answers

I love answers. My classroom is built primarily on questions and answers. I love true-to-life stories and audiobooks that explain the answers and the details about a scenario. In high school, I (read, my parents) bought the solutions manuals for my math and physics textbooks on ebay. I was always that kid that if I saw the answer, I knew how to get there. If I saw the path illuminated for me, I knew which way to turn. Funny how even as an adult, I want that same accommodation. 

We got another info summary last week. And man, was this one perfect. Baby boy was already born, was in state (no travel!), and the withdrawal period for relinquishment had already ended, so none of those “what if”s were creeping in. She had already chosen a name that we were ok with. We both had a “feeling” that this was it. We even saw that name on a billboard while “Do It Again” played on the radio. I mean, could there BE any more signs? I thought all of the signposts were pointing us right here. And then we got another one of those beloved “she chose another family” emails this week.

I would be lying if I said it gets easier over time because it doesn’t. You just learn to adapt and deal as time progresses. Or maybe you learn how to cope. Through an act of providence, I decided not to run Monday morning before work so I could run in the sunshine when I got home. The email pinged at 3:31, right as I was getting ready to go change to run. I was able to clear my head during that time. Rebekah had texted me to ask how I was, and I responded that I was sad but not distraught and that I ultimately wanted the Lord’s will for our family.

All along I have prayed for the next child who comes into our home to be a good fit for our family and for him or her to bring glory to God. For reasons that I may never know, these two boys were evidently not the right fit for us. And I have to accept that. The Lord has never ever ever been surprised by our circumstances. He orchestrated them all. 

When we were recapping our days last night, I told Rebekah that I wish I had the answers. In the moment I wished that someone would just read me the story of my life, tell me what to do, and that I would just be a passive participant in my life. But where is the beauty there? Where is the growth? When would we draw closer to Him if we already knew the outcome? 

How much longer do we continue on this path? How long is too long to create space between siblings? Are we even supposed to be doing this still? Did we just mishear the Lord and this is his way of telling us that HWD is to be an only, despite the fact that neither of us has ever wanted to be the parent of an OC? 

I know this: the Lord is for me, He has ordered the steps of my life, and He sustains me. And right now, that is enough. I do not know how anyone goes through life without Jesus. He is the only way I somewhat make it through this life.