parisian papa

I have a confession. I love parenting books. Like love love them. You're right, i don't have kids yet. But as we could literally be matched any day now, I want to be prepared. One of the weirdest things about adoption is that we don't get a typical 9-month gestation period. Next week will mark a year since filing our application. That's a long time to wait, but we also know that this is not atypical for adoptive families. Since it gives us a good bit of time to prepare, sometimes the nesting comes in phases - oooh, let's organize all the things today, rearrange the closet next week, but then not touch it for a couple of months lest I have a meltdown. It's really weird, y'all. 
In the meantime, I am trying to do as much research before hand as possible. I realize that there is no one-size-fits-all method to parenting, and I am aware that even within the same family, different children have to be parented differently. With that being said, I think it's wise to have a quiver full of strategies that I can employ when needed. Here comes Pamela Druckerman's Bringing up Bebe. The Mrs. had read this last summer and told me how much I would enjoy it, so it had been on my radar for a while. Thanks to an amazon card, i finally decided to take the plunge and purchase this one - a rarity around here. The linked version has been expanded & updated to included Bebe Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting, which can be purchased separately if you desire.

Druckerman is a US journalist who was eventually stationed outside of Paris, fell in love, and the rest is history. While pregnant with her first child, she began noticing how not unpleasant the children in France were in comparison to children "back home." Intrigued, she placed a notebook in her diaper bag and began taking notes everywhere & interviewing the mothers she encountered on what worked for them and what didn't. 
There are some things that make French childcare very different from American childcare. Chiefly, there are numerous government-subsidized "day cares" of sorts called creches, in which mothers begin petitioning for placement as early as 3 months into their pregnancies. Children then go to free government preschools until they are school age. The caregivers at these schools are revered, trained well (only 30 of 500 who take the initial test to be admitted into the program are accepted for the year-long certification process), and excellent at what they do. The focus during these early years is not academics - children will learn to read in elementary school - but basic socialization, manners, and general life skills. For the French, earlier is not always better. They are perfectly fine with a 5-year-old not reading as long as he or she understands the basic cadre (framework) of the home and is generally polite to adults (hello, goodbye, looking in the eye, etc.). Another startling difference is the maternity leave available - 3 months PAID. We all know, especially in this election cycle, how behind the US is in terms of family leave at a birth, but this gap was startling.
In terms of core values, the French value independent children who are self-sufficient at an early age as opposed to the smother mothers, helicopter parents, and newly-dubbed lawnmower parents we often see in America today. The author cites her amazement when, one morning while she is ill, her 6-year-old happily and without direction prepares breakfast for the family, "but you have to do the coffee." French parents realize that one day, their precious ones will leave the nest and will need to be able to survive without them; they are merely starting the prep work early. They also believe that it is good for children to learn patience and how to occupy themselves when bored. They shouldn't always get what they want when they want (parents abide by a few firm "no" responses with freedom given in the small details) nor should they be constantly engaged. They believe that a little boredom teaches self-sufficiency and ultimately perseverance.
Another startling difference is how early French children "do their nights," meaning sleep through the night. Parents believe that it can be harmful to go in and rescue a child who is sleeping every time he or she whimpers in the night, so they recommend observing the child and knowing the specific cries (namely, the one meaning, "Oops I crapped my pants!") so you can respond accordingly. Like adults, babies sleep in cycles, and they sometimes stir in between those cycles; if parents run in to rescue them each time they stir, they will never learn to connect those on their own. The French also argue that it's ok for a baby to be hungry at night, as adults often wake up hungry in the night before returning to sleep. They believe that babies should eat, like adults, at meal time primarily with no snacking in between. Pediatricians will recommend the "cry it out" method if a baby still isn't "doing his nights" by four months old.
The French believe firmly in the idea of "adult time" at night. Their children are expected to go to bed or away from the family room so parents can enjoy each other alone. They also make sure that their dens are distinctly separate from the play room; this isn't an area for toys to lie in wait. The demarcation they create allows the child to make the distinction between adult time and parent time. Essentially, it is a life of balance - parent, spouse, employee. Most studies and reports indicate that French adults are more stable, more secure, and more confident than their American counterparts.

Say what you will about the French and their stuck-up reputations. They have several things figured out in the realm of parenting. If our mission as parents is creating independent humans, I think we can learn a lot from the French ideal.