I have a confession. I love parenting books. Like love love them. You're right, i don't have kids yet. But as we could literally be matched any day now, I want to be prepared. One of the weirdest things about adoption is that we don't get a typical 9-month gestation period. Next week will mark a year since filing our application. That's a long time to wait, but we also know that this is not atypical for adoptive families. Since it gives us a good bit of time to prepare, sometimes the nesting comes in phases - oooh, let's organize all the things today, rearrange the closet next week, but then not touch it for a couple of months lest I have a meltdown. It's really weird, y'all.
In the meantime, I am trying to do as much research before hand as possible. I realize that there is no one-size-fits-all method to parenting, and I am aware that even within the same family, different children have to be parented differently. With that being said, I think it's wise to have a quiver full of strategies that I can employ when needed. Here comes Pamela Druckerman's Bringing up Bebe. The Mrs. had read this last summer and told me how much I would enjoy it, so it had been on my radar for a while. Thanks to an amazon card, i finally decided to take the plunge and purchase this one - a rarity around here. The linked version has been expanded & updated to included Bebe Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting, which can be purchased separately if you desire.
Druckerman is a US journalist who was eventually stationed outside of Paris, fell in love, and the rest is history. While pregnant with her first child, she began noticing how not unpleasant the children in France were in comparison to children "back home." Intrigued, she placed a notebook in her diaper bag and began taking notes everywhere & interviewing the mothers she encountered on what worked for them and what didn't.
There are some things that make French childcare very different from American childcare. Chiefly, there are numerous government-subsidized "day cares" of sorts called creches, in which mothers begin petitioning for placement as early as 3 months into their pregnancies. Children then go to free government preschools until they are school age. The caregivers at these schools are revered, trained well (only 30 of 500 who take the initial test to be admitted into the program are accepted for the year-long certification process), and excellent at what they do. The focus during these early years is not academics - children will learn to read in elementary school - but basic socialization, manners, and general life skills. For the French, earlier is not always better. They are perfectly fine with a 5-year-old not reading as long as he or she understands the basic cadre (framework) of the home and is generally polite to adults (hello, goodbye, looking in the eye, etc.). Another startling difference is the maternity leave available - 3 months PAID. We all know, especially in this election cycle, how behind the US is in terms of family leave at a birth, but this gap was startling.
In terms of core values, the French value independent children who are self-sufficient at an early age as opposed to the smother mothers, helicopter parents, and newly-dubbed lawnmower parents we often see in America today. The author cites her amazement when, one morning while she is ill, her 6-year-old happily and without direction prepares breakfast for the family, "but you have to do the coffee." French parents realize that one day, their precious ones will leave the nest and will need to be able to survive without them; they are merely starting the prep work early. They also believe that it is good for children to learn patience and how to occupy themselves when bored. They shouldn't always get what they want when they want (parents abide by a few firm "no" responses with freedom given in the small details) nor should they be constantly engaged. They believe that a little boredom teaches self-sufficiency and ultimately perseverance.
Another startling difference is how early French children "do their nights," meaning sleep through the night. Parents believe that it can be harmful to go in and rescue a child who is sleeping every time he or she whimpers in the night, so they recommend observing the child and knowing the specific cries (namely, the one meaning, "Oops I crapped my pants!") so you can respond accordingly. Like adults, babies sleep in cycles, and they sometimes stir in between those cycles; if parents run in to rescue them each time they stir, they will never learn to connect those on their own. The French also argue that it's ok for a baby to be hungry at night, as adults often wake up hungry in the night before returning to sleep. They believe that babies should eat, like adults, at meal time primarily with no snacking in between. Pediatricians will recommend the "cry it out" method if a baby still isn't "doing his nights" by four months old.
The French believe firmly in the idea of "adult time" at night. Their children are expected to go to bed or away from the family room so parents can enjoy each other alone. They also make sure that their dens are distinctly separate from the play room; this isn't an area for toys to lie in wait. The demarcation they create allows the child to make the distinction between adult time and parent time. Essentially, it is a life of balance - parent, spouse, employee. Most studies and reports indicate that French adults are more stable, more secure, and more confident than their American counterparts.
Say what you will about the French and their stuck-up reputations. They have several things figured out in the realm of parenting. If our mission as parents is creating independent humans, I think we can learn a lot from the French ideal.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Saturday, March 26, 2016
top twenty
Y'all, adulating it so.very.tough. If I were to go back and tell fat baby Derek anything, it would be, "Slow down! Enjoy all this!" There are just so many responsibilities, places to be, things to do. Throw in a marriage, a semblance of having adult-y relationships, and trying to keep your own bucket full - or at least not bone-dry - and there are some things that get neglected. Namely, blogging. I've read - and listened - a lot this year. 20 so far in 2016, which is far beyond what I expected. So rather than do 20 individual posts - because all 5 of you don't need that much reading material - I decided to do a ranking of what I've read with my thoughts on each. As always, I've linked each work to its Amazon listing. Be sure to check out #readdoopsread2016 for "play-by-play" updates into our reading for the year.
1. Run of His Life - Jeffrey Toobin. If you haven't been living under a rock, you know how much this season of American Crime Story has overtaken pop culture. If you pay attention to the opening credits, you'll see this book cited as the basis for this season. I remember being enthralled with this case as an 8-year-old, despite the fact that I didn't understand the implications of it all. Toobin, a Harvard Law grad who covered the case when it happened, does a phenomenal job of explaining the ins and outs of this landmark case. But it is not for the faint of heart. At 450 pages of tiny, single-spaced print, this one took me 3 weeks. Worth every second.
2. Reconstructing Amelia - Kimberly McCreight. I have a confession. I have a slight obsession with tales set in high-school. Maybe it's my profession, but there is something weirdly interesting about the intricacies of the social circles of that age. We find a tale of girl gangs, hatred, seeds of gossip being planted, and the ultimate price that the victims pay when the mean girls win. Woven with insight into the group, flashbacks, and sadly accurate dialogue, this one was heartbreakingly wonderful.
3. A Man Called Ove - Fredrik Backman. At the recommendation of one of my most trusted book nerds, I gave this one a whirl. I can't fully say how glad I am that I did. I laughed, I identified with sad Ove, and I wept at the end. Ove is the man who we all fear we will become in some ways yet deeply admire for other reasons. My biggest complaint was the inconsistency of the language - I'm an admitted snob about what I call "beautiful prose" - but I have to remind myself this was translated form Swedish. If you have yet to read this, add it to your list today.
4. The Good Girl - Mary Kubica. While at first, I was billing this as Gone Girl: Lite, I eventually changed my tune. In a classic he said-she said back and forth, we are taken on a whirlwind of an abduction case. I will say, since the abducted is held in a cabin in the woods, that I don't recommend that you read it while in a cabin in a secluded town. Not that I know anyone who did that. Just a warning. An exceptionally written thriller with one heck of an epilogue.
5. After You - Jojo Moyes. A beautifully written sequel to Me Before You, so read that first if you want this to make sense. Moyes explores what it really feels like to move on after a tragedy while also investigating the way people get treated by others following the event. Also, this was not nearly as wrecking as its predecessor. I managed to not weep my eyes dry with this one.
6. Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng. When the middle child of an immigrant family goes missing and is eventually found dead, the effects of the trauma are far reaching. Ng expertly weaves a tale that shows how a tragedy can effect each family member differently. With flashbacks and chapters that focus on different family members throughout, she keeps the reader engaged.
7. Orphan #8 - Kim van Alkemade. When a young girl in 1920s New York is sent to a Hebrew home for orphans and is subjected to rounds of medical tests that alter her life permanently, she has a chance at redemption when she becomes a nurse. When the doctor who performed these experiments on her is suddenly her patient 30 years later, she has the ultimate decision to make in light of revenge or forgiveness. While I'm not typically into historical fiction or any work of fiction that isn't considered "modern" in my book, I really enjoyed the places that this book took the reader in location and in spirit.
8. More than Happy - Serena Miller. I'm a hippy at heart. Homemade, voodoo oils, crunchy granola, cloth diapering - these are my bread and butter. One of my great friends recommended this on the premise that my wife & I would get a lot out of it. While we are still waiting to be matched with our baby, I think it's never too soon to begin researching parenting strategies. The Amish have a lot of wisdom in the way they go about raising their children. They believe in the importance of a familial infrastructure, instilling respect and values from day one, and that less is more. I will purchase this book for my personal library. And that is a huge deal.
9. Sounds Like Me - Sara Bareilles. I love me some Sara B. I own all of her albums and have seen her live, a memory that I will always cherish because I remember how delightfully real she was on that stage. And she is supremely talented. Sara (whose last name always requires a google visit before typing) takes us on a journey of her life so far, backed by the lyrics of her songs and telling what they meant to her at the time. I heard her throughout and was left thankful for all she has done for music. (Side bar - if you follow one celebrity on twitter, it needs to be her.)
10. Before He Finds Her - Michael Kardos. Any time an audio reader tries accents from backwoods West Virginia, I chuckle. I chuckled profusely at times. The basic premise lies in a young girl who escaped 15 years ago when her father murdered her mother. He was never found, and she entered "witness protection" with her aunt and uncle, her only living relatives. While living in constant fear that he will find her, she could never attend school, have her photo taken, or have much contact with the outside world. When she learns she is pregnant, she wants to find her father so she can make peace with her past. What she finds in the process makes her question everything she has ever believed as truth. While it was billed as a thriller, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe "kiddie coaster" would suffice.
11. The Inner Circle - Brad Meltzer. The wife & I discovered the 3rd book in this trilogy at the end of last year and read it on a road trip. It was excellent, so we picked up with the beginning. It's essentially a fictional take on what I think is a not-so-fictional secret society that controls the presidency. Meltzer is a gifted story-teller, and he knows his history; it is evident here.
12. The Fifth Assassin - Brad Metlzer. See above.
13. The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith. JK. It's JK Rowling. Cormoran Strike is the British Alex Cross minus the good looks. An overweight amputee injured in Afghanistan, he is now a private investigator. In the initial book of the series, he is investigating the alleged suicide of a supermodel, affectionately known as Cuckoo. Personally, I don't think the series would be as successful were Jo's name not attached to it. It's decent as a crime novel type series, but I am not obsessed with it in the way I am with Potter. Also, Jo has a potty mouth we never knew existed.
14. Where We Belong - Hoda Kotb. I.heart.Hodawoman. Here, she tells the tales of various people - some famous, others not so much - who overcame obstacles to end up - you guessed it - where they belong. I listened to this one, which she read, so I enjoyed hearing her. It was not particularly thrilling or enlightening though.
15. The Position - Meg Wolitzer. Meg's The Interestings will forever be one of my top novels of all time, and I love the narratives she weaves. But this was kooky. The basic premise is that a progressive couple in the 70s writes a kamasutra of sorts and invents a new "position." When their children discover the book - which has illustrations of the couple - and read it, the impact is far-reaching for all of them and effects each of them differently. If you're even remotely a prude, steer clear of this one.
16. Killing Reagan - Bill O'Reilly. I love the Killing series. I love the research and insight that Bill brings to various assassinations in our history. But this one just fell flat for me. All I learned was that Ronald was a player in her early days and his kids were kinda nuts. Nancy is still a class act.
17. The Innocent Killer - Michael Griesbach. If you followed Making a Murderer on Netflix (I didn't, but I did catch the Dateline special), then you will appreciate this book written by one of the lead prosecutors in the case. The first half of the book focused on the wrongful rape conviction handed down to Stephen Avery, and Griesbach was outraged at the injustice in that case. In all honesty, I was too. In the latter portion of the book, he dives into the murder case around which the documentary centered. The evidence he presents in the book - and from what I've been told, he was one of the corrupt ones - points straight to Avery unfortunately. This was a quick read, but it was not fantastic. However, it was heartbreaking that our justice system is not in fact just.
18. How I Shed my Skin - Jim Grimsley. As an adoptive dad open to transracial adoption, I was hopeful that this would be a useful read. The author grew up in the racist south and learned to overcome the lessons that were ingrained in him from an early age. What I hoped I would get was an honest approach to the race issue that I could share with others in the future. What I got was a memoir about a man whose story I was not entirely excited to learn.
19. The Martian - Andy Weir. I wanted this one to be good. I read the hype. I listened to everyone talk it up. But it just did not deliver for me. I enjoyed the math bits, but the science talk was just too much. I wanted character growth, and I ultimately got depressed. Although the audiobook reader was fabulous at the NASA engineer's voice. And geez, the language was over the top.
20. The Children's Crusade - Ann Packer. I have a confession. I judge books by their covers. And I am a cover art snob. If it's pretty, I'm intrigued; if it's ugly, I don't even consider it. This cover art drew me in in some strange way. The book follows couple and their coming-of-age teenagers in San Francisco. I am obsessed with coming of age for some weird reason - maybe because I was a bit of a late bloomer myself? The book focused mainly on the effect of divorce on the couple's now-adult children. I spent a week listening to this, and frankly, I am angry that I can't have that week back. While discussing this one with a friend who had also read it, she said she desired more character growth as they were all very static. Few things are as unfortunate as a static person who isn't real.
I wish I could say this is the last time that I won't blog each book, but let's face it y'all, life is busy. Hope you'll still come back when I've blogged again.
1. Run of His Life - Jeffrey Toobin. If you haven't been living under a rock, you know how much this season of American Crime Story has overtaken pop culture. If you pay attention to the opening credits, you'll see this book cited as the basis for this season. I remember being enthralled with this case as an 8-year-old, despite the fact that I didn't understand the implications of it all. Toobin, a Harvard Law grad who covered the case when it happened, does a phenomenal job of explaining the ins and outs of this landmark case. But it is not for the faint of heart. At 450 pages of tiny, single-spaced print, this one took me 3 weeks. Worth every second.
2. Reconstructing Amelia - Kimberly McCreight. I have a confession. I have a slight obsession with tales set in high-school. Maybe it's my profession, but there is something weirdly interesting about the intricacies of the social circles of that age. We find a tale of girl gangs, hatred, seeds of gossip being planted, and the ultimate price that the victims pay when the mean girls win. Woven with insight into the group, flashbacks, and sadly accurate dialogue, this one was heartbreakingly wonderful.
3. A Man Called Ove - Fredrik Backman. At the recommendation of one of my most trusted book nerds, I gave this one a whirl. I can't fully say how glad I am that I did. I laughed, I identified with sad Ove, and I wept at the end. Ove is the man who we all fear we will become in some ways yet deeply admire for other reasons. My biggest complaint was the inconsistency of the language - I'm an admitted snob about what I call "beautiful prose" - but I have to remind myself this was translated form Swedish. If you have yet to read this, add it to your list today.
4. The Good Girl - Mary Kubica. While at first, I was billing this as Gone Girl: Lite, I eventually changed my tune. In a classic he said-she said back and forth, we are taken on a whirlwind of an abduction case. I will say, since the abducted is held in a cabin in the woods, that I don't recommend that you read it while in a cabin in a secluded town. Not that I know anyone who did that. Just a warning. An exceptionally written thriller with one heck of an epilogue.
5. After You - Jojo Moyes. A beautifully written sequel to Me Before You, so read that first if you want this to make sense. Moyes explores what it really feels like to move on after a tragedy while also investigating the way people get treated by others following the event. Also, this was not nearly as wrecking as its predecessor. I managed to not weep my eyes dry with this one.
6. Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng. When the middle child of an immigrant family goes missing and is eventually found dead, the effects of the trauma are far reaching. Ng expertly weaves a tale that shows how a tragedy can effect each family member differently. With flashbacks and chapters that focus on different family members throughout, she keeps the reader engaged.
7. Orphan #8 - Kim van Alkemade. When a young girl in 1920s New York is sent to a Hebrew home for orphans and is subjected to rounds of medical tests that alter her life permanently, she has a chance at redemption when she becomes a nurse. When the doctor who performed these experiments on her is suddenly her patient 30 years later, she has the ultimate decision to make in light of revenge or forgiveness. While I'm not typically into historical fiction or any work of fiction that isn't considered "modern" in my book, I really enjoyed the places that this book took the reader in location and in spirit.
8. More than Happy - Serena Miller. I'm a hippy at heart. Homemade, voodoo oils, crunchy granola, cloth diapering - these are my bread and butter. One of my great friends recommended this on the premise that my wife & I would get a lot out of it. While we are still waiting to be matched with our baby, I think it's never too soon to begin researching parenting strategies. The Amish have a lot of wisdom in the way they go about raising their children. They believe in the importance of a familial infrastructure, instilling respect and values from day one, and that less is more. I will purchase this book for my personal library. And that is a huge deal.
9. Sounds Like Me - Sara Bareilles. I love me some Sara B. I own all of her albums and have seen her live, a memory that I will always cherish because I remember how delightfully real she was on that stage. And she is supremely talented. Sara (whose last name always requires a google visit before typing) takes us on a journey of her life so far, backed by the lyrics of her songs and telling what they meant to her at the time. I heard her throughout and was left thankful for all she has done for music. (Side bar - if you follow one celebrity on twitter, it needs to be her.)
10. Before He Finds Her - Michael Kardos. Any time an audio reader tries accents from backwoods West Virginia, I chuckle. I chuckled profusely at times. The basic premise lies in a young girl who escaped 15 years ago when her father murdered her mother. He was never found, and she entered "witness protection" with her aunt and uncle, her only living relatives. While living in constant fear that he will find her, she could never attend school, have her photo taken, or have much contact with the outside world. When she learns she is pregnant, she wants to find her father so she can make peace with her past. What she finds in the process makes her question everything she has ever believed as truth. While it was billed as a thriller, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe "kiddie coaster" would suffice.
11. The Inner Circle - Brad Meltzer. The wife & I discovered the 3rd book in this trilogy at the end of last year and read it on a road trip. It was excellent, so we picked up with the beginning. It's essentially a fictional take on what I think is a not-so-fictional secret society that controls the presidency. Meltzer is a gifted story-teller, and he knows his history; it is evident here.
12. The Fifth Assassin - Brad Metlzer. See above.
13. The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith. JK. It's JK Rowling. Cormoran Strike is the British Alex Cross minus the good looks. An overweight amputee injured in Afghanistan, he is now a private investigator. In the initial book of the series, he is investigating the alleged suicide of a supermodel, affectionately known as Cuckoo. Personally, I don't think the series would be as successful were Jo's name not attached to it. It's decent as a crime novel type series, but I am not obsessed with it in the way I am with Potter. Also, Jo has a potty mouth we never knew existed.
14. Where We Belong - Hoda Kotb. I.heart.Hodawoman. Here, she tells the tales of various people - some famous, others not so much - who overcame obstacles to end up - you guessed it - where they belong. I listened to this one, which she read, so I enjoyed hearing her. It was not particularly thrilling or enlightening though.
15. The Position - Meg Wolitzer. Meg's The Interestings will forever be one of my top novels of all time, and I love the narratives she weaves. But this was kooky. The basic premise is that a progressive couple in the 70s writes a kamasutra of sorts and invents a new "position." When their children discover the book - which has illustrations of the couple - and read it, the impact is far-reaching for all of them and effects each of them differently. If you're even remotely a prude, steer clear of this one.
16. Killing Reagan - Bill O'Reilly. I love the Killing series. I love the research and insight that Bill brings to various assassinations in our history. But this one just fell flat for me. All I learned was that Ronald was a player in her early days and his kids were kinda nuts. Nancy is still a class act.
17. The Innocent Killer - Michael Griesbach. If you followed Making a Murderer on Netflix (I didn't, but I did catch the Dateline special), then you will appreciate this book written by one of the lead prosecutors in the case. The first half of the book focused on the wrongful rape conviction handed down to Stephen Avery, and Griesbach was outraged at the injustice in that case. In all honesty, I was too. In the latter portion of the book, he dives into the murder case around which the documentary centered. The evidence he presents in the book - and from what I've been told, he was one of the corrupt ones - points straight to Avery unfortunately. This was a quick read, but it was not fantastic. However, it was heartbreaking that our justice system is not in fact just.
18. How I Shed my Skin - Jim Grimsley. As an adoptive dad open to transracial adoption, I was hopeful that this would be a useful read. The author grew up in the racist south and learned to overcome the lessons that were ingrained in him from an early age. What I hoped I would get was an honest approach to the race issue that I could share with others in the future. What I got was a memoir about a man whose story I was not entirely excited to learn.
19. The Martian - Andy Weir. I wanted this one to be good. I read the hype. I listened to everyone talk it up. But it just did not deliver for me. I enjoyed the math bits, but the science talk was just too much. I wanted character growth, and I ultimately got depressed. Although the audiobook reader was fabulous at the NASA engineer's voice. And geez, the language was over the top.
20. The Children's Crusade - Ann Packer. I have a confession. I judge books by their covers. And I am a cover art snob. If it's pretty, I'm intrigued; if it's ugly, I don't even consider it. This cover art drew me in in some strange way. The book follows couple and their coming-of-age teenagers in San Francisco. I am obsessed with coming of age for some weird reason - maybe because I was a bit of a late bloomer myself? The book focused mainly on the effect of divorce on the couple's now-adult children. I spent a week listening to this, and frankly, I am angry that I can't have that week back. While discussing this one with a friend who had also read it, she said she desired more character growth as they were all very static. Few things are as unfortunate as a static person who isn't real.
I wish I could say this is the last time that I won't blog each book, but let's face it y'all, life is busy. Hope you'll still come back when I've blogged again.
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