder mystery. I never saw that part coming, and the remainder of the book is spent determining whodunit in a non-cheesy way. As a FFF (former fat friend) I saw so much of myself in this narrative. It was a delightful summer read, and I tore through it quickly.

10. Ghosts of Harvard (Francesca Serritella) - Cadence feels compelled to attend Harvard to investigate the apparent suicide of her older brother, Eric, who is schizophrenic. As she starts to hear voices and meet ghosts on the campus, she being to worry that she is also mentally ill. As her personal and family life begin to spiral out of control, she attempts to come to grips with her reality. The notes of psychological thriller mixed with mystery and academia so expertly. This was a hefty read, but I enjoyed it even more when I learned the author is the daughter of Lisa Scottoline, one of my favorite mystery writers.

11. Rising Strong (Brene Brown) - I love love love me some Brene. There were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room because she stepped on my toes so much. She dives deep into overcoming failure and setback while also getting better because of it. She really investigates the idea that everyone is doing their best and just needs a little grace and mercy, which is something I know I can give to people way more often than I do. I also have learned a lot from her line, "Here's the awful scenario I'm making up in my head," while in the middle of a hard rumble with a loved one. I want to be BFFs with Brene.

12. The Dutch House (Ann Patchett) - A generational tale of the Conroy siblings Danny and Jocelyn and the house that they grew up in, this one was one of my most anticipated reads this year. I listened to it early in the year and really enjoyed it. Tom Hanks is the narrator, and he is positively divine as the reader. If you read it in print, I highly recommend you listen to it later. The house was basically a character in the book, which I loved. There was not a great deal of plot movement, in my opinion, but the stories were woven together so expertly.

13. Speaking for Myself (Sarah Huckabee Sanders) - This was one of my final audios of the year, and it was a late addition to the list. Sarah is the daughter of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee and the former Press Secretary for Trump. She wrote at length about the struggles her family faced when her dad first took office and the bias against Trump as she worked in his administration. It was very informative and candid. She reads the audio, which was nice to hear. Please be mindful of multiple sources of information. 

It was a banner year for my reading - a personal high in books read, in addition to reading things outside of my comfort zone. I will post details for my goals for 2021 reading later, but I am planning to tackle the MMD challenges and The Unread Shelf Project as well. If you read any of these, or just have recs that you think I'll like, leave me a comment. Happy reading, friends.

full story people

Last Tuesday night, we got the call that we were matched. Again. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified that we would find ourselves in the same situation as we were in last May. Our social worker reminded us continually on that call that, as we are fully aware, it is not at all final and won't be until several days after this little girl is born. The fear and the anxiety are there, and truth be told will continue to be there for the next 2 months. Don't get me wrong; the joy and excitement are still there. But so are the fear and anxiety. I've been continually reminded over the past 18 months that we have two different hands for holding two vastly different emotions. And I am so grateful for those two hands.

It's interesting how differently people process this fear about the unknown. I am cautiously optimistic about what lies ahead. I trust God and his sovereignty completely. I am doing my best to avoid sitting in my negative emotions by doing all the things and making all the to-do lists. I want to avoid the tears by just heaping on the joy and excitement in hopes that that will somehow outweigh the fear. Yesterday, we began sorting out what we had saved from HWD and determining which things were actually gender neutral so we could get a handle on what we need for WRD. In the midst of doing this, we came across some items we had purchased for our failed adoption of BSD, and I finally embraced those ugly or "bad" emotions that we 1s don't like to admit we have - because how DARE we admit to ourselves that we aren't good?? I looked at Rebekah and said, "I don't hate her [the birth mom from our failed adoption], but I hate what she did to us and put us through. And I don't like the her right now for that." She immediately responded, "That doesn't make you a bad person for feeling that way." Whew. Talk about a weight lifted and another step toward healing. 

A while ago, I was reading a book (whose name and topic escape me currently) and the author mentioned how hard it was to have new "full story" people in her life. She was writing about her divorce and how new people who didn't know the full story of her grief had to be told the story in its entirety once they had reached her inner circle of trust. She mentioned how difficult and exhausting it was to constantly be facing new scenarios in which she needed to explain the depth of her sorrow and hurt again and again. It's like picking a scab when it's starting to heal only to have it bleed everywhere again. Whenever you make new friends, you gain several full story people into your circle. Moving schools this year has brought about the opportunity to have many full story moments over the past few months. I have gained several new friends on my hallway who accept my oddities like toe touches in the hallway and knitting during class change. And they have earned the right to be full story people because they have loved and accepted me, warts and all. This doesn't make telling the full story any less painful or traumatic. Today, I had three full story moments at work - something I would not have been able to do last year. I really think had I not sat with that uncomfortable emotion yesterday, then I would not have been able to have all of those full story moments today. In the midst of all of it, one of them looked at me and said, "But man, what love this little girl is already experiencing." Y'all, that hit me so hard in the best way. This little girl is already so. very. loved - even in my cautiously optimistic state. We have to cling to that right now.

I am so grateful for growth. I am grateful that there isn't a timeline on grief - even when I try to unfairly place that clock on myself and others. And I am grateful that it's ok for some people to cry to grieve and for others to do all of the things and make all the lists as a way to cope. We all handle it differently, and that's what's beautiful about the way God created each of us uniquely. 

Here are a few things you can pray with us in the months to come:

• Our birth mother, M. We pray that her heart is being shepherded for what is coming in the next couple months. We pray she knows the Lord and sees Him in this entire process.
• Our family as we prepare to bring another baby home again. Pray that we will parent with grace and embrace this last set of holidays as the Dupuis 3. 
• Grace and mercy toward one another. So far, we have been communicative in how we are coping with the stress, fear, and doubt. Pray that that continues and that we will treat each other with kindness and understanding. Pray that we will be transparent with each other and share what is on our hearts and what is causing us both joy and fear.
• Anxiety and fear. Of course there is the fear that we will have to tell our son that we aren't bringing a baby home again, and that is a terrifying fear that keeps me awake some nights. Pray that we will cling to God's promise that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). 

What We Need

Most of you know that we are big fans of He Reads Truth / She Reads Truth in Chez Doop. The current study is on The Presence of God, and as I was listening to the podcast this morning, one of the founders was talking about God's presence with the Israelites. She talked about how the Lord could have led them on a quicker path toward the Philistines, "Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt" (Exodus 13:17 ESV). She went on to say that even though the Israelites thought they knew what they needed, the Lord knew what they actually needed. 

Welp, if that didn't hit me like a ton of bricks mid-run. How often we condemn the people of Israel - "The Lord delivered them from slavery, can't they just be grateful and do what he says?" "Can't they stop complaining about the food and just eat it?" "Can't they stop worshiping other gods and worship the one true God?" and so many other things - when we are just. like. them. We forget the great things God has done for us and aren't grateful for his deliverance from our old way of life. We don't obey him. We complain. We may not physically bow down to other gods, but our hearts are bent toward other things apart from Him. We think we know what we need but we really don't.

Our adoption has gone really quiet after a summer packed full of info summaries. It is so strange to hurry up and wait. Back in June I had to call my boss at A+ and say "Hey, I might be out of state all summer, so we need a backup plan in place." We Zoomed with a potential birth mother who ultimately chose another family, which meant no travel. We continued to get info summaries followed by "she chose another family" emails up until the week of school starting. I had to meet with my new principal before school started to say "Hey, we're showing again to a birth mother who has already delivered, so there's a real possibility I won't be here for the start of school." She chose another family, too. 

And it's been relatively quiet for the past month, which is weird this go round. Last week, I was feeling sorry for myself and the seeming silence during my quiet time. I felt very plainly the Spirit speaking to me and asking, "Do you REALLY think you could have handled a new baby on top of everything you faced in August?" [New school, opening school in the midst of the chaos of 2020, costly repairs to both vans, and the washing machine died - like they don't make the part anymore died - all in one month.] Immediately humbled, I answered no. I didn't know what was around the corner when we got all of those "she chose another family" emails, and I still don't know. However, I do know that the same God who saw the Israelites through the desert into the Promised Land is the same God who is fulfilling his promises for my family today. 

two hands

One year ago, our world completely transformed. If you don't know the story, on May 25, 2019, we were hours away from becoming a family of 4 when the birth mother we had been matched with chose instead to parent. It was a day that truly defined the trajectory of our family. We went from being sure that things would be wrapped up in a neat, pretty bow to having the wrapping paper torn to shreds with a single phone call. I remember so many specific things about that afternoon - what we did, what we said, and unfortunately the overwhelming grief and sorrow that originated that day. 

But I insisted we press forward, because I felt compelled to move on in my spirit. It took us several months (i.e., 7) to get to a place where we knew that by continuing on the path at that time was not what we needed to do. After many fights and lots of tears, we decided to place a temporary hold on our next adoption in the beginning of January. And then a peace filled our home (don't misread that for rainbows and puppy dogs; it was just much more peaceful). We laughed, we rested, we moved forward. After the turnaround we saw, I was almost certain we were "done" with our permanent family. At the end of February, I remember telling 2 separate acquaintances that I felt like we were done. We did not have a lot of conversations about the specifics of reactivating or if we even would.

Then on our 8th anniversary, a random word on the way home from picking up our takeout dinner sparked the conversation anew. We prayed together about it. We asked our closest circle to pray with us for discernment and wisdom. We agreed that our hearts were being pulled toward reactivation and that we were in a place as a family where we could begin opening our hearts to the roller coaster of adoption again. We reached out to our domestic specialist and met with her and our social worker via Zoom (a completely odd experience might I add). We talked about next steps and built an updated profile book. In that meeting, we talked about the work we had done in the past year and how the Lord had worked especially over the first part of 2020 to restore our relationship. 

I was talking with my therapist last week about how Rebekah and I would not have done the work we had to do on our communication had we not been forced into this position. I truly think had our match gone through, we would have meandered along in mediocrity - to the detriment of our relationship. Let me just throw out there that we are by no means the picture perfect couple in terms of communication, but my oh my we have come a long way in the past year. That realization made me somewhat grateful for the events of the past year. 

Don't mishear me - I would not wish the heartbreak of these past 366 days on anyone. However, I can still be grateful for the work that the Lord has done in us. In therapy, we talked about how sometimes sadness and happiness or grief and joy can coexist. Not often are our emotions mutually exclusive. As a friend of ours stated so beautifully, "My counselor always told me we could hold utter grief and devastation in one hand, and complete thankfulness and joy in the other. And thank God both feelings can be felt at the same time. We are beautiful beings!" 

I am grateful for a heavenly Father who made us with two hands to hold two complex and sometimes confusing emotions. I am grateful for the life of BSD, even though he is not with us. I am grateful for the work the Lord has done in our household. And I am thankful that He is with us every step of the way. 

promises

"He [Abraham] did not waver in unbelief at God's promise but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, because he was fully convinced that what God has promised, he was also able to do." - Romans 4:20 - 21

Rebekah & I are walking through a He / She Reads Truth study on The Promises of God, and this reference was one of the highlighted passages early in the first week. The entire passage talks about how even though Abraham was nearly 100 years old, God had promised him that he would be the father of many nations. In all of this, Abraham's faith did not waver. He continued to trust God because he knew that God was (and still is) able to do what He had promised He would do. 

Another of the week's readings featured Joshua 3, and 2 verses there stuck out to Rebekah and me: "But keep a distance of about a thousand yards between yourselves and the ark. Don't go near it, so that you can see the way to go, for you haven't traveled this way before." (Joshua 3:4). "Then Joshua told the Israelites, 'Come closer and listen to the words of the Lord your God'" (Joshua 3:9).

2020 has been a strange year for all of us (and we all thought 2019 was the pits!), but it has been different and sweet at times in our home. We placed a temporary hold on our next adoption. We took time to re-center our focus on the Lord and on each other. We have said no to things just so we could rest. It has not been all rainbows, unicorns, and puppy dogs. In fact, there have been days that have been downright rotten. But there has been a strong sense of peace in our home. We have laughed more than we have cried. We have rejoiced more than we have grieved. We have trusted more than we have wavered.

Near the end of 2019, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me that my word for the coming year was hope - for restored relationships, for peace, for completion. I didn't know exactly what that looked like at the time, and to be honest I still don't know. But I know that I know that I know that He has made me a promise, and He will fulfill that in His time and in His way. Why? Because what He has promised, He is also able to do! 

We don't know what lies ahead for us as we continue on our journey, but we do know that we have to follow the Lord since we haven't traveled this way before. It is all going to look so different - new case workers, new domestic specialist, new world in which we are living if we are being frank. Just as the Ark of the Covenant went with the Israelites to guide the way for them in the desert, the Holy Spirit goes before us down a path that we haven't been. We have to draw nearer to Him and listen to His words. It is so interesting that when we stop, when we Sabbath, when we rest & trust, we can actually hear the words of the Lord. Being forced to stop my normal and slow down has caused me to savor my quiet time because I have not rushed it. It has allowed me to journal more since I have the time, and I have had some major personal revelations this past month. It has let me spend more time with the ones I love and serve in ways I don't normally get to.

Yesterday, my van broke down and had to be towed. Hugo needs a partial engine rebuild because of some misfires as well as some other tune-ups. Obviously, we hadn't planned for that when we were in the drive through getting lunch. BUT! We had lunch ready for a backseat picnic. We were in a safe area that was easy for my MIL to come get my family while I waited for the wrecker to get the van. I was able to finally meander Target and found a pair of clearance jeans for $9 & some journals (ya know, those ones that I was nervous I wouldn't have any more of before the quarantine ended)! My BIL was able to come get me and take me home. And here's the kicker y'all. We had just closed on a refinance of our mortgage because of the low interest rates, and as a result, we actually walked away with some cash from closing - enough to COVER the cost of repairs. How incredible is that timing? These things don't surprise our God. He goes before us and makes a way where there is seemingly none. He does what He has promised he would do. We just have to come closer and listen to Him.

On this 42nd day of quarantine, I pray that you slow down, rest, and trust in the promises of a faithful God.

the next right thing

One of the first books I listened to this year was The Dutch House by Ann Patchett. The audio is narrated by Tom Hanks, and it is everything you would want from a Patchett - Hanks combo. One of the lines that stood out to me is, "The point wasn't whether or not I liked it. The point was it HAD to be done." After all that we endured and came through last year, that quote just resonated with me and has almost been a guiding principle in a way.

Don't we all have things in our lives that we don't like doing, but we know they have to be done. Sometimes it may be going to work, or providing care for an ailing loved one, or simply cleaning out the closet of the old nursery. I'm sure you all can guess which of those three fits my current situation. My mom is coming up this weekend to celebrate our big boy's birthday (what started as family and school friends has now dwindled to only immediate family, which was a whole other had-to-be-done moment), and the play room needs to have the guest bed brought back in.

The process of preparing for my mom's arrival was the perfect time to finally move the nursery items back to the attic. And man, was that tough. We left the nursery items in that room for the majority of 2019 in hopes that we would match again, but we converted it back into a playroom at the beginning of 2020 when we put our adoption on temporary hold. For the past few months, all of the nursery items and clothes have still been in that dresser and in that closet - lingering, waiting, almost taunting me in a way. I have gotten overwhelmed with the toys in there, the layout, so many tiny things to the point of my not wanting to be in there.

Rebekah suggested that I work on cleaning out and storing things in the attic today. I could then move some of those things into the closet and organize some things in the dresser. It was tough. It was so very tough on me emotionally. But, it was also so sweet. I played The Messiah on vinyl while HWD played and played in the room. I showed him where things were going to go now, and he loved it. We played in there and just laughed and enjoyed each other before we did our dinner prep and ate lunch.
The point was not whether or not I liked moving all of those precious, tiny clothes into the attic. The point was it had to be done for the betterment of the family I have now.

In the midst of this quarantine business, I have realized / solidified the fact that preschool teaching is not my spiritual gift. Shout out to Ms. Shea for loving my crazy kid at school every day, and for loving on a room full of kids like him. I have also had extreme clarity in these past 11 days of how 1 child is truly all I could handle at this time. Funny how God always knows what he's up to in those cases. And isn't funny how we can be hurting and growing at the same time? The Lord knows what has to be done, and He does it. Whatever your next right thing is, I pray that you have the courage to face it today - even if you don't like it. Stay safe, y'all. And wash yo hands!

not now

Y'all know that I love questions - they're the very foundation of my teaching style, I married a girl whose favorite question is "What if...", and to be honest I am semi-skeptical person who questions 85% of what is presented to me. And if you've been following my blog long enough, you know that I also love answers. It's good to have questions, but in my mind it's great to have the answers. If I know what I'm tasked with or what the end result will look like, I know what approach I should take in solving the problem.  

It's been a month since we formally placed our adoption on hold. And overall, it's been a month of peace and joy in our home. No, it hasn't been rainbows, unicorns, unlimited decaf, and the like. But it has been much better than some times in the past. We have been unified and just back to enjoying our family and each other without pressure. We have both had a few moments when we leaned more towards the "this is it" side than the pressing pause side. 

Last night, I was reminded that my word for 2020 is "HOPE." My hope is for restored relationships, a completed family, and just true joy that overflows out of my life into others. This morning in church, our pastor lead us through a time of prayer, and I just began praying for our family again. I asked the Lord, "Are we supposed to stop? Are we to be a one and done? I just want the answer." In a non-condemning way, I heard so clearly, "Not now, son. Not now."

As much as I fear the unknown and want the pretty little bow to end this chapter of my life, He didn't give me that. Let me be clear in saying that I have finally arrived at that place of being content if his answer for our family is "just one." I trust His will for our lives, and that is enough. So as much as I want a definitive answer, today He isn't giving me the answer key. He's just asking me to keep taking the test. And today, that is enough for me.

great are you, Lord

Have you ever had a moment in worship when you were just so overcome that you openly wept? It's happened to me both in times of sorrow and in times of immense joy. Today was one such day, and at first I could not even tell why or what was initiating it. But as we belted out the lyrics, 
"It's your breath in our lungs, So we pour out our praise to You only!" I could feel the tears building and then spilling out of my eyes. I was in a state of just being so overwhelmed by the goodness of God. 

You see, this past year has been ROUGH on me and my family. We pursued another adoption because I so badly wanted another child and kept insisting that I was right. We had a failed adoption, and somehow in my own arrogance I did not consider that that was the Lord slamming shut a door that I shouldn't have even opened to begin with (and lemme just say, when you start praying for the Lord to open the doors that should be opened and slam shut the doors that he doesn't want you to walk through, you had better be ready to follow that path - even when it's uncomfortable). For a while, that was a vacant prayer for me. 

The latter half of 2019 was a whirlwind of arguments, tears, frustrations, and hurt feelings. Rebekah told me she felt like we should take a break from our adoption, and I said over and over that I didn't feel like we should stop right now, that I felt like adoption again was what God had called us to, and that we just needed to put our heads down and go with it (because isn't that what any task-oriented person does, anyway?). I was miserable. She was miserable. Our home was miserable. But God. In all of his glory and splendor, he saw fit to be gracious to us in our misery. Finally in the last week of December, I admitted that I was wrong and had been for some time. We pressed pause on adoption round two, meaning we will not actively show our profile to birth mothers again for a while. 

I don't know what that looks like (and boy, if that's not the scariest thing I've said this month, I don't know what is!) or how long this will play out. I don't know if we will even start again. I told my therapist recently that if we actually stop and HWD is our only permanent child, the hardest part for me will be admitting I was wrong. She asked why, and I said, "I'm a 1! I have to be right. Rightness is at the core of my being!" And to be completely transparent, admitting I was wrong was one of the hardest parts of sending that email to our social worker.

So here we are on the other side of this. Can I just tell you that there has been a true peace and joy in our home these last 19 days? It's amazing how that oppression just leaves when you finally stop following your own will and follow the Lord's leading. There is joy in our home again. There is peace in our relationship again. We laugh in our home again. For those who missed our wonderful story of furniture shopping, here's the nutshell version - We found a bed we both liked on clearance but didn't ask what size it was. I went back midweek and bought it so we could pick it up yesterday. We get home and set it up, and guess what? IT'S THE WRONG SIZE! Y'all I kid you not. We thought it was a queen, but alas, it's the king we've always kind of wanted but didn't have the mattress for. And since the bed was on clearance, it's no backsies! [We do plan on getting the right size mattress sooner rather than later, for those who are concerned.] But y'all, we laughed and laughed and laughed about this bed all day. We were on the way to dinner last night, and Rebekah said, "Ya know what? We laughed today for the first time in months. You didn't immediately go to that beating yourself up place and thinking you're the worst. You didn't blame anyone. We just laughed about it." And there was so much beauty, joy, and healing in that moment. It was truly a day that was full of love and laughter, over something as small as a bed. Or as large as the wrong sized bed, I guess.

So maybe that was why I found myself in tears this morning as we worshipped. I truly felt peace for the first time in a year. I let go go the pressure of having it all together. I let go of that image of what I thought my life would look like and the 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and a dog. I let go of myself and embraced the beauty of what God has given me - a beautiful wife, the most hilarious kid on the planet, a home to keep us safe and warm, a job that has brought opportunity for growth every day, a church family who just loves on us so very well, and really just the breath in my lungs. That is reason to praise, and for me, it was a reason to weep tears of joy. 

May you all let go of the pieces of yourself that you are clinging to and let God do his work.