There is a stigma surrounding
anxiety - that it's people who stay home all the time, that it affects only
certain people who seemingly can't pull themselves out of bed to function, or
that it means people don't ever want to be around others at all. While
some elements of those may be present in some individuals who face anxiety,
there is no one way it looks in everyone. It is different for everyone.
For others, it means overanalyzing every comment you made that day (or
even last month) and worrying about how it was perceived, getting so frustrated
by a situation that the only thing you know to do is go outside and scream,
overworking yourself to stay busy, or losing interest in doing the hard but fun
things you used to do to stay active.
I'll let you guess which
batch I fall into. You see, anxiety is all around you. More people
than you imagine face its struggles daily, and we are hiding in plain sight all
around you. Granted, some people hide better than others, but it's all.
around. you. The highlight reel of social media - which I must say I
include the good, bad, and ugly most days - fools some into believing
that some people have it all together. "He has a beautiful family, a
great job, a great church, and good friends. What could he have to be
anxious about?" In short - plenty.
Living with anxiety sometimes
means you realize the absurdity of some of your fears but you cannot put them
away - no matter what you try. It means that some days, color-coding your
calendar helps ease the pain but doesn't take it away. It means that some
days, even as badly as you know you need to run because you've stress eaten for
the past four days solid, you cannot bring yourself to lace up your shoes
because you just want to sit on the couch. It could also look like ugly
fights with your loved ones over senseless things and then beating yourself up
over what you shouldn't have said and spending the rest of the afternoon in
tears that you just can't stop. And then there are the "glorious"
days when you think and overthink about every text message or email you sent
this week, every ignored statement that may have had nothing to do with you,
and that you write all these things out in your journal just to get them out of
your head.
My point is, anxiety looks
different on everyone who faces it. My anxiety does not equal someone
else's anxiety, and mine is no greater or less than anyone else's because it
really is all relative. What might be a small deal for you, could send me
into a tailspin faster than you can blink your eyes and vice versa. Each
individual's reality is just that - reality for that person.
And before we go further, let
me put this out there - being a born-again Christian does not protect you from
anxiety. Yes, I cast my cares on Jesus and pray to work through my
issues, but it does not mean he will automatically take them away just because
I asked him to. As twitter user @abbyjperry put it so eloquently, "So help me if I see another tweet or comment
suggesting real Christians don’t struggle with debilitating depression or
anxiety. I wouldn’t be out of my bed loving my kids today without Zoloft and
I’m pretty sure that’s not due to a lack of the indwelling Spirit." If
that's not the gospel truth, I don't know what is. And this is kind of the
point of this post (sorry my first blog of 2018 is so macabre).
Many of you know that I have
been seeing a counselor this summer. She has worked with me on communication
skills, fighting fair, and self care. She has been wonderful in keeping me
accountable and not just making me feel good. She has also worked to get me a
referral to a psychiatrist for a medicine evaluation, which I will be doing
tomorrow. Let's face it, I love #demearls but they can only do some much.
Sometimes it is just a chemical issue that oils can't fix.
So why am I putting all of
this out there? Well, several reasons. Writing is very cathartic, and sometimes
I just need to share my journey and remind everyone that we are all struggling
with something. Also, if you interact with me regularly I want you to know so
that if you notice a change - whether it be positive or negative - you can tell
me. Mainly, I need prayers that the doctor understands my struggles and
correctly diagnoses it so that we can get the medication correct on the first
try. I need to be the best husband, dad, friend, and teacher that I can be. I
am currently not meeting that bar on my own and need outside help with it; I
just want it to be right and well done the first time.
Let's all remember as we face the world
each day, that everyone is facing a struggle that we may be unaware of. Treat
each other with patience, kindness, and understanding. Who knows? We just might
make the world a better place in the process. From the bottom of my heart,
thank you for listening.