best of 2022

Welcome to my only blog post of the year. Oy vey. 2022 was tough in a lot of ways, so blogging fell by the wayside. Reading remained my solace. This year, I tracked my monthly reads on instagram and saw patterns in an interesting way. Some months were full of mediocre to less-than-stellar reads while others lacked quantity but had high quality reads. I managed 80 reads for the year, exceeding my initial goodreads goal of 40, that I intentionally set low since I was pursuing my STEM certification. I took on multiple new roles at work during the current school year, so the vast majority of these were audio books (because as the meme says, I absolutely don't want to be alone with my thoughts). In 2023, I am setting a low goal of 25 reads because I am adding more spinning plates to my circus act. In doing that, I will be using 2 different Bingo cards (Peanut Blossom one linked; source of other undetermined) that a friend pointed me to in order to frame my reading goals. I am excited about reading with purpose again.

As always at the end of the year, I present my list of best reads of the year. Several of these were obscure, so I hope something you see here appeals to you. Amazon links provided for convenience.

1. The Cartographers - Peng Shepherd - Equal parts mystery, thriller, nerd-out over books and maps, this book was genre-bending and intriguing. I devoured it and honestly don't know why more people aren't talking about it. It was a book club selection at work this year and was overall received well, but some folks pointed out plot holes I missed the first time around. That still wasn't enough to knock it off of my top spot for the year. 
2. Any Other Family - Eleanor Brown - A trio of families has agreed to raise three biological siblings as close to a nuclear family as possible, and the interactions were perfection. Brown expertly captured the hard seasons of a disagreeable child (#iykyk), the Pinterest-worthy mom, and the trials of parenthood in general. So much goodness about what it takes to be a family and so much insight into the hardest parts of adoption. For me especially, it was a timely read. 
3. Raising Emotionally Strong Boys - David Thomas - Rebekah introduced me to David after hearing him on an episode of That Sounds Fun, and I am eternally grateful that she did. This book opened my eyes to so many things about parenting and how the way I do things isn't always the best. I underlined and marked so much, and I had so much to share with my therapist from having read this. I know that I will continue to reference this for years to come. So much love for the folks at Daystar counseling. Sidebar: If you're a parent, you REALLY need to be listening to their Raising Boys & Girls podcast. If nothing else, you'll learn some great tacos to try in Nashville. 
4. The Last Time I Lied - Riley Sager - Sit amidst the backdrop of summer camp, this thriller hit every note for me. The twists and turns were plentiful, the plot was bonkers, and it all felt fresh somehow. It was dark without being macabre and the perfect back list summer read. I have read all of his work and loved most of it (don't get me started about House Across the Lake, y'all), but this stands out as my favorite.
5. The Golden Couple - Green Hendricks, Sarah Pekkanen - Crazy, dysfunctional couple in therapy with a counselor whose methods are less than traditional? My favorite writing duo at domestic suspense? Sign me up. And the twist at the end? Chef's kiss.
6. Taste - Stanley Tucci - My obsession with Tucci began in college when he owned Devil Wears Prada and then appeared everywhere in supporting roles for years and years. His comedic timing and deadpan humor endeared him to me and continue to keep me watching his films today. This was a food-driven memoir complete with recipes. I hear that the audio is wonderful, but the intense amount of language would have made it difficult for me. He was hilarious and honest throughout.
7. The Bullet That Missed - Richard Osman - Osman is a British game-show host-turned-author, but you would never know writing wasn't his first career. This is his third installment of the Thursday Murder Club series, and they continue to thrill me. His cheeky humor is evident in Joyce, one of the main characters who is particularly spicy. I love the tenacity and heart of these geriatrics who literally live in a retirement community and solve murders together.
8. State of Terror - Louise Penny and Hilary Clinton - I know, HRC as a fiction author? Mind-boggling. But the plot of this was so good, and the insight she provided because of her unique political roles and insight was second to none. If political thrillers aren't your thing, I encourage you to at least try, because it worked really well for me. I loved the quick plot and all the drama throughout, but I could have done without all the references to "the ineptitude of the previous administration."
9. Wish You Were Here - Jodi Picoult - Diana's life is on track until her planned vacation to the Galapagos goes nothing as planned. She meets an alarmingly frustrating man who she begins to develop feelings for. And then, everything changes. Part 2 of the book takes a major twist that I won't give away here, but it was well done. Picoult always manages to take hot topic issues and effortlessly make them relevant and strangely apolitical. 
10. The Lightning Rod - Brad Meltzer - Nola and Zig return in this follow-up to The Escape Artist, and this time they dive deep into a military cover-up. The suspense was there from the beginning, and the plot kept me guessing. Meltzer does a masterful job, per usual, of keeping the plot moving even as it gets a bit lengthy at times. I hope this series continues to grow and deliver. 

Honorable Mentions. These are books that would have made my top 10 in any other year, but I couldn't boot one of the above from the table to make it work.

• Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins- I have tried many times and failed, but audio was the perfect avenue for this YA / dystopian look at what happens when we are thrust into a sacrifice.
• Schooled - Ted Fox - This was a Kindle First Read that I devoured in about 48 hours. Jack is a SAHD who decides to run for PTO president to try to best his high-school arch-nemesis who has recently moved to town and is bent on destroying him for kicks and giggles. I laughed, I cried, I loved all of the allusions to parenting and how hard it is to be in the trenches every single day. It was quick, light, and fun, and by a mile my favorite First Read of the year.
• Carrie Soto is Back - Taylor Jenkins Reid - Filled with 90s nostalgia and tennis references, this look at what a comeback is like was pure joy for my Wimbledon-obsessed heart. I couldn't 5-star it because of the language throughout, but I loved Carrie's moxie and heart all throughout. Though I must admit, my heart ached when this was up for a Goodreads HISTORICAL FICTION. #itwasthe90s wasn't that far off.
• Killers of a Certain Age - Deanna Raybourn - Four women in their 60s work as assassins for an organization known only as the Museum. When they learn there is a hit out for them, they have to get creative in their methods to stay alive. Told in parts of current day and their early days with the Museum, it was fun to learn how the ladies became who they were today. I was so excited that this will be our January read for faculty book club. Much fun!

If you have read any of these, I would love to hear your thoughts. What books are you excited about trying in 2023? Right now, I haven't made specific plans outside of Marriage by Paul David Tripp, a deep-dive into Gospel-centered commitments every marriage needs. It has been a tough season for us, so I am looking forward to this deep-dive. I am also considering starting the Jack Ryan books, since there's a new season that has me back into CIA / spy / conspiracy theory mode. Happy reading, friends!

best of 2021

 This was a weird year for my reading. I set some some goals that I didn't meet, but I still managed to read and listen to over 75 books this year, and many of them were exceptional. Some were new releases and some were older reads. I also appeared as a guest on What Should I Read Next, which was a true bucket list item for me. As usual, I am compiling my best of list for the year. I would love to hear your thoughts if you've read any of these or have any suggestions of what I should try to read in 2022. And yes, I did a 1A & 1B because I really couldn't choose between these. Asking me to choose my favorite Kristin Hannah book is like asking me to choose my favorite child - not gonna happen. #sophieschoice

1A. The Great Alone - Kristin Hannah. Oy vey, my heart. This one wrecked me in the best way possible. So much truth about first love, loss, and longing for home. I rooted for Leni and Cora the entire time, but I also beat my chest in frustration over the choices they made (or didn't make in some cases). TW: abusive relationships.

1B. The Four Winds - Kristin Hannah. The Dust Bowl and the Great Depression are the major backdrops here, and wow there was so much heartache, but she wrote in such a moving way that you almost don't realize it. Elsa was a true warrior full of grit, determination, and love for her kids. I borrowed a coworker's copy of this, and when I finished it on my lunch break and returned it to her, I was weeping and could not talk about it at first. A truly phenomenal read, even amidst the heartache. I do wonder who hurt Kristin Hannah in her life, though? Like, why do we have all these characters we love only to have to watch them suffer? She is a true master.

3. The President's Daughter - Bill Clinton, James Patterson. If you haven't read this duo's first collaboration - The President is Missing - it's not a must for this one to make sense, but it is helpful. In this installment, we see former President Keating's daughter Melanie get abducted by terrorists. Keating and the remaining Secret Service he has must scour the globe to find her. Throw in some blackballing from the current president who dethroned Keating, and the drama was intense. This was one of my 500+ page reads for the year, but it never felt long. I didn't ever want to stop reading this one.

4. Giver of Stars - Jojo Moyes. This one was a couple years old, but I am so glad I listened to it near the end of the school year. The story centers around the Packhorse Librarians of Kentucky, which was an actual thing in the 30s and 40s. I loved all of the main characters, and I despised one of the fathers-in-law more than I have despised a fictional character since Dolores Umbridge. There was heart, drama, and pluck all throughout this one. I enjoyed it immensely. Also - Julia Whelan. Enough said. 

5. Sooley - John Grisham. I love a lot of Grisham's work, but especially his sports stories (seriously if you haven't read Calico Joe and are a baseball fan, please add it to your TBR). Sooley is a young African basketball player who comes to the United States for a showcase and eventually gets a scholarship offer from a small school in North Carolina, mainly as a favor to his national team coach. As he struggles to adapt to college basketball and gets a chance to play, the team makes a positive turnaround and gets a bid to March Madness. Sooley is the star of the team and the tournament as they make an unexpectedly deep run. But grab your tissues. I literally gasped and wept in the car near the end because of the shock and emotion of it all. 

6. Girls with Bright Futures - Tracy Dobmeier. Mean Girls meets Guilty Admissions in this delightfully dark satire. Three vastly different moms at an elite prep school in Seattle are all vying for the last spot available at Stanford - for their daughters. They all go to extreme lengths and betray a lot of people along the way, and in the end justice was served so neatly. I had a book hangover for several days after this one and found myself continually recommending this to my friends.

7. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - V.E. Schwab. Fantasy is not my usual jam (and I sort of enjoyed Schwab's magic series this year), so I was not expecting to enjoy this one, but I truly devoured it. Addie makes a deal with the devil in the 1700s to live forever, but the price she pays is that she will never be remembered by anyone she meets. Fast forward 300 years and she meets a young man in a bookstore who remembers her name the next day. Thus begins their relationship, filled with joy and heartache. Schwab expertly wove together 2 parallel yarns into a delightful tapestry that leaves you coming back for more again and again. Seriously, I would re-read this one to get those details again. The story line flashes back and forth between random eras of Addie's past and the present, so if that isn't your thing, then steer clear. Also - Julia Whelan. Enough said. Again.

8. Gentle and Lowly - Dane Ortland. This was a book that I needed in the moment I read it. Ortland takes us through Christ's heart for sufferers and sinners. He opened my eyes to so many truths in scripture about the way Christ cares for us and the way he calls us to care for others. It was a humbling and eye-opening read for sure. I will most definitely re-read it.

9. The Man Who Died Twice - Richard Osman. This was the second book in a series (Thursday Murder Club) about a group of friends in a retirement village in England who solve murders together. This one outshone the first, and we got more character development and the like. The voice of each character is so unique, and I loved the cheeky tones of the diary entries for Joyce, the "second in command" in the group. Osman is a talk show host by trade, but these stories are not at all what one would expect. I can't wait for the next one in the series.

10. Gods in Alabama - Joshilyn Jackson. This was one of Anne Bogel's bonus recommendations on my WSIRN episode, and it did not disappoint at all. Part murder mystery, part coming of age, part Southern thriller - this one checked off so many of my boxes. Anne hit the nail on the head with this one. I don't want to say much more because it will give a lot of things away. If you like Southern authors, I would highly encourage you to check this one out. I read it on paternity leave, and it has stuck with me all year. TW: sexual abuse, language.

I may not have read any books published in 1986, only read 2 "classics," and didn't meet my goal on re-reads of books I read in school, but I surpassed my goal of 50 books for the year. And just reading at all is good for me and my soul. I don't think I am going to do any challenges in 2022, and I will probably lower my reading goal because of some professional goals I plan on tackling. And that is still okay. What books did y'all love in 2021?

different, not less than

If you look at my son, it's not hard to see his is different from me. We don't share any DNA, but boy do we share personalities, characteristics, and quirks. Nurture won that battle by a landslide. But you may not realize by looking at him that his brain works differently than yours and many others'.  

We sensed that there was something slightly different about him early on. When he was an infant and toddler, he always preferred to play by himself (and to be honest, he still reverts to that often). He would fixate on objects, would spin in circles, and developed his own language to an extent ("keener" for penguin, Curious "Girge," "congraffe" for giraffe...the list is lengthy). Lotions and other "textured" things were often a no-go. Bath time was a disaster some nights unless I was in the tub with him. Any change in his expectations or routine sent him into a tailspin.

Rebekah mentioned our concerns to our first pediatrician who tried to explain it away as his just being a boy who would outgrow these behaviors. But he didn't. (No, we don't see that same doctor anymore). After some stories from school, we recently mentioned our concerns about his impulse control to out pediatrician who immediately said, "I can see that. Let's have him evaluated; you never know. It could be nothing, but it could be something worth looking into." She gave us some names, and we made phone calls to get on the schedule for an evaluation. Three months later, we finally got in to see a child psychiatrist who heard our concerns, gave his input, and sent us some rating scales to complete.

Now, I have filled out enough of these scales in my career to know how they work and what various "patterns" mean. It was clear before we even returned the scales that there would be a diagnosis of some type. It turns out our son is on the autism spectrum. Specifically, he has "broad spectrum autism disorder," what many of us knew as Asperger's Syndrome. His diagnosis is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum, but it is not without its challenges. He will need speech and language therapy to overcome his communication barriers and occupational therapy to help him navigate things like play skills.

So what does this mean for us? It means we research new behavior management. It means we continue to cling tightly to our small bubble and routine while also encouraging risk with a safety net. It means we help him develop social skills to safely talk to new people and use his words. It means we help him navigate complicated emotions on his level. It means we re-evaluate some things we expect from him behaviorally. It means we will ask our loved ones for grace and understanding, especially as we navigate the days ahead. It means we continue to fiercely love this beautiful human whom we have been entrusted. 

Just because my son is different, it does not mean he is less than anyone. 

ripple effects

One small pebble in a pond creates ripples on the surface that change the makeup of the pond - in ways both seen and unseen. One seemingly small decision, one prayer uttered, one email can all change your life and potentially the lives of others. These events all have impacts that last beyond that initial drop of the pebble. You can literally change generations of your family by responding yes to a simple email. 

9 years ago today: We said "I do" at a lovely lakeside ceremony surrounded by our family and dearest friends. The Lord orchestrated so many events leading to that day and in the days that followed - including moving up our wedding date 7 months so we could focus on each other. As we adjusted to married life, we learned that having a family would take "more than typical boy meets girl activities," as my bride would say. The Lord had been stirring her heart toward adoption for years (even before we met), and He began to stir mine toward it as well.

6 years ago today: We had done our research and started fundraising. We submitted our application to adopt on our 3rd anniversary, since Alabama law requires at least 3 years of marriage before an adoption. We had a simple dinner at home, brewed some coffee, and clicked submit to God's will for our family.

5 years ago today: We were on our way to Fish Market to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. Our emailed pinged with this message from a case worker at our agency.

Before we opened it, we prayed for guidance and direction (as we always did) as we drove. Rebekah read the summary aloud, and I could almost audibly hear the Holy Spirit asking me, "Do you trust me?" You see, this summary was for a boy who was 8 days old and didn't "sound" 100% on paper. We continued to pray over it and discuss it at dinner. We asked our closest circle of friends to agree with us in prayer. The next morning, we said yes to being shown to this birth mother. 5 days later, we received the call that we had been matched with this precious baby boy and would meet him in 3 days. He was healthy and perfectly crafted by a holy God. He had no concerns after leaving the hospital and being placed in interim care. 5 years later, he is still the perfect fit for our family.

Today: Life looks a lot different than it did 9 years ago. We have laughed and laughed way more than we have cried. We have moved schools a few-ish times and changed jobs. We have gone on big and small adventures and loved each other well. We have faced the loss of loved ones and the devastation of a failed adoption yet survived - only because of the Lord. We have expanded our family once more through the miracle of adoption. We have been blessed beyond measure. Anniversary dinners aren't fancy at this stage of life. Tonight, we watched our boy at gymnastics class and then went to a casual dinner as a family of 4. What was going to be a Mexican outing thanks to my forgetting a necessary ingredient for our crock pot dinner ended up at our beloved Full Moon (site of our pre-meeting HWD, just got home with HWD, and celebrating matching with WRD dinners - so it all works out). We recounted our highs and lows, rejoiced over the goodness of the Lord, and of course threw down on some "parpecue." It could not have been more perfect, even if it wasn't what was planned.

Every decision you make has ripple effects. I pray that the ripples we have seen are long-lasting, far-reaching, and God-glorifying. 

best reads of 2020

I always like to participate in reading challenges. This year, I of course did the Modern Mrs. Darcy challenge (completed in June, thank you very much). But I also created my own challenge by seeking to read 12 or more books from each of the following categories: rereads / re-listens of past favorites, banned books, YA / dystopian, and minority authors. Some books met more than one category and were counted as such (for example, Scythe got counted as minority, YA, and banned since it was in all of those categories). I was able to meet my goal and even exceed it in some categories - 20 minority books! My go to genre is thriller, and those always seem to be written by old white men and (maybe) crazy white women, so this year really stretched me, and I loved it! At the outset of 2020, I also had a goal to read and listen to 55 books. Welp, with a global pandemic and way more time at home, I was able to read and listen to 105 books this year. As always, here is my roundup of my top reads and listens of the year. I typically make a top 10 list, but since there are no rules in 2020, I did 13 favorites. My original plan was 12, but I had a New Year's Adam audio finish that warranted being added to the list after I had this draft written. I am numbering this with the ones I found myself always going back to and recommending to others at the very top.

1. Rodham (Curtis Sittenfield) - What would have happened if Hillary had not married Bill? That is the question this gem seeks to answer. I am not typically a fan of reimagined history (or the family at the spotlight), but I am a fan of beautiful writing, which Sittenfield gave us in spades, and the White House in general. The most interesting part of this was how Bill & Hillary were still in each other's orbits by the end of the book. I devoured this book, and I probably recommended it to everyone I know. This was my favorite of the year by a landslide.

2. Such a Fun Age (Kiley Reid) - This book was a hard read, but all in all it was a delight. A young African-American babysitter is accused of first kidnapping and then abusing the Caucasian girl who is in her care, and the media storm that follows is large. This opened up a lot of good conversations about our perceptions about race relations in America and especially class privilege. There was more language than I would have liked, but I find myself able to skip over that more when I am reading versus listening. Our protagonist was full of growth and strength, and I loved her even more for that.

3. Coast to Coast Murders (James Patterson) - If you've followed my reading for any length of time, you know James and I have an on again / off again relationship. And this one brought my back into his orbit full circle (to the point of getting caught up on the Alex Cross series this month). We see adopted siblings being framed for murder at the outset and later learn the deep affect of their psychiatrist parents' experiments on their lives. I could not put this book down, and I finished the 500+ pages in just over 48 hours. 

4. The Vanishing Half (Brit Bennett) - What are the consequences for passing as white? How is your life different if you choose not to pass as white? Bennett expertly answered that question in this heartbreakingly beautiful narrative that sees twin sisters who are light-skinned follow different paths. One chooses to pass as white and one does not. The ramifications for each are deep and life-changing. I recommended this book for our faculty book club, and it got mixed reviews - mainly for character development. I agree that there could have bene more growth, but the prose in this won me over. I filled up an entire page in my reading journal with beautiful (and sometimes heartbreaking) quotes from it.

5. City of Girls (Elizabeth Gilbert) - The best word I heard to describe this was "razzmatazz," and that hit the nail on the head. Our protagonist Vivian leaves her sheltered life to become a seamstress for show girls in 1940s New York. The imagery and characters were a true delight. There were some blush-worthy moments, but I feel like it kept in tone of what the book was trying to accomplish. Rebekah & I both listened to this on audio and hooted with laughter multiple times. The narrator was a true delight. If you pick this one up, know that about 1/2 - 3/4 it bogs down a bit, but it does pick back up in the end.

6. Mexican Gothic (Silvia Moreno-Garcia) - Set in 1950s Mexico, we find Noemi headed to her cousin's house after she receives a worrying letter about her husband possibly trying to kill her. What is revealed is that the estate she is living in is haunted. Noemi seeks to find the truth to save her cousin while also avoiding the trap of the house. This was the perfect balance of spooky and interesting without going overboard on the scary factor. I listened to this the week of Halloween, and it was perfect for that time of year. Also, the cover gave me ALL kinds of Hispanic Olivia Pope vibes.

7. Know my Name (Chanel Miller) - You may know Chanel's name from her victim impact statement went viral on Buzz Feed following her sexual assault by Brock Turner, an swimmer at Stanford with Olympic hopes. This was a heartbreaking account of the way Chanel's life was impacted by the night of the attack. It was not an easy read, but it was also important in terms of being a voice for victims and proving we really need to do a better job at listening to them.

8. The Stationery Shop (Marjan Kamali) - We find Roya and Bahman, two star-crossed teens in 1950s Tehran and how their lives change and intertwine decades later. I don't want to go into too much detail, because it will spoil the plot. The stationery shop, in itself, is a character here. I laughed, I cried, I talked back to the characters. This was a delight on audio.

9. Big Summer (Jennifer Weiner) - Weiner is hit and miss for me. Sometimes she goes a little too far left into the political landscape, and sometimes we get super sappy stories of friendship and love. This one, however, was neither, and it was a homerun in my book. Daphne, a plus-sized influencer, is asked to be a bridesmaid in her high school BFF's wedding. Drue has everything Daphne wants, and even though they had parted ways because of the way Drue treated her, Daphne can't resist Drue's orbit of influence. While at the wedding festivities though, this turns into a murder mystery. I never saw that part coming, and the remainder of the book is spent determining whodunit in a non-cheesy way. As a FFF (former fat friend) I saw so much of myself in this narrative. It was a delightful summer read, and I tore through it quickly.

10. Ghosts of Harvard (Francesca Serritella) - Cadence feels compelled to attend Harvard to investigate the apparent suicide of her older brother, Eric, who is schizophrenic. As she starts to hear voices and meet ghosts on the campus, she being to worry that she is also mentally ill. As her personal and family life begin to spiral out of control, she attempts to come to grips with her reality. The notes of psychological thriller mixed with mystery and academia so expertly. This was a hefty read, but I enjoyed it even more when I learned the author is the daughter of Lisa Scottoline, one of my favorite mystery writers.

11. Rising Strong (Brene Brown) - I love love love me some Brene. There were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room because she stepped on my toes so much. She dives deep into overcoming failure and setback while also getting better because of it. She really investigates the idea that everyone is doing their best and just needs a little grace and mercy, which is something I know I can give to people way more often than I do. I also have learned a lot from her line, "Here's the awful scenario I'm making up in my head," while in the middle of a hard rumble with a loved one. I want to be BFFs with Brene.

12. The Dutch House (Ann Patchett) - A generational tale of the Conroy siblings Danny and Jocelyn and the house that they grew up in, this one was one of my most anticipated reads this year. I listened to it early in the year and really enjoyed it. Tom Hanks is the narrator, and he is positively divine as the reader. If you read it in print, I highly recommend you listen to it later. The house was basically a character in the book, which I loved. There was not a great deal of plot movement, in my opinion, but the stories were woven together so expertly.

13. Speaking for Myself (Sarah Huckabee Sanders) - This was one of my final audios of the year, and it was a late addition to the list. Sarah is the daughter of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee and the former Press Secretary for Trump. She wrote at length about the struggles her family faced when her dad first took office and the bias against Trump as she worked in his administration. It was very informative and candid. She reads the audio, which was nice to hear. Please be mindful of multiple sources of information. 

It was a banner year for my reading - a personal high in books read, in addition to reading things outside of my comfort zone. I will post details for my goals for 2021 reading later, but I am planning to tackle the MMD challenges and The Unread Shelf Project as well. If you read any of these, or just have recs that you think I'll like, leave me a comment. Happy reading, friends.

full story people

Last Tuesday night, we got the call that we were matched. Again. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified that we would find ourselves in the same situation as we were in last May. Our social worker reminded us continually on that call that, as we are fully aware, it is not at all final and won't be until several days after this little girl is born. The fear and the anxiety are there, and truth be told will continue to be there for the next 2 months. Don't get me wrong; the joy and excitement are still there. But so are the fear and anxiety. I've been continually reminded over the past 18 months that we have two different hands for holding two vastly different emotions. And I am so grateful for those two hands.

It's interesting how differently people process this fear about the unknown. I am cautiously optimistic about what lies ahead. I trust God and his sovereignty completely. I am doing my best to avoid sitting in my negative emotions by doing all the things and making all the to-do lists. I want to avoid the tears by just heaping on the joy and excitement in hopes that that will somehow outweigh the fear. Yesterday, we began sorting out what we had saved from HWD and determining which things were actually gender neutral so we could get a handle on what we need for WRD. In the midst of doing this, we came across some items we had purchased for our failed adoption of BSD, and I finally embraced those ugly or "bad" emotions that we 1s don't like to admit we have - because how DARE we admit to ourselves that we aren't good?? I looked at Rebekah and said, "I don't hate her [the birth mom from our failed adoption], but I hate what she did to us and put us through. And I don't like the her right now for that." She immediately responded, "That doesn't make you a bad person for feeling that way." Whew. Talk about a weight lifted and another step toward healing. 

A while ago, I was reading a book (whose name and topic escape me currently) and the author mentioned how hard it was to have new "full story" people in her life. She was writing about her divorce and how new people who didn't know the full story of her grief had to be told the story in its entirety once they had reached her inner circle of trust. She mentioned how difficult and exhausting it was to constantly be facing new scenarios in which she needed to explain the depth of her sorrow and hurt again and again. It's like picking a scab when it's starting to heal only to have it bleed everywhere again. Whenever you make new friends, you gain several full story people into your circle. Moving schools this year has brought about the opportunity to have many full story moments over the past few months. I have gained several new friends on my hallway who accept my oddities like toe touches in the hallway and knitting during class change. And they have earned the right to be full story people because they have loved and accepted me, warts and all. This doesn't make telling the full story any less painful or traumatic. Today, I had three full story moments at work - something I would not have been able to do last year. I really think had I not sat with that uncomfortable emotion yesterday, then I would not have been able to have all of those full story moments today. In the midst of all of it, one of them looked at me and said, "But man, what love this little girl is already experiencing." Y'all, that hit me so hard in the best way. This little girl is already so. very. loved - even in my cautiously optimistic state. We have to cling to that right now.

I am so grateful for growth. I am grateful that there isn't a timeline on grief - even when I try to unfairly place that clock on myself and others. And I am grateful that it's ok for some people to cry to grieve and for others to do all of the things and make all the lists as a way to cope. We all handle it differently, and that's what's beautiful about the way God created each of us uniquely. 

Here are a few things you can pray with us in the months to come:

• Our birth mother, M. We pray that her heart is being shepherded for what is coming in the next couple months. We pray she knows the Lord and sees Him in this entire process.
• Our family as we prepare to bring another baby home again. Pray that we will parent with grace and embrace this last set of holidays as the Dupuis 3. 
• Grace and mercy toward one another. So far, we have been communicative in how we are coping with the stress, fear, and doubt. Pray that that continues and that we will treat each other with kindness and understanding. Pray that we will be transparent with each other and share what is on our hearts and what is causing us both joy and fear.
• Anxiety and fear. Of course there is the fear that we will have to tell our son that we aren't bringing a baby home again, and that is a terrifying fear that keeps me awake some nights. Pray that we will cling to God's promise that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). 

What We Need

Most of you know that we are big fans of He Reads Truth / She Reads Truth in Chez Doop. The current study is on The Presence of God, and as I was listening to the podcast this morning, one of the founders was talking about God's presence with the Israelites. She talked about how the Lord could have led them on a quicker path toward the Philistines, "Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt" (Exodus 13:17 ESV). She went on to say that even though the Israelites thought they knew what they needed, the Lord knew what they actually needed. 

Welp, if that didn't hit me like a ton of bricks mid-run. How often we condemn the people of Israel - "The Lord delivered them from slavery, can't they just be grateful and do what he says?" "Can't they stop complaining about the food and just eat it?" "Can't they stop worshiping other gods and worship the one true God?" and so many other things - when we are just. like. them. We forget the great things God has done for us and aren't grateful for his deliverance from our old way of life. We don't obey him. We complain. We may not physically bow down to other gods, but our hearts are bent toward other things apart from Him. We think we know what we need but we really don't.

Our adoption has gone really quiet after a summer packed full of info summaries. It is so strange to hurry up and wait. Back in June I had to call my boss at A+ and say "Hey, I might be out of state all summer, so we need a backup plan in place." We Zoomed with a potential birth mother who ultimately chose another family, which meant no travel. We continued to get info summaries followed by "she chose another family" emails up until the week of school starting. I had to meet with my new principal before school started to say "Hey, we're showing again to a birth mother who has already delivered, so there's a real possibility I won't be here for the start of school." She chose another family, too. 

And it's been relatively quiet for the past month, which is weird this go round. Last week, I was feeling sorry for myself and the seeming silence during my quiet time. I felt very plainly the Spirit speaking to me and asking, "Do you REALLY think you could have handled a new baby on top of everything you faced in August?" [New school, opening school in the midst of the chaos of 2020, costly repairs to both vans, and the washing machine died - like they don't make the part anymore died - all in one month.] Immediately humbled, I answered no. I didn't know what was around the corner when we got all of those "she chose another family" emails, and I still don't know. However, I do know that the same God who saw the Israelites through the desert into the Promised Land is the same God who is fulfilling his promises for my family today.