In case you've forgotten, my wife and I are in the home study process of our adoption. This will be our first child, and we are excited to be on this path. If you would like to follow our journey, visit our Facebook page here and share it with your friends and family. While I am excited, I often worry (there's a shocker for the day) about my own demons and insecurities manifesting themselves in our child. We have a wonderful counselor through Lifeline Children's Services, our local adoption agency, who recommended a parenting book to me recently in one of our sessions; she said, "You can't lead your child to a level of healing you haven't yet experienced yourself." You better believe I wrote that one down in my adoption journal (what, you don't have an adoption journal separate from your regular journal?). The quote was from Karyn Purvis' The Connected Child. The major premise of the book is bringing healing to adoptive children and bringing about healing for your family.
While the book, at times, read like a human growth and development textbook, Purvis and her team had several great strategies. Something she stressed was that adopted or fostered children often face several challenges before they even enter your home. Most of the time, these children have grown up quickly before you had the chance to meet them, and as a result, they face attachment difficulties. The best thing an adoptive parent can do for his child is to love him unconditionally. There are often things that will stop him from accepting that love initially, but Purvis encourages the reader not to give up. I really liked her idea of offering a choice in a clear, calm voice (often counting off the two options with one and two fingers in a non-threatening way) when your child is being difficult. For example, "You have two choices. You may walk beside the cart at the grocery store or you may ride in the buggy. Which do you choose?" If a child chooses to walk but then breaks the agreement, the parent is to remind the child of the choice and offer "If you don't stick to our agreement, I will choose for you." (i.e., You act afool and I will put your tail in this buggy and will even leave the buggy sitting in the store and take you home for your consequence which will be worse.) Purvis never advocates giving a free pass to a child simply because he is emotionally troubled and from an unstable background. Instead, she encourages parents to connect with their own feelings (yikes!), be firm and fair, and enforce the boundaries that have been set.
Overall I enjoyed this read. It has a lot of good strategies that would apply to any parent, not just an adoptive one. My wife and I discussed a lot of the elements in the book as I read, and we will be enforcing many of them in our house (though I'm not too sure about those puppet shows when #babydoop is afraid of the potty...puppets scare me). Several strategies presented are very akin to the Montessori method of learning, and that is something that is a high topic of discussion in our house since Rebekah teaches at a local Montessori school. If you are struggling with an emotionally detached child, are an adoptive parent, or are a family member or support system for someone who is adopting, I highly highly recommend this book.
3.5 (of 4) dusty book jackets.
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