it's time

     There is a stigma surrounding anxiety - that it's people who stay home all the time, that it affects only certain people who seemingly can't pull themselves out of bed to function, or that it means people don't ever want to be around others at all.  While some elements of those may be present in some individuals who face anxiety, there is no one way it looks in everyone.  It is different for everyone.  For others, it means overanalyzing every comment you made that day (or even last month) and worrying about how it was perceived, getting so frustrated by a situation that the only thing you know to do is go outside and scream, overworking yourself to stay busy, or losing interest in doing the hard but fun things you used to do to stay active.  

     I'll let you guess which batch I fall into.  You see, anxiety is all around you.  More people than you imagine face its struggles daily, and we are hiding in plain sight all around you.  Granted, some people hide better than others, but it's all. around. you.  The highlight reel of social media - which I must say I include the good, bad, and ugly most days -  fools some into believing that some people have it all together.  "He has a beautiful family, a great job, a great church, and good friends.  What could he have to be anxious about?"  In short - plenty.

     Living with anxiety sometimes means you realize the absurdity of some of your fears but you cannot put them away - no matter what you try.  It means that some days, color-coding your calendar helps ease the pain but doesn't take it away.  It means that some days, even as badly as you know you need to run because you've stress eaten for the past four days solid, you cannot bring yourself to lace up your shoes because you just want to sit on the couch.  It could also look like ugly fights with your loved ones over senseless things and then beating yourself up over what you shouldn't have said and spending the rest of the afternoon in tears that you just can't stop.  And then there are the "glorious" days when you think and overthink about every text message or email you sent this week, every ignored statement that may have had nothing to do with you, and that you write all these things out in your journal just to get them out of your head.  

     My point is, anxiety looks different on everyone who faces it.  My anxiety does not equal someone else's anxiety, and mine is no greater or less than anyone else's because it really is all relative.  What might be a small deal for you, could send me into a tailspin faster than you can blink your eyes and vice versa.  Each individual's reality is just that - reality for that person.

     And before we go further, let me put this out there - being a born-again Christian does not protect you from anxiety.  Yes, I cast my cares on Jesus and pray to work through my issues, but it does not mean he will automatically take them away just because I asked him to.  As twitter user @abbyjperry put it so eloquently, "So help me if I see another tweet or comment suggesting real Christians don’t struggle with debilitating depression or anxiety. I wouldn’t be out of my bed loving my kids today without Zoloft and I’m pretty sure that’s not due to a lack of the indwelling Spirit." If that's not the gospel truth, I don't know what is. And this is kind of the point of this post (sorry my first blog of 2018 is so macabre).

Many of you know that I have been seeing a counselor this summer. She has worked with me on communication skills, fighting fair, and self care. She has been wonderful in keeping me accountable and not just making me feel good. She has also worked to get me a referral to a psychiatrist for a medicine evaluation, which I will be doing tomorrow. Let's face it, I love #demearls but they can only do some much. Sometimes it is just a chemical issue that oils can't fix.

So why am I putting all of this out there? Well, several reasons. Writing is very cathartic, and sometimes I just need to share my journey and remind everyone that we are all struggling with something. Also, if you interact with me regularly I want you to know so that if you notice a change - whether it be positive or negative - you can tell me. Mainly, I need prayers that the doctor understands my struggles and correctly diagnoses it so that we can get the medication correct on the first try. I need to be the best husband, dad, friend, and teacher that I can be. I am currently not meeting that bar on my own and need outside help with it; I just want it to be right and well done the first time.

     Let's all remember as we face the world each day, that everyone is facing a struggle that we may be unaware of. Treat each other with patience, kindness, and understanding. Who knows? We just might make the world a better place in the process. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for listening.

adieu

2017, you changed me. You shook me to my core. You tested the foundations of my faith. You caused me to rely on my God & my family more than ever. You stretched me in new ways. You brought new responsibilities to my plate. You took a dear family member from me unexpectedly. And every single day, you taught me. 

The year truly began with a bang of a mini financial crisis because I didn't read some fine print. But God was faithful. He provided until we sorted things out and got back on track. My son's health continued to go downhill with ear infections out the wazoo. But God provided a referral to the best children't ENT, and since he had tubes in the spring he has done remarkably well. We cancelled an anniversary trip due to surgery, which caused some selfish anguish on my part. But God granted us a night when our son spent the night with his Queenie & Papa while we relaxed at home and rented a red box movie - perfect getaway in my book. 

In the spring I had a coaching duty thrust upon me (seriously I still LOL when someone calls me "Coach"), which meant late nights, meals on the run, and a desperate need for a planning-period nap every Tuesday during season. But God was again faithful. We changed a few things at home to make it run more smoothly and I fell in love with track season while I learned A LOT about how to improve for the coming season.

The summer saw our family back vacation cut short because of a tropical storm - kind of ironic for a guy who grew up on hurricane parties. But God kept us safe while we had a lovely staycation free of social media & full of love and laughter. We learned to slow down and enjoy each other more. We also began our journey as foster parents, which has been incredibly exhausting and grueling. I do not like change. At all. And this time, I voluntarily signed up for perennial change. I learned that my communication skills need to improve and that my heart has room for more love. God has brought great friends into our lives to walk alongside us on this journey. And He showed me that I can handle a little chaos and unpredictability in my life - who knew?

The fall was full of heartache. While my son was recovering from his second surgery of the year, my father in law passed away quite unexpectedly after a short hospital stay. We were very close, and he loved me like I was his own son. I learned so much from him in 6 years, and deep down, I was bitter for weeks that he was taken from us - and our son - too soon. It was a week full of chaos and change in our home. But God carried us when we couldn't walk and provided us with friends and family who helped us with food, child care, and adjusting to a new normal for our family. 

The winter brought an unexpected surgery for me as well. I've drastically changed my lifestyle over the past decade and consider myself to be in relatively good health. So I was  quite shocked to learn that my bilirubin levels were alarmingly high as a result of gallstones. I had my gallbladder removed last week (Merry Christmas to me), and I am feeling better. God provided knowledgeable health care professionals who didn't make fun of me when I was whacked out on medication (seriously, we need to submit some of Rebekah's videos to AFV) and took great care of me.

Throughout the turmoil of this year, I was reminded that my marriage relationship is not picture perfect. Spoiler alert if you don't already know: most of us are more than what we post on social media. I love my wife fiercely, and she loves and cares for me like no other. But sometimes, we don't communicate our love or needs as well as we should. We fight and argue. Not daily, but more than we should because we are fallen humans. After our most recent squabble, I was having difficulty sleeping. And in that moment, the Lord spoke very clearly to me. He said "If you aren't doing anything to prevent it, you're trying" (kind of like procreation). It hit me like a ton of bricks that by not taking proactive steps to prevent disagreements, I was basically trying to have arguments. 

I know that we as Christians are all familiar with Ephesians 6:12, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." But how often do we actually take the take it to heart? So I have committed to pray daily for Rebekah and for the state of our relationship - that we would communicate and love each other well and that we would love God so whole-heartedly that we are bound together even more by our love for Him. So why am I sharing this here? So that hopefully someone will learn from my selfish mistake and find his or her relationship strengthened.

2017 was a year full of change and things that I did not enjoy in my flesh. But in my spirit, I am content. The Lord has been gracious to us as always. Our needs - and many of our wants - have been met. We have never done without and have lived in abundance, even when it was trying. I pray that I take what 2017 taught me and use that to better myself, my family, & the kingdom as 2018 begins. For now, I say peace out to 2017. You taught me more than you will know.

booking it through 2017

I realize this is only my 3rd blog post this year, and I must apologize. 2017 was full of change for our family (more to come on that later), and blogging was one thing that fell by the wayside. In spite of that, I was able to read & listen (mainly the latter) to 63 books - including a re-listen of the Potter series, my first venture into Narnia, & finally getting around to Les Mis 14 years after I was supposed to in high school (why so much, Victor?). As I usually do, I'm doing my list of my best reads of the year. These are the books that will make it onto my Christmas List next year, because I would read them again. Also linking each one to its Amazon listing in case you're interested.

1. The Hearts of Men (Nickolas Butler) - We find a misfit at scout camp being accepted by the alpha male and forging his way into his adolescence and eventually adulthood. We learn how the events that happened then play into his life later on and mold him as an adult & a father. The characters were real, relatable, & heart-breakingly honest. I cried at the end.
2. You Will Know Me (Megan Abbott) - Set against the cut-throat world of competitive gymnastics, this adolescent-driven gem had a twinge of psychological thriller to it. We spend the entire novel trying to figure out what caused a lead character's death, and I had no clue until it was revealed. Abbott always writes such clear prose and develops characters with such emotional depth. She is one of the great modern writers in my book.
3. Winter Street series (Elin Hilderbrand) - I am normally not a fan of Christmas books (really odd for someone who loves Christmas), but I am a huge Elin fan. The series follows the Quinn family and all of its drama through 4 winters at the Winter Street Inn on Nantucket. This was a series that was released over 4 consecutive years, but I listened to the whole thing this Christmas break; I'm really glad I did, because I would've hated to wait for that many years to learn what happened. As always, Elin gives us a fair dose of sketchy love choices, family dysfunction, and the obligatory reference to a chaise lounge. 
4. Pretty Girls (Karin Slaughter) - By far, the most twisted thing I read this year. I can't explain the premise without giving too much away. But I will say that it's part murder mystery, part psychological thriller, part "what the?" Slaughter certainly develops twisted characters and keeps you on the edge of your seat until the final page. Her southern references also gave her a boost in my book.
5. All the Light We Cannot See (Anthony Doerr) - While historical fiction is typically not my jam, this story was written so beautifully that it has become one I instantly recommend to others as a must-read from this year. A blind French girl crosses paths with a German orphan during WWII, and their journeys meld in a beautiful way. The prose was stunning and the images invoked clear. There's a reason this won the Pulitzer.
6. Commonwealth (Ann Patchett) - How much does one chance encounter shape the paths of 2 families forever? We see how one poor choice at a christening BBQ alters the lives of multiple people for years to come. Multiple perspectives, a tinge of coming-of-age, and emotionally complex characters gave this book more depth than one would think. I promise it's not as raunchy as it sounds. 
7. Adopted for Life (Russell Moore) - Oh, how I wish I had read this book while we were on our adoption journey. It had been recommended by several friends, but I kept putting it off. I feel like I would've saved myself a lot of heartache during the waiting period had I read this first. If you don't know the premise, Moore (an adoptive father himself & president of the public policy section of the Southern Baptist Convention) implores church members to make adoption and orphan care a priority. If your life is in any way touched by adoption, please do yourself and your loved ones a favor and read this wonderful book.
8. Love & Other Consolation Prizes (Jamie Ford) - A touch of the Orphan Train, a touch of Asian flair, a touch of boarding school is the best way to sum this one up. Ernest is a young boy who is sold to the highest bidder at the World's Fair and we see how his life plays out as a result. With alternating times of his days working as a young boy and his adult life, we learn how he was shaped as a teenager because of his "purchase" at the fair. The characters are real, deep, & relatable.
9. In Twenty Years (Allison Winn Scotch) - When 6 college friends share a house at Penn, they think they will be friends forever. But when their "glue" Bea passes away earlier than many expected, they find that they can't really be the friends they thought they were. We learn who they have become twenty years later as she had asked them all to reconvene on the twentieth anniversary of her passing. If you know my love of coming-of-age tales, you know I was a happy camper with this one. 
10. The Sound of Gravel (Ruth Wariner) - Two words: polygamist escape. That's really all you need to know to know that I was over the moon.

I hope you found something in this list that inspires you to pick up a boom or a pair of headphones. 

fear the beard

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5

"You turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent." - Psalm 30:11

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." - Psalm 119:28

A year ago, my soul was weary with sorrow. We were barely 4 months into the waiting, and I felt like I could only fake it so much. Yes, there were days that were indeed blessed - those days when we could sleep in and sip on an entire pot of coffee if we so desired, the days we spontaneously decided to drive to Tuscaloosa for a ball game, those nights when we could sleep all the way through without worries about whether or not the monitor is actually working. But there were also the days when each not now, no, or even package in the mail could send me into a temporary depression. There were days when I could barely pull myself out of bed for the weight of it all. 

While we waited, I originally had a whim of growing out my hair (it was the year of the #manbun; don't judge) while we waited to meet our child. If you know we very well, you know how nuts I go when the first hair touches my ears between cuts. Considering the length of time that we could have potentially been waiting, I knew this was not feasible. I wanted an outward expression of the journey we were on, but I wasn't sure exactly what that looked like.

Our profile "went live" a few days before No Shave November, so I decided to do something I had never done before in my life with much success - grow a beard. I kept it trimmed up every month or so, but I had a nice beard on April 11 when we got "the call" that I will never forget. That night when I got home, I shaved it clean and posted a picture with a caption about it being time for a change or something like that. There were a few people who knew the real reason why.

Flash forward to the anniversary of the waiting - the end of October 2016. I had a 6 month old at home who was a clear reminder of the mourning that had been turned into dancing. In scripture, those who were in mourning often wept, tore their clothes, and shaved their heads. I wanted the antithesis of that and proof of my God's faithfulness. So I decided to regrow the beard. This year, I decided not to trim it but to just let it do its thing. It's gotten pretty intense to say the least. Someone jokingly referred to it as a "chunk of love" last week. 

Barring anything bizarre, I will grow this chunk until April 14, our family's gotcha day. I will look in the mirror and be reminded of the faithfulness of our God, the way he brought joy in the morning and turned our weeping into joy. I will forever share the story of how great our God is, and I will use anything I can to do that - even if that's just a beard.

dream

If you had told me 10 years ago that my life would look the way it does today, I would've recommended we find you the nearest mental hospital. Had you told me even 5 years ago, I probably would've looked at you strangely. It's interesting how the picture we get of our lives in our teens and early 20s isn't always the picture God has planned for us. Please don't mishear me; I believe very firmly in the plan God has for my family & that we have taken the steps that follow his will. I just didn't necessarily picture my life the way it is today. And I couldn't be more thankful for that first step of faith.

For lack of a better description, I went to school for 13 years in a very white school. I worked there through college & taught there for the first 5 years of my career. When my wife & I decided to move to a new locale, the first school I taught in was pretty much the antithesis of that. I could not be more grateful for that school & the people I encountered there. Something I have come to realize is that my 2 years there educated my heart. The Lord opened my eyes to pictures of love beyond what I had experienced. 

I learned how to open myself up, to see with my heart, & to be thankful for students who wanted to learn. My time there, sadly, opened my eyes to extreme injustices in society and the "haves" versus the "have-nots," and this epidemic started even at the central office level. This is something that occurs in every single school system, in every single city, in every single state in this great country of ours. Sadly, there is a great divide of possessions and status that is at times centered on the color of one's skin. 

Please focus on the at times part of that; this is in no way a definitive statement. It's just the reality of our world. Despite the grand dreams that Dr. King had that we would one day live in a world where his children would not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character, I don't think we are in that place as a nation. Do I think we have made strides? Most certainly. But we have a long way to go.

I have a dream as well. I have a dream that my little boy will grow up in a country where people see his smile and his love for Jesus before they see anything else. I have a dream that he will do great things for the kingdom of heaven in his lifetime without others noticing he doesn't look like them. I have a dream that he will be known for his impact on future generations, not the story of his journey to our family. I have a dream that he will speak up for injustices that he sees instead of becoming a silent observer. 

On this day in which we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King and his impact on society, I am thankful that there was a man who worked tirelessly to shed light on the way individuals are mistreated based on their exterior. I pray that the way my family has been formed will change the hearts of others and bring glory to our Father. And I pray that we continue to make progress toward truly accepting our brothers and sisters for who they are, regardless of the differences we have.

2016

This year was a crazy one to say the least: new baby, new school, new responsibilities. Somehow I managed to read & listen to 79 books this year; I'm 80% complete on book 80, & I hope to finish listening to it before Saturday. I am thankful for mornings before work & long runs with my boy to listen to most of these. Because I don't have the time or patience to compile a #1 - 80 ranking, I compiled a Top 5 for fiction & non-fiction & a Bottom 5 across genres for the year. Each title is linked to its Amazon listing (technically, it's Amazon Smile that benefits our adoption agency - if you don't do Smile, you should.)

Top 5 Fiction
1. Modern Lovers by Emma Straub. We follow three college best friends as they age, and we see the repercussions of their actions across time. Strobe writes with a clear voice and created interesting characters who intertwined beautifully. 
2. Orphan #8 by Kim van Alkemade. A nurse who was once an orphan in a "medical test trial" orphanage has the chance to affect the last days of the doctor who made her life miserable in her early years. This one truly made me think about the effects of vengeance and bitterness over time.
3. Don't You Cry, Pretty Baby, & The Good Girl by Mary Kubica. Yes, I know this is 3 books, but I couldn't outrank one of these over the other. Kubica can spin a twisted tale - of mistaken identity, psychosis, & kidnapping - but be sure to have your dictionary handy; she loves big words. 
4. Lost and Found by Brooke Davis. An enjoyable tale of two crazy elderly folks and a young girl. I found the old lady to be delightfully tacky and brazen in an endearing way. It was a quick listen & a nice pick-me-up at a down time in the year for me.
5. The Nest by Cynthia d'Aprix Sweeney. A slight coming-of-age-ish tale about adult siblings and how their parents' actions & their actions all throughout life affected their current states of being. While the middle was very draggy for me and could have used some edits, it was a beautifully written work. 

Top 5 Non-Fiction
1. The Run of His Life: The People v. O.J. Simpson by Jeffrey Toobin. This was the book that the FX series American Crime Story was based on. Meticulously researched and well-written, this doozy of a read consumed my life for nearly a month.
2. Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology by Leah Remini. I am fascinated by occult culture (think FLDS) and escape stories. Remini is a hoot and a half, and learning about the truth behind this "church" was eye-opening. Her TV series that is currently on A&E is equally fascinating. 
3. First Women: The Grace and Power of America's Modern First Ladies by Kate Andersen. I will unashamedly admit that I love the Bush family - particularly Barbara & H.W. I loved this inside look at the lives inside the White House and the ladies who made it run. The author has also written another book about the life of "the help" at the White House that is on my radar.
4. A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold. This heartbreaking mother's look at one of the Columbine killers was fascinating and sobering all at once. As an adolescent at the time of the shootings, this was intriguing. As a father, it was terrifying to realize that we can seemingly do all the "right" things, but we cannot control our children.
5. Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys by Stephen James & David Thomas. In case you weren't aware, I am not a macho man. Raising a son can at times be terrifying for a guy who doesn't know all the "guy" things. I loved this practical look at the stages of boys and their mindsets and what we as parents and educators can do to help them become successful, productive men. 

Bottom 5 (All Fiction)
1. The Girls by Emma Cline. I just don't get the hype y'all. This was terribly terribly inappropriate. And not at all what I was expecting. I can't fully describe how uncomfortable this made me feel. 
2. 2 AM at the Cat's Pajamas by Marie-Helen Bertino. I'm still not sure if there were critters or humans involved in this one. Just weird all the way around.
3. The Children's Crusade by Ann Packer. This was truly a lesson in judging a book by its cover art. I loved the cover of the audiobook, and it sounded very much like a coming-of-age tale, but the characters were so static. And that made me sad.
4. The Versions of Us by Laura Barnett. While this did inspire another post on this blog, the book did not deliver in the way the synopsis promised. The premise was looking at how version A of my life might intersect with version C of your life and how that could alter history. It was very lengthy and not at all exciting. 
5. The Giver by Lois Lowry. I understand that this is a classic, but I did not enjoy it at all. The infanticide and the overall subject matter confuse me as to how it is considered children's literature. 

Maybe you agree with me on some and disagree on others, and that's ok! I hope this inspires you to think outside your traditional box of reading. Here's to 2017, y'all!

he provides

Dear Parent-in-Waiting,

I see you. I know where you've been. I know the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the tears, the loneliness. I know the sleepless nights, the journal entries, the activities you take part in to fake yourself out. I know the uncomfortable feeling you get at holidays when mostly well-intentioned people ask when a baby is coming. I know the frequent trips to a quiet corner at family gatherings to wipe your eyes away from everyone. I know the fake smile you plaster on because it's what you do at Christmas - even if it truly is your favorite holiday. 

I know because I walked that road. You see that man? He was faking his way through Christmas a year ago because it's what he was supposed to do. I remember last Christmas as a very dark time in my life internally. About a year ago while we were visiting my family for Christmas in my hometown, we got an email alert from our social worker. We received an info summary on a baby girl who had already been born. Immediately our minds went to the joy of being able to surprise our family with a new baby at the Christmas gathering. We said yes. And then the agonizing wait began. We even used some time on our Christmas break from school to research nursery organization and think of ways we could make the space unique. 

We were getting ready for Christmas Eve candlelight service at church when we got the dreaded "she chose another family" email. While we rejoiced for this life and this baby girl's future, we grieved for the loss in our own hearts. And then we had to pretend to have it together in under 15 minutes because it was church time and that's what we do. The second song we sang that afternoon was "Away in a Manger." I sobbed my way through it so badly that I am genuinely shocked an usher didn't ask to take me to the prayer room. 

When we got home that night, we read scripture - through a cloud of tears - about joy and reminded ourselves that our joy was internal and eternal.

The next day at our family Christmas gathering, we were surprised with gifts for the baby we hadn't even met yet. Needless to say, there were tears galore. In the moment, I realized how blessed we are to have a family who was loving and caring for the baby that we didn't know yet but had prayed fervently for for years. I realized how much I had missed in that Christmas season because I was so caught up in my own sorrow and heartache. But the Lord began to restore my heart and remove my sorrow. And now, I am preparing to celebrate my first Christmas as a Dada.

Wherever you are - waiting for a match through adoption, waiting for a court date, waiting for just one positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy - know that the Lord sees your sorrow and knows your heart. He will provide in His time and His plan. He will provide just what you need when He knows you need it. We may not always like that time aspect, but He has written the entire book that we are only reading sentence by sentence. Remember that you have friends who will stand in the gap for you, a family who loves you, and a God who provides for you. 

May your future Christmases exceed your wildest dreams.