it's all about you

     Some times, God can use the seemingly darkest times in your life to either bring glory to his name or to show you a truth you've been needing to learn. I've been struggling with my anxiety a great deal these past few months. I've written in my journal a lot, I've talked to counselors, I've run my chubby little legs off, I've scrubbed the house clean from top to bottom, I've ironed mountains of clothes, I've lost myself in the world of books, I've organized and reorganized my planners. While some of these are outlets that are necessary to keep my sanity, some of them are simply escape tactics - things I'm doing to avoid the issue at hand. 
     You see, I've had a lot of doubt about being good enough lately - a good enough son, husband, teacher, friend, runner, person in general. I worry so much about whether or not I'm doing what I need to in my marriage to strengthen it before we really get into the home study portion of our adoption. I then find myself closed off from my wife simply because I'm so afraid of saying that one thing that will send things toppling into the abyss. It has gotten to the point of borderline depression these past few days - affecting everything from my brain function to my runs that I cut short simply from lethargy. 
     I was so consumed with this fear and doubt last night that I could do nothing but cry as I tried to fall asleep. I then began experiencing more anxiety about seeing people - not anyone in particular, just people - at church. My thought process was "These people are going to ask how I'm doing, and I'm not doing fine. (Sidebar: If being a "readable" person were an Olympic event, I would be a gold medalist. I can't hide my emotions if I tried!) They're not going to have time to listen to my drama nor do they care." Do you see how asinine this thinking pattern was? I was telling myself that I couldn't even go to church for comfort from what was eating me alive. That makes zero point zero sense. If I can't go to God's house and be comforted by fellow believers, where can I go? I realized this morning that all of this was just Satan trying to get me down so I would stay home today, but I'm glad I didn't.
     After the first song ended, I heard plainly in my spirit, "It's not about you." Well if that didn't just hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was consumed - literally consumed to the point of only thinking about this one thing - with my problem that I couldn't even see past what was right in front of me. In our most recent counseling session for our adoption, I learned that my attachment style would be classified as avoidant-dismissive, meaning I'm typically closed off from others, self-sufficient, and lack genuine emotional connection with others. The good news is, God's not through with me yet and I can work toward becoming a more secure adult by giving care, receiving care, negotiating my needs, and remaining autonomous (pretty sure I have the first and last one down pat!). As I sat on the counselor's couch, I began weeping because for the first time in this entire process I realized my purpose. I, just like all of you, am a broken individual. Our precious baby who we pray for every day will be a broken individual who will need a father to lead him from brokenness and show him exactly what secure looks like. It's as if I finally realized that my brokenness had a purpose. It was a true breakthrough. Now, I realize that even when I reach that point of security, I won't always be 100% on all points of it, but I know what it looks like and what I need to do to get there. None of this is about me. My insecurities, my anxiety, my selfish desires. It's all about Christ and showing His love and mercy to those around us.  
     Since my moment in church I've been singing a precious song I remember singing in chapel band in high school called "Jesus, Lover of My Soul." It's not the popular Hillsong version, but instead has a verse that says "It's all about you, Jesus. And all this is for you, for your glory and your fame. It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God, and I surrender to your ways." It's a beautiful song that we actually recorded as part of our album we put out that year (Gosh we were so daggum cool!), and I was hoping to find my copy of it to share but couldn't. You can instead click here to listen to it on YouTube...apologies that I couldn't find a video recording and had to settle on this lovely lyric video. I pray that every day I keep this song playing in my heart, because it's truly not about me.