fear the beard

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5

"You turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent." - Psalm 30:11

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." - Psalm 119:28

A year ago, my soul was weary with sorrow. We were barely 4 months into the waiting, and I felt like I could only fake it so much. Yes, there were days that were indeed blessed - those days when we could sleep in and sip on an entire pot of coffee if we so desired, the days we spontaneously decided to drive to Tuscaloosa for a ball game, those nights when we could sleep all the way through without worries about whether or not the monitor is actually working. But there were also the days when each not now, no, or even package in the mail could send me into a temporary depression. There were days when I could barely pull myself out of bed for the weight of it all. 

While we waited, I originally had a whim of growing out my hair (it was the year of the #manbun; don't judge) while we waited to meet our child. If you know we very well, you know how nuts I go when the first hair touches my ears between cuts. Considering the length of time that we could have potentially been waiting, I knew this was not feasible. I wanted an outward expression of the journey we were on, but I wasn't sure exactly what that looked like.

Our profile "went live" a few days before No Shave November, so I decided to do something I had never done before in my life with much success - grow a beard. I kept it trimmed up every month or so, but I had a nice beard on April 11 when we got "the call" that I will never forget. That night when I got home, I shaved it clean and posted a picture with a caption about it being time for a change or something like that. There were a few people who knew the real reason why.

Flash forward to the anniversary of the waiting - the end of October 2016. I had a 6 month old at home who was a clear reminder of the mourning that had been turned into dancing. In scripture, those who were in mourning often wept, tore their clothes, and shaved their heads. I wanted the antithesis of that and proof of my God's faithfulness. So I decided to regrow the beard. This year, I decided not to trim it but to just let it do its thing. It's gotten pretty intense to say the least. Someone jokingly referred to it as a "chunk of love" last week. 

Barring anything bizarre, I will grow this chunk until April 14, our family's gotcha day. I will look in the mirror and be reminded of the faithfulness of our God, the way he brought joy in the morning and turned our weeping into joy. I will forever share the story of how great our God is, and I will use anything I can to do that - even if that's just a beard.

dream

If you had told me 10 years ago that my life would look the way it does today, I would've recommended we find you the nearest mental hospital. Had you told me even 5 years ago, I probably would've looked at you strangely. It's interesting how the picture we get of our lives in our teens and early 20s isn't always the picture God has planned for us. Please don't mishear me; I believe very firmly in the plan God has for my family & that we have taken the steps that follow his will. I just didn't necessarily picture my life the way it is today. And I couldn't be more thankful for that first step of faith.

For lack of a better description, I went to school for 13 years in a very white school. I worked there through college & taught there for the first 5 years of my career. When my wife & I decided to move to a new locale, the first school I taught in was pretty much the antithesis of that. I could not be more grateful for that school & the people I encountered there. Something I have come to realize is that my 2 years there educated my heart. The Lord opened my eyes to pictures of love beyond what I had experienced. 

I learned how to open myself up, to see with my heart, & to be thankful for students who wanted to learn. My time there, sadly, opened my eyes to extreme injustices in society and the "haves" versus the "have-nots," and this epidemic started even at the central office level. This is something that occurs in every single school system, in every single city, in every single state in this great country of ours. Sadly, there is a great divide of possessions and status that is at times centered on the color of one's skin. 

Please focus on the at times part of that; this is in no way a definitive statement. It's just the reality of our world. Despite the grand dreams that Dr. King had that we would one day live in a world where his children would not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character, I don't think we are in that place as a nation. Do I think we have made strides? Most certainly. But we have a long way to go.

I have a dream as well. I have a dream that my little boy will grow up in a country where people see his smile and his love for Jesus before they see anything else. I have a dream that he will do great things for the kingdom of heaven in his lifetime without others noticing he doesn't look like them. I have a dream that he will be known for his impact on future generations, not the story of his journey to our family. I have a dream that he will speak up for injustices that he sees instead of becoming a silent observer. 

On this day in which we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King and his impact on society, I am thankful that there was a man who worked tirelessly to shed light on the way individuals are mistreated based on their exterior. I pray that the way my family has been formed will change the hearts of others and bring glory to our Father. And I pray that we continue to make progress toward truly accepting our brothers and sisters for who they are, regardless of the differences we have.

2016

This year was a crazy one to say the least: new baby, new school, new responsibilities. Somehow I managed to read & listen to 79 books this year; I'm 80% complete on book 80, & I hope to finish listening to it before Saturday. I am thankful for mornings before work & long runs with my boy to listen to most of these. Because I don't have the time or patience to compile a #1 - 80 ranking, I compiled a Top 5 for fiction & non-fiction & a Bottom 5 across genres for the year. Each title is linked to its Amazon listing (technically, it's Amazon Smile that benefits our adoption agency - if you don't do Smile, you should.)

Top 5 Fiction
1. Modern Lovers by Emma Straub. We follow three college best friends as they age, and we see the repercussions of their actions across time. Strobe writes with a clear voice and created interesting characters who intertwined beautifully. 
2. Orphan #8 by Kim van Alkemade. A nurse who was once an orphan in a "medical test trial" orphanage has the chance to affect the last days of the doctor who made her life miserable in her early years. This one truly made me think about the effects of vengeance and bitterness over time.
3. Don't You Cry, Pretty Baby, & The Good Girl by Mary Kubica. Yes, I know this is 3 books, but I couldn't outrank one of these over the other. Kubica can spin a twisted tale - of mistaken identity, psychosis, & kidnapping - but be sure to have your dictionary handy; she loves big words. 
4. Lost and Found by Brooke Davis. An enjoyable tale of two crazy elderly folks and a young girl. I found the old lady to be delightfully tacky and brazen in an endearing way. It was a quick listen & a nice pick-me-up at a down time in the year for me.
5. The Nest by Cynthia d'Aprix Sweeney. A slight coming-of-age-ish tale about adult siblings and how their parents' actions & their actions all throughout life affected their current states of being. While the middle was very draggy for me and could have used some edits, it was a beautifully written work. 

Top 5 Non-Fiction
1. The Run of His Life: The People v. O.J. Simpson by Jeffrey Toobin. This was the book that the FX series American Crime Story was based on. Meticulously researched and well-written, this doozy of a read consumed my life for nearly a month.
2. Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology by Leah Remini. I am fascinated by occult culture (think FLDS) and escape stories. Remini is a hoot and a half, and learning about the truth behind this "church" was eye-opening. Her TV series that is currently on A&E is equally fascinating. 
3. First Women: The Grace and Power of America's Modern First Ladies by Kate Andersen. I will unashamedly admit that I love the Bush family - particularly Barbara & H.W. I loved this inside look at the lives inside the White House and the ladies who made it run. The author has also written another book about the life of "the help" at the White House that is on my radar.
4. A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold. This heartbreaking mother's look at one of the Columbine killers was fascinating and sobering all at once. As an adolescent at the time of the shootings, this was intriguing. As a father, it was terrifying to realize that we can seemingly do all the "right" things, but we cannot control our children.
5. Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys by Stephen James & David Thomas. In case you weren't aware, I am not a macho man. Raising a son can at times be terrifying for a guy who doesn't know all the "guy" things. I loved this practical look at the stages of boys and their mindsets and what we as parents and educators can do to help them become successful, productive men. 

Bottom 5 (All Fiction)
1. The Girls by Emma Cline. I just don't get the hype y'all. This was terribly terribly inappropriate. And not at all what I was expecting. I can't fully describe how uncomfortable this made me feel. 
2. 2 AM at the Cat's Pajamas by Marie-Helen Bertino. I'm still not sure if there were critters or humans involved in this one. Just weird all the way around.
3. The Children's Crusade by Ann Packer. This was truly a lesson in judging a book by its cover art. I loved the cover of the audiobook, and it sounded very much like a coming-of-age tale, but the characters were so static. And that made me sad.
4. The Versions of Us by Laura Barnett. While this did inspire another post on this blog, the book did not deliver in the way the synopsis promised. The premise was looking at how version A of my life might intersect with version C of your life and how that could alter history. It was very lengthy and not at all exciting. 
5. The Giver by Lois Lowry. I understand that this is a classic, but I did not enjoy it at all. The infanticide and the overall subject matter confuse me as to how it is considered children's literature. 

Maybe you agree with me on some and disagree on others, and that's ok! I hope this inspires you to think outside your traditional box of reading. Here's to 2017, y'all!

he provides

Dear Parent-in-Waiting,

I see you. I know where you've been. I know the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the tears, the loneliness. I know the sleepless nights, the journal entries, the activities you take part in to fake yourself out. I know the uncomfortable feeling you get at holidays when mostly well-intentioned people ask when a baby is coming. I know the frequent trips to a quiet corner at family gatherings to wipe your eyes away from everyone. I know the fake smile you plaster on because it's what you do at Christmas - even if it truly is your favorite holiday. 

I know because I walked that road. You see that man? He was faking his way through Christmas a year ago because it's what he was supposed to do. I remember last Christmas as a very dark time in my life internally. About a year ago while we were visiting my family for Christmas in my hometown, we got an email alert from our social worker. We received an info summary on a baby girl who had already been born. Immediately our minds went to the joy of being able to surprise our family with a new baby at the Christmas gathering. We said yes. And then the agonizing wait began. We even used some time on our Christmas break from school to research nursery organization and think of ways we could make the space unique. 

We were getting ready for Christmas Eve candlelight service at church when we got the dreaded "she chose another family" email. While we rejoiced for this life and this baby girl's future, we grieved for the loss in our own hearts. And then we had to pretend to have it together in under 15 minutes because it was church time and that's what we do. The second song we sang that afternoon was "Away in a Manger." I sobbed my way through it so badly that I am genuinely shocked an usher didn't ask to take me to the prayer room. 

When we got home that night, we read scripture - through a cloud of tears - about joy and reminded ourselves that our joy was internal and eternal.

The next day at our family Christmas gathering, we were surprised with gifts for the baby we hadn't even met yet. Needless to say, there were tears galore. In the moment, I realized how blessed we are to have a family who was loving and caring for the baby that we didn't know yet but had prayed fervently for for years. I realized how much I had missed in that Christmas season because I was so caught up in my own sorrow and heartache. But the Lord began to restore my heart and remove my sorrow. And now, I am preparing to celebrate my first Christmas as a Dada.

Wherever you are - waiting for a match through adoption, waiting for a court date, waiting for just one positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy - know that the Lord sees your sorrow and knows your heart. He will provide in His time and His plan. He will provide just what you need when He knows you need it. We may not always like that time aspect, but He has written the entire book that we are only reading sentence by sentence. Remember that you have friends who will stand in the gap for you, a family who loves you, and a God who provides for you. 

May your future Christmases exceed your wildest dreams. 

thanks

You know my name, my wife's name, our jobs. You've seen pictures of us, our day-to-day life, and our big, crazy family. You know how we handle and resolve conflict, our mindset on dating and what makes a marriage work. You've seen pictures of our son's nursery, pictures of our friends, and pictures of the church where we dedicated our son to the Lord when he was barely 6 weeks old. You know so many intimate details about our life that we compiled into our profile book. 

We know your name. We know the part of the country where you live. We know your medical background. We know how you describe yourself and your temperament. We know about the medical history of your family. We have not met in person, yet we share the most intimate bond imaginable. For you made the bravest choice possible and gave life to this little man who's snoozing away soundly across the hall as I write this, and in so doing, you helped bring about a family in this home. 

Birth mother, on this first Thanksgiving for my family of three, I am eternally grateful for you. Yes because you gave my wife & me a son, but for so much more than that. Thank you for looking outside of what was easy, convenient, or practical and choosing a selfless act of love instead. Thank you for honoring life and for giving this chubby-cheeked boy a life, hope, and a future. Thank you for giving me and my wife the family we have prayed for for years. I cannot imagine the difficulty of your choice and the thoughts that went through your mind. 

Today, as we hope to do each day, we honor you in our home. We speak with our 8-month-old openly about you and how brave, how selfless, and how bold you are. He has heard your name countless times. He has heard us pray for you by name. And I pray as he ages and especially as he approaches young adulthood, that he truly understands the impact of you on his life. We want him to know how much you have impacted his life, our lives, and the lives of generations to come with a single, selfless choice.

While we may not meet in the flesh any time in the near future, we pray that we meet on the other side of eternity. We pray for your relationship with Christ regularly, and we pray that we can share in the joy of being brothers and sisters in Christ with you. There are so many other things that I want to say, because "Thank you" just doesn't seem to be enough. But I do want you to know that we love you, we appreciate who you are, and we are always grateful for your love. 

choices

Do you ever consider the impact of a single choice on your life? And I mean truly think about the weight of how that choice could mold the rest of your life? I recently listened to a book (one which I wouldn't recommend) that looked at different versions of individuals' lives and how Version 1 of Person A's life intersecting with Version 3 of Person B's life could produce a completely different outcome than Version 2 intersected with the same Version 3. And that got my wheels spinning.

Something I don't often share is that I did not officially begin college at my alma mater. I spent the first 2.5 weeks of my college career at the rival school across town. It was essentially the antithesis of my high school experience and one I swore I didn't need repeated for the next 4 years of my life. Turns out, I was miserable and cried nearly every single day. I eventually was able to transfer to the college that helped mold me into who I am today.

I remember the day I went to buy my books at my new school. It was about 3:00 in the afternoon before a hurricane was about to blow in, and I pulled into the bookstore parking lot where I saw a high school classmate and close friend, who had no idea of my plans to transfer (remember, this was pre-facebook). She immediately began jumping around and yelling as she say my car. We hugged and laughed and cried and caught up briefly before I went to buy my books. When classes began after the storm, she introduced me to a friend of hers in our literature class who she had met during SGA activities. 

That mutual friend thought I was the biggest snob on the planet, and I thought she had no goals for her life. But I was drawn to her smile, her laugh, her zeal and passion for life. Over the next 7 years, a friendship developed into something more and we eventually could no longer be "just friends." I'm sure you can guess who that friend was. What if I hadn't transferred schools? I would have missed spending life with the one who God created specifically for me. I could have potentially missed a great deal of love, laughter, and some good eats. 

If you didn't know me before my wife and I were married, you are probably not aware of the other choice that impacted our life. In the early planning phases of our engagement, we originally wanted a long engagement and to be married in the late fall of 2012. But the stress and noise of wedding planning caused us to change our wedding plans to a small family ceremony in the spring. April 2012 to be exact.

If you remember the details of our adoption journey, you know that we were unable to file papers to adopt until our third anniversary. We filed them on that day; we had a great meal at home, spend the night in our pjs, and clicked submit to God's plan for our family that night. We spent the next 6 months in counseling, interviews, and home study before beginning the matching process in October 2015 (which would not have been our 3-year anniversary had we not moved the date of our wedding). We waited for 5 months which were at times excruciating and at times joyous as we savored the final days of "just us." And on our fourth anniversary, we received the summary of our little man that God had chosen for us. 

What if we hadn't chosen to change our wedding date? What if we weren't in the matching phase when our son's birth mother began to make her brave choice? I know that our son would have certainly been matched and placed with a loving family who would raise him to honor and serve God. I am not saying by any means that we are the supreme parents who have ultimately done some good deed. I am saying that God wove our story together in such an intricate way that even a choice such as the university I chose to attend or the date on which my wife and I chose to marry altered the course of my life, my family's life, and essentially generations to come.

Our God is in the details. As we sang in church this morning, He will not be delayed. He sets plans into motion and weaves together the threads of our stories in such major ways before we even realize that the loom is being threaded. Today, I am thankful for the day in 2004 that brought me to my knees and caused me to change what I thought was my plan for life. I am thankful for the day when I met that girl who thought I was a snob. I am thankful for the night we sat in her apartment and felt that tug on out hearts to change our plans to His plan. And I am thankful for every day with my family of 3. This is us, and I am thankful for us. 

adulting

I know that y'all know my general feelings about #adulting. As in, it is equal parts liberating and frustrating. I'm only a few months into this new decade, but the 30s have proved to be much more freeing than their predecessor. I find that I'm more sure of myself and ready to face life head on. But wow, the responsibility. Throw in a tiny human into the mix, and it's. just. wow. 

It's amazing how this child who I love more than life can also be so incredibly frustrating. You go from wanting nothing but snuggles to realizing why some animals eat their young. It's a weird range of emotions if you've never been there. And people will warn you of this, and you will roll your eyes and say, "___ doesn't know me. She doesn't know my life!" And then it will be true. You truly wonder how the same thing that brings you such joy can also be so maddeningly frustrating. 

Have you ever been through a season of life in which you know your obedience was directly in line with the will of God and then things almost instantly start to cave in? I know that I know that I know that we were called to adopt our #HWD. God placed that call on our lives and orchestrated that before we were even us. Through a lot of prayer and the Lord's faithfulness and provision, we were able to adopt our son relatively quickly and debt-free. We, along with so many of you, covered the journey in prayer, and God proved his faithfulness in our lives. And the enemy doesn't like that. At. All.

Satan will try to find any way he can to tear down what God has built up. He will cause work troubles and the stress of an unexpected job hunt with a 2-month-old at home. He will bring about unexpected financial situations like a broken air conditioner (I know I know #firstworldproblems). He will cause relationships that you thought were stable to unexpectedly implode over pettiness. He will bring on emotional pain and heartache in your marriage. 

But Christ is our redeemer. He holds the keys and none of this is a shock. He provides financially beyond your wildest imagination. He brings you even closer to home in a great school. He brings true friends into your life. He brings emotional healing and immense love out of the dare to love deeply in your marriage. He brings life, hope, and peace. And that is who I choose to place my trust in. Regardless of what the world throws at you, Christ is in control. And at the end of the day, I rest in that comforting embrace.

"I will not be moved. I'll say of the Lord, 'You are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliver. My shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need.'"