full story people

Last Tuesday night, we got the call that we were matched. Again. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified that we would find ourselves in the same situation as we were in last May. Our social worker reminded us continually on that call that, as we are fully aware, it is not at all final and won't be until several days after this little girl is born. The fear and the anxiety are there, and truth be told will continue to be there for the next 2 months. Don't get me wrong; the joy and excitement are still there. But so are the fear and anxiety. I've been continually reminded over the past 18 months that we have two different hands for holding two vastly different emotions. And I am so grateful for those two hands.

It's interesting how differently people process this fear about the unknown. I am cautiously optimistic about what lies ahead. I trust God and his sovereignty completely. I am doing my best to avoid sitting in my negative emotions by doing all the things and making all the to-do lists. I want to avoid the tears by just heaping on the joy and excitement in hopes that that will somehow outweigh the fear. Yesterday, we began sorting out what we had saved from HWD and determining which things were actually gender neutral so we could get a handle on what we need for WRD. In the midst of doing this, we came across some items we had purchased for our failed adoption of BSD, and I finally embraced those ugly or "bad" emotions that we 1s don't like to admit we have - because how DARE we admit to ourselves that we aren't good?? I looked at Rebekah and said, "I don't hate her [the birth mom from our failed adoption], but I hate what she did to us and put us through. And I don't like the her right now for that." She immediately responded, "That doesn't make you a bad person for feeling that way." Whew. Talk about a weight lifted and another step toward healing. 

A while ago, I was reading a book (whose name and topic escape me currently) and the author mentioned how hard it was to have new "full story" people in her life. She was writing about her divorce and how new people who didn't know the full story of her grief had to be told the story in its entirety once they had reached her inner circle of trust. She mentioned how difficult and exhausting it was to constantly be facing new scenarios in which she needed to explain the depth of her sorrow and hurt again and again. It's like picking a scab when it's starting to heal only to have it bleed everywhere again. Whenever you make new friends, you gain several full story people into your circle. Moving schools this year has brought about the opportunity to have many full story moments over the past few months. I have gained several new friends on my hallway who accept my oddities like toe touches in the hallway and knitting during class change. And they have earned the right to be full story people because they have loved and accepted me, warts and all. This doesn't make telling the full story any less painful or traumatic. Today, I had three full story moments at work - something I would not have been able to do last year. I really think had I not sat with that uncomfortable emotion yesterday, then I would not have been able to have all of those full story moments today. In the midst of all of it, one of them looked at me and said, "But man, what love this little girl is already experiencing." Y'all, that hit me so hard in the best way. This little girl is already so. very. loved - even in my cautiously optimistic state. We have to cling to that right now.

I am so grateful for growth. I am grateful that there isn't a timeline on grief - even when I try to unfairly place that clock on myself and others. And I am grateful that it's ok for some people to cry to grieve and for others to do all of the things and make all the lists as a way to cope. We all handle it differently, and that's what's beautiful about the way God created each of us uniquely. 

Here are a few things you can pray with us in the months to come:

• Our birth mother, M. We pray that her heart is being shepherded for what is coming in the next couple months. We pray she knows the Lord and sees Him in this entire process.
• Our family as we prepare to bring another baby home again. Pray that we will parent with grace and embrace this last set of holidays as the Dupuis 3. 
• Grace and mercy toward one another. So far, we have been communicative in how we are coping with the stress, fear, and doubt. Pray that that continues and that we will treat each other with kindness and understanding. Pray that we will be transparent with each other and share what is on our hearts and what is causing us both joy and fear.
• Anxiety and fear. Of course there is the fear that we will have to tell our son that we aren't bringing a baby home again, and that is a terrifying fear that keeps me awake some nights. Pray that we will cling to God's promise that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7).