Well, y'all. This is it. Our last few hours of just the two of us. In fewer than 12 hours, we will officially be a party of 3. I get to meet my SON this afternoon! And of course, it's 3:00 am, and I am wide awake with anticipation. So I do what any normal over-sharer does - go to the nursery and blog while praying my phone restore will cause it to suddenly be able to find a signal. {Update: It worked. Hallelu! Can you imagine me without a GPS?} This is real life.
Let me rewind this. At the end of October, our profile went live, and then the reality and fear of waiting set in. No after no after no. But then God. While on our way to celebrate our 4th anniversary (which was exactly a year from the day on which we began this journey), we received an info summary on a birth mother. R was reading the information to me as I drove, and as soon as we got to dinner, I prayed over us before we got out of the car. I felt God stirring in my soul, asking, "Do you trust me completely?" After further prayer & discussion, we agreed to show our profile. Looking back, I realize that I was not as anxious in the waiting with this particular birth mother as I had been in the past.
Fast forward through the weekend to a Monday that started like any other in which the calendar in the kitchen was chocked full of events. I had gotten home from work and was putting away dishes when my phone rang, and it was R. At first her words of "It's us!" confused me, since she was babysitting, and I had a thought that she was calling me with the kids in the background to sing or something (don't ask - I have no justification for this thought process now). When I asked what she meant, she simply replied, "She chose US!" Cue tears upon tears upon tears. Picture D in his fat pants, sliding down the wall rejoicing that our prayers were being answered. Driving to family dinner, I began calling my inner circle & sending frantic "please call me when you can" texts (at red lights of course, because safety) to follow-up the voicemails that followed the missed calls. My favorite reaction was one of our dearest friends whose voice got higher and higher with each word she spoke/screamed. It was truly fantastic.
We had to keep the news under wraps for a short time and could only tell the people who had to know - our families, close friends who had been praying with us earnestly, our supervisors at work. While I wanted to shout from the rooftops our good news, I knew that I could not because of the legal process. We began receiving more information from our social worker & making our plans to travel out of state. I am grateful for an awesome school district who granted me a mini baby leave for travel, bonding, & settling. I am thankful for administrators who have loved on us & who held candid conversations about the gospel with me that really did my heart good. I am thankful for my wife's school who will allow her to return to the classroom in the fall.
In the past 60 hours, our washer has seen more cycles of sanitize than in the entire 7 years it's been used. We've run errands and met up with friends who had goodies for us. We've packed and overpacked - and shockingly enough, edited some of the packed items. We've written our final payment check to the adoption agency (#debtfree). We've received an overflow of love and support from our friends and family - sentimental books with inscriptions that made me cry, bottles from friends who had plenty and knew we only had 5, diapers and wipes, onesies that are so cute I just squeal when I look at them, money to help with travel expenses as we will be out of state for a time, prayers, prayers, prayers, shoulders to lean on, and so much more. We've gotten car seats installed (spoiler alert - neither as easy as it looks nor as complicated as it was in the '80s). We've packed our diaper bags, which may or may not have caused a mini-meltdown on my behalf ("I have no idea what I'm doing, and storing things in nooks & crannies is my thing!"). Oddly, we haven't cleaned the house or ironed, two of my favorite chores; I have already said I wouldn't be ashamed or offended to pass these off to anyone who offered.
We have rejoiced over God's goodness, his provision, & his timing. Guys, we shouldn't be able to adopt debt free. But God. Every single time we needed funds, he provided. Every single time we needed comfort after a broken experience, he sent a reminder of his love for us. Every time I've gotten outside of my head and stopped listening to his heart, he has brought peace. He provided a child within a year of our filing date - an anomaly in the adoption world.
He provided so many reminders of the perfection of his timing. We received information on this baby on our anniversary. We celebrated the traditional anniversary gift of fruit by planting an apple tree in the backyard over spring break. We later discovered that we planted it ON our baby's birth day and were basically making the final purchase when he was born. I get chills every time I think of that and the way God sent a reminder that he is faithful to fulfill his promises to us.
There are so many details I want to share with you all, but I cannot at this time. When he is officially ours in our home state, know that your news feeds will be blown up with pictures and stories of this precious gift (someone remind me I used that phrase when I'm covered in puke & cleaning up a blowout diaper!). Here are some specific things you can join with us in prayer over: 1. That our ICPC packet will clear before Friday, 4/22, so that we can all return home together as a family of 3. 2. Safe travels for us today and for my in-laws as they bring the camper for us to stay in. 3. Restful time of bonding with our baby & adjust to life as the three of us.
I cannot wait to see where God takes this little one & the way that he has received & will continue to receive all the glory. May the decisions we make and the way we raise our son be indicative of his love for us & the way that he chose to adopt us into HIS family. Friends, this has been a crazy ride, but I have a feeling that that was just the first loop around the track. Thank you for your support & prayer. And thank you for reading the random ramblings from my heart.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Thursday, March 31, 2016
parisian papa
I have a confession. I love parenting books. Like love love them. You're right, i don't have kids yet. But as we could literally be matched any day now, I want to be prepared. One of the weirdest things about adoption is that we don't get a typical 9-month gestation period. Next week will mark a year since filing our application. That's a long time to wait, but we also know that this is not atypical for adoptive families. Since it gives us a good bit of time to prepare, sometimes the nesting comes in phases - oooh, let's organize all the things today, rearrange the closet next week, but then not touch it for a couple of months lest I have a meltdown. It's really weird, y'all.
In the meantime, I am trying to do as much research before hand as possible. I realize that there is no one-size-fits-all method to parenting, and I am aware that even within the same family, different children have to be parented differently. With that being said, I think it's wise to have a quiver full of strategies that I can employ when needed. Here comes Pamela Druckerman's Bringing up Bebe. The Mrs. had read this last summer and told me how much I would enjoy it, so it had been on my radar for a while. Thanks to an amazon card, i finally decided to take the plunge and purchase this one - a rarity around here. The linked version has been expanded & updated to included Bebe Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting, which can be purchased separately if you desire.
Druckerman is a US journalist who was eventually stationed outside of Paris, fell in love, and the rest is history. While pregnant with her first child, she began noticing how not unpleasant the children in France were in comparison to children "back home." Intrigued, she placed a notebook in her diaper bag and began taking notes everywhere & interviewing the mothers she encountered on what worked for them and what didn't.
There are some things that make French childcare very different from American childcare. Chiefly, there are numerous government-subsidized "day cares" of sorts called creches, in which mothers begin petitioning for placement as early as 3 months into their pregnancies. Children then go to free government preschools until they are school age. The caregivers at these schools are revered, trained well (only 30 of 500 who take the initial test to be admitted into the program are accepted for the year-long certification process), and excellent at what they do. The focus during these early years is not academics - children will learn to read in elementary school - but basic socialization, manners, and general life skills. For the French, earlier is not always better. They are perfectly fine with a 5-year-old not reading as long as he or she understands the basic cadre (framework) of the home and is generally polite to adults (hello, goodbye, looking in the eye, etc.). Another startling difference is the maternity leave available - 3 months PAID. We all know, especially in this election cycle, how behind the US is in terms of family leave at a birth, but this gap was startling.
In terms of core values, the French value independent children who are self-sufficient at an early age as opposed to the smother mothers, helicopter parents, and newly-dubbed lawnmower parents we often see in America today. The author cites her amazement when, one morning while she is ill, her 6-year-old happily and without direction prepares breakfast for the family, "but you have to do the coffee." French parents realize that one day, their precious ones will leave the nest and will need to be able to survive without them; they are merely starting the prep work early. They also believe that it is good for children to learn patience and how to occupy themselves when bored. They shouldn't always get what they want when they want (parents abide by a few firm "no" responses with freedom given in the small details) nor should they be constantly engaged. They believe that a little boredom teaches self-sufficiency and ultimately perseverance.
Another startling difference is how early French children "do their nights," meaning sleep through the night. Parents believe that it can be harmful to go in and rescue a child who is sleeping every time he or she whimpers in the night, so they recommend observing the child and knowing the specific cries (namely, the one meaning, "Oops I crapped my pants!") so you can respond accordingly. Like adults, babies sleep in cycles, and they sometimes stir in between those cycles; if parents run in to rescue them each time they stir, they will never learn to connect those on their own. The French also argue that it's ok for a baby to be hungry at night, as adults often wake up hungry in the night before returning to sleep. They believe that babies should eat, like adults, at meal time primarily with no snacking in between. Pediatricians will recommend the "cry it out" method if a baby still isn't "doing his nights" by four months old.
The French believe firmly in the idea of "adult time" at night. Their children are expected to go to bed or away from the family room so parents can enjoy each other alone. They also make sure that their dens are distinctly separate from the play room; this isn't an area for toys to lie in wait. The demarcation they create allows the child to make the distinction between adult time and parent time. Essentially, it is a life of balance - parent, spouse, employee. Most studies and reports indicate that French adults are more stable, more secure, and more confident than their American counterparts.
Say what you will about the French and their stuck-up reputations. They have several things figured out in the realm of parenting. If our mission as parents is creating independent humans, I think we can learn a lot from the French ideal.
In the meantime, I am trying to do as much research before hand as possible. I realize that there is no one-size-fits-all method to parenting, and I am aware that even within the same family, different children have to be parented differently. With that being said, I think it's wise to have a quiver full of strategies that I can employ when needed. Here comes Pamela Druckerman's Bringing up Bebe. The Mrs. had read this last summer and told me how much I would enjoy it, so it had been on my radar for a while. Thanks to an amazon card, i finally decided to take the plunge and purchase this one - a rarity around here. The linked version has been expanded & updated to included Bebe Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting, which can be purchased separately if you desire.
Druckerman is a US journalist who was eventually stationed outside of Paris, fell in love, and the rest is history. While pregnant with her first child, she began noticing how not unpleasant the children in France were in comparison to children "back home." Intrigued, she placed a notebook in her diaper bag and began taking notes everywhere & interviewing the mothers she encountered on what worked for them and what didn't.
There are some things that make French childcare very different from American childcare. Chiefly, there are numerous government-subsidized "day cares" of sorts called creches, in which mothers begin petitioning for placement as early as 3 months into their pregnancies. Children then go to free government preschools until they are school age. The caregivers at these schools are revered, trained well (only 30 of 500 who take the initial test to be admitted into the program are accepted for the year-long certification process), and excellent at what they do. The focus during these early years is not academics - children will learn to read in elementary school - but basic socialization, manners, and general life skills. For the French, earlier is not always better. They are perfectly fine with a 5-year-old not reading as long as he or she understands the basic cadre (framework) of the home and is generally polite to adults (hello, goodbye, looking in the eye, etc.). Another startling difference is the maternity leave available - 3 months PAID. We all know, especially in this election cycle, how behind the US is in terms of family leave at a birth, but this gap was startling.
In terms of core values, the French value independent children who are self-sufficient at an early age as opposed to the smother mothers, helicopter parents, and newly-dubbed lawnmower parents we often see in America today. The author cites her amazement when, one morning while she is ill, her 6-year-old happily and without direction prepares breakfast for the family, "but you have to do the coffee." French parents realize that one day, their precious ones will leave the nest and will need to be able to survive without them; they are merely starting the prep work early. They also believe that it is good for children to learn patience and how to occupy themselves when bored. They shouldn't always get what they want when they want (parents abide by a few firm "no" responses with freedom given in the small details) nor should they be constantly engaged. They believe that a little boredom teaches self-sufficiency and ultimately perseverance.
Another startling difference is how early French children "do their nights," meaning sleep through the night. Parents believe that it can be harmful to go in and rescue a child who is sleeping every time he or she whimpers in the night, so they recommend observing the child and knowing the specific cries (namely, the one meaning, "Oops I crapped my pants!") so you can respond accordingly. Like adults, babies sleep in cycles, and they sometimes stir in between those cycles; if parents run in to rescue them each time they stir, they will never learn to connect those on their own. The French also argue that it's ok for a baby to be hungry at night, as adults often wake up hungry in the night before returning to sleep. They believe that babies should eat, like adults, at meal time primarily with no snacking in between. Pediatricians will recommend the "cry it out" method if a baby still isn't "doing his nights" by four months old.
The French believe firmly in the idea of "adult time" at night. Their children are expected to go to bed or away from the family room so parents can enjoy each other alone. They also make sure that their dens are distinctly separate from the play room; this isn't an area for toys to lie in wait. The demarcation they create allows the child to make the distinction between adult time and parent time. Essentially, it is a life of balance - parent, spouse, employee. Most studies and reports indicate that French adults are more stable, more secure, and more confident than their American counterparts.
Say what you will about the French and their stuck-up reputations. They have several things figured out in the realm of parenting. If our mission as parents is creating independent humans, I think we can learn a lot from the French ideal.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
top twenty
Y'all, adulating it so.very.tough. If I were to go back and tell fat baby Derek anything, it would be, "Slow down! Enjoy all this!" There are just so many responsibilities, places to be, things to do. Throw in a marriage, a semblance of having adult-y relationships, and trying to keep your own bucket full - or at least not bone-dry - and there are some things that get neglected. Namely, blogging. I've read - and listened - a lot this year. 20 so far in 2016, which is far beyond what I expected. So rather than do 20 individual posts - because all 5 of you don't need that much reading material - I decided to do a ranking of what I've read with my thoughts on each. As always, I've linked each work to its Amazon listing. Be sure to check out #readdoopsread2016 for "play-by-play" updates into our reading for the year.
1. Run of His Life - Jeffrey Toobin. If you haven't been living under a rock, you know how much this season of American Crime Story has overtaken pop culture. If you pay attention to the opening credits, you'll see this book cited as the basis for this season. I remember being enthralled with this case as an 8-year-old, despite the fact that I didn't understand the implications of it all. Toobin, a Harvard Law grad who covered the case when it happened, does a phenomenal job of explaining the ins and outs of this landmark case. But it is not for the faint of heart. At 450 pages of tiny, single-spaced print, this one took me 3 weeks. Worth every second.
2. Reconstructing Amelia - Kimberly McCreight. I have a confession. I have a slight obsession with tales set in high-school. Maybe it's my profession, but there is something weirdly interesting about the intricacies of the social circles of that age. We find a tale of girl gangs, hatred, seeds of gossip being planted, and the ultimate price that the victims pay when the mean girls win. Woven with insight into the group, flashbacks, and sadly accurate dialogue, this one was heartbreakingly wonderful.
3. A Man Called Ove - Fredrik Backman. At the recommendation of one of my most trusted book nerds, I gave this one a whirl. I can't fully say how glad I am that I did. I laughed, I identified with sad Ove, and I wept at the end. Ove is the man who we all fear we will become in some ways yet deeply admire for other reasons. My biggest complaint was the inconsistency of the language - I'm an admitted snob about what I call "beautiful prose" - but I have to remind myself this was translated form Swedish. If you have yet to read this, add it to your list today.
4. The Good Girl - Mary Kubica. While at first, I was billing this as Gone Girl: Lite, I eventually changed my tune. In a classic he said-she said back and forth, we are taken on a whirlwind of an abduction case. I will say, since the abducted is held in a cabin in the woods, that I don't recommend that you read it while in a cabin in a secluded town. Not that I know anyone who did that. Just a warning. An exceptionally written thriller with one heck of an epilogue.
5. After You - Jojo Moyes. A beautifully written sequel to Me Before You, so read that first if you want this to make sense. Moyes explores what it really feels like to move on after a tragedy while also investigating the way people get treated by others following the event. Also, this was not nearly as wrecking as its predecessor. I managed to not weep my eyes dry with this one.
6. Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng. When the middle child of an immigrant family goes missing and is eventually found dead, the effects of the trauma are far reaching. Ng expertly weaves a tale that shows how a tragedy can effect each family member differently. With flashbacks and chapters that focus on different family members throughout, she keeps the reader engaged.
7. Orphan #8 - Kim van Alkemade. When a young girl in 1920s New York is sent to a Hebrew home for orphans and is subjected to rounds of medical tests that alter her life permanently, she has a chance at redemption when she becomes a nurse. When the doctor who performed these experiments on her is suddenly her patient 30 years later, she has the ultimate decision to make in light of revenge or forgiveness. While I'm not typically into historical fiction or any work of fiction that isn't considered "modern" in my book, I really enjoyed the places that this book took the reader in location and in spirit.
8. More than Happy - Serena Miller. I'm a hippy at heart. Homemade, voodoo oils, crunchy granola, cloth diapering - these are my bread and butter. One of my great friends recommended this on the premise that my wife & I would get a lot out of it. While we are still waiting to be matched with our baby, I think it's never too soon to begin researching parenting strategies. The Amish have a lot of wisdom in the way they go about raising their children. They believe in the importance of a familial infrastructure, instilling respect and values from day one, and that less is more. I will purchase this book for my personal library. And that is a huge deal.
9. Sounds Like Me - Sara Bareilles. I love me some Sara B. I own all of her albums and have seen her live, a memory that I will always cherish because I remember how delightfully real she was on that stage. And she is supremely talented. Sara (whose last name always requires a google visit before typing) takes us on a journey of her life so far, backed by the lyrics of her songs and telling what they meant to her at the time. I heard her throughout and was left thankful for all she has done for music. (Side bar - if you follow one celebrity on twitter, it needs to be her.)
10. Before He Finds Her - Michael Kardos. Any time an audio reader tries accents from backwoods West Virginia, I chuckle. I chuckled profusely at times. The basic premise lies in a young girl who escaped 15 years ago when her father murdered her mother. He was never found, and she entered "witness protection" with her aunt and uncle, her only living relatives. While living in constant fear that he will find her, she could never attend school, have her photo taken, or have much contact with the outside world. When she learns she is pregnant, she wants to find her father so she can make peace with her past. What she finds in the process makes her question everything she has ever believed as truth. While it was billed as a thriller, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe "kiddie coaster" would suffice.
11. The Inner Circle - Brad Meltzer. The wife & I discovered the 3rd book in this trilogy at the end of last year and read it on a road trip. It was excellent, so we picked up with the beginning. It's essentially a fictional take on what I think is a not-so-fictional secret society that controls the presidency. Meltzer is a gifted story-teller, and he knows his history; it is evident here.
12. The Fifth Assassin - Brad Metlzer. See above.
13. The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith. JK. It's JK Rowling. Cormoran Strike is the British Alex Cross minus the good looks. An overweight amputee injured in Afghanistan, he is now a private investigator. In the initial book of the series, he is investigating the alleged suicide of a supermodel, affectionately known as Cuckoo. Personally, I don't think the series would be as successful were Jo's name not attached to it. It's decent as a crime novel type series, but I am not obsessed with it in the way I am with Potter. Also, Jo has a potty mouth we never knew existed.
14. Where We Belong - Hoda Kotb. I.heart.Hodawoman. Here, she tells the tales of various people - some famous, others not so much - who overcame obstacles to end up - you guessed it - where they belong. I listened to this one, which she read, so I enjoyed hearing her. It was not particularly thrilling or enlightening though.
15. The Position - Meg Wolitzer. Meg's The Interestings will forever be one of my top novels of all time, and I love the narratives she weaves. But this was kooky. The basic premise is that a progressive couple in the 70s writes a kamasutra of sorts and invents a new "position." When their children discover the book - which has illustrations of the couple - and read it, the impact is far-reaching for all of them and effects each of them differently. If you're even remotely a prude, steer clear of this one.
16. Killing Reagan - Bill O'Reilly. I love the Killing series. I love the research and insight that Bill brings to various assassinations in our history. But this one just fell flat for me. All I learned was that Ronald was a player in her early days and his kids were kinda nuts. Nancy is still a class act.
17. The Innocent Killer - Michael Griesbach. If you followed Making a Murderer on Netflix (I didn't, but I did catch the Dateline special), then you will appreciate this book written by one of the lead prosecutors in the case. The first half of the book focused on the wrongful rape conviction handed down to Stephen Avery, and Griesbach was outraged at the injustice in that case. In all honesty, I was too. In the latter portion of the book, he dives into the murder case around which the documentary centered. The evidence he presents in the book - and from what I've been told, he was one of the corrupt ones - points straight to Avery unfortunately. This was a quick read, but it was not fantastic. However, it was heartbreaking that our justice system is not in fact just.
18. How I Shed my Skin - Jim Grimsley. As an adoptive dad open to transracial adoption, I was hopeful that this would be a useful read. The author grew up in the racist south and learned to overcome the lessons that were ingrained in him from an early age. What I hoped I would get was an honest approach to the race issue that I could share with others in the future. What I got was a memoir about a man whose story I was not entirely excited to learn.
19. The Martian - Andy Weir. I wanted this one to be good. I read the hype. I listened to everyone talk it up. But it just did not deliver for me. I enjoyed the math bits, but the science talk was just too much. I wanted character growth, and I ultimately got depressed. Although the audiobook reader was fabulous at the NASA engineer's voice. And geez, the language was over the top.
20. The Children's Crusade - Ann Packer. I have a confession. I judge books by their covers. And I am a cover art snob. If it's pretty, I'm intrigued; if it's ugly, I don't even consider it. This cover art drew me in in some strange way. The book follows couple and their coming-of-age teenagers in San Francisco. I am obsessed with coming of age for some weird reason - maybe because I was a bit of a late bloomer myself? The book focused mainly on the effect of divorce on the couple's now-adult children. I spent a week listening to this, and frankly, I am angry that I can't have that week back. While discussing this one with a friend who had also read it, she said she desired more character growth as they were all very static. Few things are as unfortunate as a static person who isn't real.
I wish I could say this is the last time that I won't blog each book, but let's face it y'all, life is busy. Hope you'll still come back when I've blogged again.
1. Run of His Life - Jeffrey Toobin. If you haven't been living under a rock, you know how much this season of American Crime Story has overtaken pop culture. If you pay attention to the opening credits, you'll see this book cited as the basis for this season. I remember being enthralled with this case as an 8-year-old, despite the fact that I didn't understand the implications of it all. Toobin, a Harvard Law grad who covered the case when it happened, does a phenomenal job of explaining the ins and outs of this landmark case. But it is not for the faint of heart. At 450 pages of tiny, single-spaced print, this one took me 3 weeks. Worth every second.
2. Reconstructing Amelia - Kimberly McCreight. I have a confession. I have a slight obsession with tales set in high-school. Maybe it's my profession, but there is something weirdly interesting about the intricacies of the social circles of that age. We find a tale of girl gangs, hatred, seeds of gossip being planted, and the ultimate price that the victims pay when the mean girls win. Woven with insight into the group, flashbacks, and sadly accurate dialogue, this one was heartbreakingly wonderful.
3. A Man Called Ove - Fredrik Backman. At the recommendation of one of my most trusted book nerds, I gave this one a whirl. I can't fully say how glad I am that I did. I laughed, I identified with sad Ove, and I wept at the end. Ove is the man who we all fear we will become in some ways yet deeply admire for other reasons. My biggest complaint was the inconsistency of the language - I'm an admitted snob about what I call "beautiful prose" - but I have to remind myself this was translated form Swedish. If you have yet to read this, add it to your list today.
4. The Good Girl - Mary Kubica. While at first, I was billing this as Gone Girl: Lite, I eventually changed my tune. In a classic he said-she said back and forth, we are taken on a whirlwind of an abduction case. I will say, since the abducted is held in a cabin in the woods, that I don't recommend that you read it while in a cabin in a secluded town. Not that I know anyone who did that. Just a warning. An exceptionally written thriller with one heck of an epilogue.
5. After You - Jojo Moyes. A beautifully written sequel to Me Before You, so read that first if you want this to make sense. Moyes explores what it really feels like to move on after a tragedy while also investigating the way people get treated by others following the event. Also, this was not nearly as wrecking as its predecessor. I managed to not weep my eyes dry with this one.
6. Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng. When the middle child of an immigrant family goes missing and is eventually found dead, the effects of the trauma are far reaching. Ng expertly weaves a tale that shows how a tragedy can effect each family member differently. With flashbacks and chapters that focus on different family members throughout, she keeps the reader engaged.
7. Orphan #8 - Kim van Alkemade. When a young girl in 1920s New York is sent to a Hebrew home for orphans and is subjected to rounds of medical tests that alter her life permanently, she has a chance at redemption when she becomes a nurse. When the doctor who performed these experiments on her is suddenly her patient 30 years later, she has the ultimate decision to make in light of revenge or forgiveness. While I'm not typically into historical fiction or any work of fiction that isn't considered "modern" in my book, I really enjoyed the places that this book took the reader in location and in spirit.
8. More than Happy - Serena Miller. I'm a hippy at heart. Homemade, voodoo oils, crunchy granola, cloth diapering - these are my bread and butter. One of my great friends recommended this on the premise that my wife & I would get a lot out of it. While we are still waiting to be matched with our baby, I think it's never too soon to begin researching parenting strategies. The Amish have a lot of wisdom in the way they go about raising their children. They believe in the importance of a familial infrastructure, instilling respect and values from day one, and that less is more. I will purchase this book for my personal library. And that is a huge deal.
9. Sounds Like Me - Sara Bareilles. I love me some Sara B. I own all of her albums and have seen her live, a memory that I will always cherish because I remember how delightfully real she was on that stage. And she is supremely talented. Sara (whose last name always requires a google visit before typing) takes us on a journey of her life so far, backed by the lyrics of her songs and telling what they meant to her at the time. I heard her throughout and was left thankful for all she has done for music. (Side bar - if you follow one celebrity on twitter, it needs to be her.)
10. Before He Finds Her - Michael Kardos. Any time an audio reader tries accents from backwoods West Virginia, I chuckle. I chuckled profusely at times. The basic premise lies in a young girl who escaped 15 years ago when her father murdered her mother. He was never found, and she entered "witness protection" with her aunt and uncle, her only living relatives. While living in constant fear that he will find her, she could never attend school, have her photo taken, or have much contact with the outside world. When she learns she is pregnant, she wants to find her father so she can make peace with her past. What she finds in the process makes her question everything she has ever believed as truth. While it was billed as a thriller, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe "kiddie coaster" would suffice.
11. The Inner Circle - Brad Meltzer. The wife & I discovered the 3rd book in this trilogy at the end of last year and read it on a road trip. It was excellent, so we picked up with the beginning. It's essentially a fictional take on what I think is a not-so-fictional secret society that controls the presidency. Meltzer is a gifted story-teller, and he knows his history; it is evident here.
12. The Fifth Assassin - Brad Metlzer. See above.
13. The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith. JK. It's JK Rowling. Cormoran Strike is the British Alex Cross minus the good looks. An overweight amputee injured in Afghanistan, he is now a private investigator. In the initial book of the series, he is investigating the alleged suicide of a supermodel, affectionately known as Cuckoo. Personally, I don't think the series would be as successful were Jo's name not attached to it. It's decent as a crime novel type series, but I am not obsessed with it in the way I am with Potter. Also, Jo has a potty mouth we never knew existed.
14. Where We Belong - Hoda Kotb. I.heart.Hodawoman. Here, she tells the tales of various people - some famous, others not so much - who overcame obstacles to end up - you guessed it - where they belong. I listened to this one, which she read, so I enjoyed hearing her. It was not particularly thrilling or enlightening though.
15. The Position - Meg Wolitzer. Meg's The Interestings will forever be one of my top novels of all time, and I love the narratives she weaves. But this was kooky. The basic premise is that a progressive couple in the 70s writes a kamasutra of sorts and invents a new "position." When their children discover the book - which has illustrations of the couple - and read it, the impact is far-reaching for all of them and effects each of them differently. If you're even remotely a prude, steer clear of this one.
16. Killing Reagan - Bill O'Reilly. I love the Killing series. I love the research and insight that Bill brings to various assassinations in our history. But this one just fell flat for me. All I learned was that Ronald was a player in her early days and his kids were kinda nuts. Nancy is still a class act.
17. The Innocent Killer - Michael Griesbach. If you followed Making a Murderer on Netflix (I didn't, but I did catch the Dateline special), then you will appreciate this book written by one of the lead prosecutors in the case. The first half of the book focused on the wrongful rape conviction handed down to Stephen Avery, and Griesbach was outraged at the injustice in that case. In all honesty, I was too. In the latter portion of the book, he dives into the murder case around which the documentary centered. The evidence he presents in the book - and from what I've been told, he was one of the corrupt ones - points straight to Avery unfortunately. This was a quick read, but it was not fantastic. However, it was heartbreaking that our justice system is not in fact just.
18. How I Shed my Skin - Jim Grimsley. As an adoptive dad open to transracial adoption, I was hopeful that this would be a useful read. The author grew up in the racist south and learned to overcome the lessons that were ingrained in him from an early age. What I hoped I would get was an honest approach to the race issue that I could share with others in the future. What I got was a memoir about a man whose story I was not entirely excited to learn.
19. The Martian - Andy Weir. I wanted this one to be good. I read the hype. I listened to everyone talk it up. But it just did not deliver for me. I enjoyed the math bits, but the science talk was just too much. I wanted character growth, and I ultimately got depressed. Although the audiobook reader was fabulous at the NASA engineer's voice. And geez, the language was over the top.
20. The Children's Crusade - Ann Packer. I have a confession. I judge books by their covers. And I am a cover art snob. If it's pretty, I'm intrigued; if it's ugly, I don't even consider it. This cover art drew me in in some strange way. The book follows couple and their coming-of-age teenagers in San Francisco. I am obsessed with coming of age for some weird reason - maybe because I was a bit of a late bloomer myself? The book focused mainly on the effect of divorce on the couple's now-adult children. I spent a week listening to this, and frankly, I am angry that I can't have that week back. While discussing this one with a friend who had also read it, she said she desired more character growth as they were all very static. Few things are as unfortunate as a static person who isn't real.
I wish I could say this is the last time that I won't blog each book, but let's face it y'all, life is busy. Hope you'll still come back when I've blogged again.
Friday, January 1, 2016
top 5
Obviously, I love to read. Rebekah & I have enjoyed tracking all the books we have read the past couple of years through various hashtags. It's always interesting to go back at the end of the year and think through all the titles we've read and reminisce on what made some of this year's reads and listens truly extraordinary. Between the two of us, we amassed 90 titles this past calendar year - including 2 Potter, 3 LOTR, and many other long works, so that was quite an accomplishment considering all the other things we've experienced in 2015. Many people have asked us what our favorite recent books are (it has been said that people seek the Doops on advice for books, food, & fashion), so I decided to amass my list of the top 5 of 2015 plus a few more. If you're interested in viewing all the books we read, search out #doopsread2015 on instagram or facebook. Follow along in the new year with #readdoopsread2016!
My Top 5 are books I would read again at least once, maybe twice, and would probably watch a movie version if it were made. These are the books that I raved about and tell everyone to read. My Next 5 are those that I would read again and maybe see a movie. They were outstanding but not in the upper echelon of all that I read and heard. In a different year, they may have made the Top 5. My Bottom 5 are the books that I wished I hadn't even wasted my time on. They were either weird, sad, a waste of time, or a combination of some of them. Your opinions may differ from mine, but guess what? We can still be friends! #america (For your convenience, each title is linked to its Amazon listing.) It should also be noted that each list is fluid and should not be read as a 1 - 5 but rather a collection of excellence or crappiness. I have avoided synopses & reviews for the sake of brevity.
TOP 5
41: A Portrait of My Father, George W. Bush
The Girl on the Train, Paula Hawkins
Until You're Mine, Samantha Hayes
Orphan Train, Christina Baker Kline
The Admissions, Meg Mitchell Moore
NEXT 5
The President's Shadow, Brad Meltzer (side bar - literally just learned this is part of a series?)
The Rumor, Elin Hilderbrand
Philomena, Martin Sixsmith
The Girl in the Spider's Web, David Lagercrazntz
Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee
BOTTOM 5
Reality Boy, A. S. King
My Sunshine Away, M. O. Walsh
The Rosie Effect, Graeme Simsion
Luckiest Girl Alive, Jessica Knoll
Alias Hook, Lisa Jensen
So let's hear it blogosphere! What books captivated you in 2015? Which books made you sad you wasted your time? Let's get this conversation moving!
My Top 5 are books I would read again at least once, maybe twice, and would probably watch a movie version if it were made. These are the books that I raved about and tell everyone to read. My Next 5 are those that I would read again and maybe see a movie. They were outstanding but not in the upper echelon of all that I read and heard. In a different year, they may have made the Top 5. My Bottom 5 are the books that I wished I hadn't even wasted my time on. They were either weird, sad, a waste of time, or a combination of some of them. Your opinions may differ from mine, but guess what? We can still be friends! #america (For your convenience, each title is linked to its Amazon listing.) It should also be noted that each list is fluid and should not be read as a 1 - 5 but rather a collection of excellence or crappiness. I have avoided synopses & reviews for the sake of brevity.
TOP 5
41: A Portrait of My Father, George W. Bush
The Girl on the Train, Paula Hawkins
Until You're Mine, Samantha Hayes
Orphan Train, Christina Baker Kline
The Admissions, Meg Mitchell Moore
NEXT 5
The President's Shadow, Brad Meltzer (side bar - literally just learned this is part of a series?)
The Rumor, Elin Hilderbrand
Philomena, Martin Sixsmith
The Girl in the Spider's Web, David Lagercrazntz
Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee
BOTTOM 5
Reality Boy, A. S. King
My Sunshine Away, M. O. Walsh
The Rosie Effect, Graeme Simsion
Luckiest Girl Alive, Jessica Knoll
Alias Hook, Lisa Jensen
So let's hear it blogosphere! What books captivated you in 2015? Which books made you sad you wasted your time? Let's get this conversation moving!
Thursday, November 26, 2015
grateful
It's been a month to the day since our profile has "officially" been released for viewing. Y'all, this is tough. We've spent so much time in prayer over this birth mother that will choose us and this precious baby that will one day be ours. We have entrusted our hearts and our plans to God, but nothing can really prepare you for the waiting. The waiting has indeed been blessed, as we've gotten to do things that are "just" us. But it's also really really - really - tough.
It's difficult to actually put that faith and trust into action. It's tough knowing that with the holidays approaching, we will be faced with numerous questions of, "When are we getting a baby?" and having to answer, "We have no idea." It's tough being Captain Type-A and not being able to plan even the next month because of the unknown. It's tough being told that this birth mother was a no. It's trying to pretend to keep it all together. And maybe I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to have all of the answers. Sometimes it's tough to admit that.
I was telling one of my dearest friends about the latest "no" we received, and he quickly reminded me of all of the things I have to be grateful for: a home with space for this baby, a wife who loves Jesus first and foremost, jobs with which we can support this baby, a close-knit group of friends who will support us on this journey, the sheer amount of fundraising we've been able to do in the past 15 months. He reminded me of Psalm 126:3, "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Woah - that one hit me right in the teeth.
You see, I have so very much for which to be grateful - the fact that two birth mothers have chosen life in their circumstances; the greatest support system I could even dream of; a social worker who prays for us daily and updates us constantly of the progress; the sheer number of people who have invested their finances, time, and prayers into us; a nursery that we could literally use tonight if we had to. I could go on for days of the things for which I am grateful within our adoption.
Outside of our adoption, my list is just as long. I am grateful for truly the greatest school district in the country, a group of coworkers there who have my back in all things and can't wait to meet the newest member of our little math-nerd family, the same scenario in my wife's school, two families who love us and our future child beyond my wildest imagination, friends who speak truth into my life when I need it the most, a God who blesses me beyond what I deserve. And I am thankful that each "no" is just a stepping stone on the path to His best "yes." Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!
It's difficult to actually put that faith and trust into action. It's tough knowing that with the holidays approaching, we will be faced with numerous questions of, "When are we getting a baby?" and having to answer, "We have no idea." It's tough being Captain Type-A and not being able to plan even the next month because of the unknown. It's tough being told that this birth mother was a no. It's trying to pretend to keep it all together. And maybe I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to have all of the answers. Sometimes it's tough to admit that.
I was telling one of my dearest friends about the latest "no" we received, and he quickly reminded me of all of the things I have to be grateful for: a home with space for this baby, a wife who loves Jesus first and foremost, jobs with which we can support this baby, a close-knit group of friends who will support us on this journey, the sheer amount of fundraising we've been able to do in the past 15 months. He reminded me of Psalm 126:3, "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Woah - that one hit me right in the teeth.
You see, I have so very much for which to be grateful - the fact that two birth mothers have chosen life in their circumstances; the greatest support system I could even dream of; a social worker who prays for us daily and updates us constantly of the progress; the sheer number of people who have invested their finances, time, and prayers into us; a nursery that we could literally use tonight if we had to. I could go on for days of the things for which I am grateful within our adoption.
Outside of our adoption, my list is just as long. I am grateful for truly the greatest school district in the country, a group of coworkers there who have my back in all things and can't wait to meet the newest member of our little math-nerd family, the same scenario in my wife's school, two families who love us and our future child beyond my wildest imagination, friends who speak truth into my life when I need it the most, a God who blesses me beyond what I deserve. And I am thankful that each "no" is just a stepping stone on the path to His best "yes." Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!
Friday, November 20, 2015
silly shonda
Dearest Shonda Rhimes,
Last night, you lost a fan. And not just a fan but a super fan. A fan who had seen every single episode of Scandal and could hold a rousing discussion on the merits of this move by Olivia over that move. A fan who begged for the return of Jake as Olivia's man over Fitz. A fan who remembers watching the very first episode (which was so poorly shot and wardrobed by comparison) in the hotel room with his dad the night before his own wedding. A fan who would binge watch old episodes just for fun. A fan who is currently writing this blog from the future nursery of the baby that he and his wife have prayed for fervently for years and are currently waiting to adopt. And he has had enough.
You see, I sat by for too long without speaking out about the atrocities of some of the content of his beloved show because I just wanted to keep up with the times and be able to have those aforementioned conversations with my friends and family members. I endured the torrid love affairs of famous-fixer-Olivia on a weekly basis. I stood by and watched as all the characters seemed to show no evidence of possessing a moral compass. I cheered every time Papa Pope's plans were foiled. I acted as if these characters were real people whom I knew - and that's probably going too far on my behalf. All in the name of entertainment. And for that, I only have myself to blame.
I stayed up late (an accomplishment in itself) for the touted winter finale. I enjoyed my Thursday ironing rituals as I prepared myself for what was surely to be a life-changing episode. And truth be told, it did change my life. But not in the way that I expected. I sat on the couch beside my wife who has been tirelessly working her book business to help raise funds to bring home this baby we have been praying and dreaming of. And then the unthinkable happened. I mean, we all know that you are always on the forefront of the social issues of the day, so I guess it really isn't that unthinkable.
As Mellie filibustered for days and days just to keep her Planned Parenthood funding around (and let's be honest, I didn't need another reason to despise her fried-chicken-eating crazy self), I never dreamed you would take your stance one step further. What happened in that doctor's office sickened me to a new level. I instantly felt my face flush and my blood pressure rise. In that instant, Olivia Pope became a statistic - joining more 700,000 US women who have not chosen life (latest statistics only are available through 2011). Edited to add: Black women are nearly 4 times as likely (they make up 13% of the population, yet account for 37% of all abortions) to abort than non-hispanic white women. Considering the fact that many young girls, especially African-American ones, view Olivia as a role model, this is particularly troubling. And my lovely wife grabbed the remote, pressed stop, and then erased the recording.
You see, we drew a line in the sand last night. I can't continue to support something that sickens me to the core all in the name of entertainment. How convenient for you to choose to promote how lives matter when you wanted to pull from the police-shoot-innocent-boy headlines. But strange how this unborn child didn't matter enough to warrant a chance to become something. Shonda, you are indeed a gifted storyteller, and I can only imagine the great story you would've woven from this birth - fast forward 30 years and imagine what he or she really could've done for the world. But nope, that wouldn't have advanced your leftist agenda. And heaven surely forbid we don't provide these contraceptive services to women "in need." And let's be honest, as wealthy as Olivia is, she could have afforded some good birth control (it's the only way this hasn't happened in the first 4.5 seasons as much as she gets around).
When you go through the trials of infertility, any one who would willingly end the life of a child instantly affects you. You think of all the things you could have said to her to change her mind. You wonder if you could have done anything at all to influence her decision. When you are waiting to be chosen by a birth mother, these feelings are amplified. I can't help but think of what a fantastic story adoption would have made. Why didn't that become an option (since apparently Olivia actually birthing the President's baby wasn't even on the table)? Abby has really gotten her life together (in my oh so humble opinion) and would have made a fantastic mother. Or some random couple from somewhere in America - not even a series regular. Adoption paints such a beautiful portrait of the Gospel and redemption in Christ. It isn't a "final" option or last resort, but it should have been the only option in this case. Life matters. From conception to death. End of story.
You see, Shonda, had you chosen to weave in an adoption story, you would have had at least 2 even-more-devoted fans in this household. We would have shouted your praises from the rooftops and pointed to the ways that adoption is finally becoming part of the mainstream conversation. (And don't try to use Cyrus and James' adoption so many seasons ago as a valid reason of your doing that. It was merely convenient for you considering their status and circumstance.) In no way am I trying to vilify or indemnify you. I just want to express my deep hurt over this choice. In any way was it necessary? Did it move the plot (that has been centered on Olitz for far-too-long anyway, while we're at it) forward in any way? My answer is certainly and unequivocally no. And I am sad to say, my obsession with Scandal has ended. But hey, at least I can go to bed earlier on Thursdays now.
Sincerely,
Future Father
Last night, you lost a fan. And not just a fan but a super fan. A fan who had seen every single episode of Scandal and could hold a rousing discussion on the merits of this move by Olivia over that move. A fan who begged for the return of Jake as Olivia's man over Fitz. A fan who remembers watching the very first episode (which was so poorly shot and wardrobed by comparison) in the hotel room with his dad the night before his own wedding. A fan who would binge watch old episodes just for fun. A fan who is currently writing this blog from the future nursery of the baby that he and his wife have prayed for fervently for years and are currently waiting to adopt. And he has had enough.
You see, I sat by for too long without speaking out about the atrocities of some of the content of his beloved show because I just wanted to keep up with the times and be able to have those aforementioned conversations with my friends and family members. I endured the torrid love affairs of famous-fixer-Olivia on a weekly basis. I stood by and watched as all the characters seemed to show no evidence of possessing a moral compass. I cheered every time Papa Pope's plans were foiled. I acted as if these characters were real people whom I knew - and that's probably going too far on my behalf. All in the name of entertainment. And for that, I only have myself to blame.
I stayed up late (an accomplishment in itself) for the touted winter finale. I enjoyed my Thursday ironing rituals as I prepared myself for what was surely to be a life-changing episode. And truth be told, it did change my life. But not in the way that I expected. I sat on the couch beside my wife who has been tirelessly working her book business to help raise funds to bring home this baby we have been praying and dreaming of. And then the unthinkable happened. I mean, we all know that you are always on the forefront of the social issues of the day, so I guess it really isn't that unthinkable.
As Mellie filibustered for days and days just to keep her Planned Parenthood funding around (and let's be honest, I didn't need another reason to despise her fried-chicken-eating crazy self), I never dreamed you would take your stance one step further. What happened in that doctor's office sickened me to a new level. I instantly felt my face flush and my blood pressure rise. In that instant, Olivia Pope became a statistic - joining more 700,000 US women who have not chosen life (latest statistics only are available through 2011). Edited to add: Black women are nearly 4 times as likely (they make up 13% of the population, yet account for 37% of all abortions) to abort than non-hispanic white women. Considering the fact that many young girls, especially African-American ones, view Olivia as a role model, this is particularly troubling. And my lovely wife grabbed the remote, pressed stop, and then erased the recording.
You see, we drew a line in the sand last night. I can't continue to support something that sickens me to the core all in the name of entertainment. How convenient for you to choose to promote how lives matter when you wanted to pull from the police-shoot-innocent-boy headlines. But strange how this unborn child didn't matter enough to warrant a chance to become something. Shonda, you are indeed a gifted storyteller, and I can only imagine the great story you would've woven from this birth - fast forward 30 years and imagine what he or she really could've done for the world. But nope, that wouldn't have advanced your leftist agenda. And heaven surely forbid we don't provide these contraceptive services to women "in need." And let's be honest, as wealthy as Olivia is, she could have afforded some good birth control (it's the only way this hasn't happened in the first 4.5 seasons as much as she gets around).
When you go through the trials of infertility, any one who would willingly end the life of a child instantly affects you. You think of all the things you could have said to her to change her mind. You wonder if you could have done anything at all to influence her decision. When you are waiting to be chosen by a birth mother, these feelings are amplified. I can't help but think of what a fantastic story adoption would have made. Why didn't that become an option (since apparently Olivia actually birthing the President's baby wasn't even on the table)? Abby has really gotten her life together (in my oh so humble opinion) and would have made a fantastic mother. Or some random couple from somewhere in America - not even a series regular. Adoption paints such a beautiful portrait of the Gospel and redemption in Christ. It isn't a "final" option or last resort, but it should have been the only option in this case. Life matters. From conception to death. End of story.
You see, Shonda, had you chosen to weave in an adoption story, you would have had at least 2 even-more-devoted fans in this household. We would have shouted your praises from the rooftops and pointed to the ways that adoption is finally becoming part of the mainstream conversation. (And don't try to use Cyrus and James' adoption so many seasons ago as a valid reason of your doing that. It was merely convenient for you considering their status and circumstance.) In no way am I trying to vilify or indemnify you. I just want to express my deep hurt over this choice. In any way was it necessary? Did it move the plot (that has been centered on Olitz for far-too-long anyway, while we're at it) forward in any way? My answer is certainly and unequivocally no. And I am sad to say, my obsession with Scandal has ended. But hey, at least I can go to bed earlier on Thursdays now.
Sincerely,
Future Father
Saturday, October 10, 2015
we wait
I remember the day we told our pastor we had just filed our adoption papers and that he should be expecting a reference request from the agency. He quickly responded, "Air out your issues now, because a baby will quickly change that" as he prayed for us. In all honesty, I thought it was that generic marriage advice that everyone gives you right before you marry ("never go to bed angry," "communicate," "love each other," etc. etc. etc.). Standing on the other side of the filing, I can say he was spot on and his advice was far from generic. RAHD and I have always thought we had a strong relationship - we are honest with each other, we spend time with each other, and we are in general a good team.
Wow, were we jaded. If you truly want to test the strength of your marriage, try adding a few life changes to the mix. Might I suggest a few of the following - leaving a job, starting a new job, working to promote in an independent consulting business, adopting a baby. Let's compound all of this into a 6-month period. Seriously, this has been our life since April. No wonder we were recommended for counseling as we entered this adoption process.
If you've followed the journey on fb, you know that we spent the majority of the summer not in the home study interviews but on marriage counseling. I'm not gonna lie - I HATED the idea of our needing it at first. Maybe it was my pride stepping in the way of what needed to be done for our relationship. I almost felt vindicated in my beliefs when our friends were shocked that we had to enter counseling. But how much do they really know aside from the high points we share on the social medias? Please don't take this as an outcry for more honesty in the things we share on facebook, instagram, and the like - it's more of a plea to be honest with ourselves, y'all. We have GOT to stop believing that the things we post (a) validate us, (b) make us better than someone else on our friend list, and (c) are the only truth about our lives. {Is it possible to step on your own toes, because I'm pretty sure I just did?}
We were paired with the most fantastic counselor this summer who walked us through what attachment looks like in secure versus insecure adults, the need for more communication within our marriage, and our own issues with avoidance. She challenged us to work on our relationship and really pour into each other. I mean, if we are preparing to welcome a child into our home and if we are already empty, there is no way we could effectively pour into this child and raise him the right way. Two months - a lot of homework and prayer, and more tissues than I can count - later, we were given the clearing to formally enter the home study process. We are eternally grateful for an agency who believes in the strength of marriage while also preparing families for adoption.
The home study process for us actually lasted about 10-12 weeks from the first home visit to the final interview. We answered question after question about our lives and backgrounds, our feelings on birth parent ministry and trans-racial adoption, and attachment and relationships. Because of all our counseling work over the summer, the questions were truthfully not overwhelming since we had already discussed most of them and needed to put our answers in writing. After our third interview, we were told to begin working on our profile book (what a friend of mine referred to, fittingly, as the "parent catalog") to show to birth mothers. Observations: compartmentalizing your life into "about me," "marriage," "home," and "nursery plans" while being mindful of choosing the "right" pictures and speaking of yourself exclusively in third person is exhausting. And a tad bit weird. {Real talk moment here - we fought over this book. And not just over things like fonts and backgrounds. We had a major argument over my own stubbornness and starting the book without seeking help. I was prideful in my own digital scrapbooking abilities if we're being real, and I didn't want to ask for help or seek assistance on a book that is to represent our marriage and our life - ouch. After some tears and some time to vent into my journal, we came together to work on the book and were able to complete it and send it to our social worker for approval.} She made some suggestions about which photo would be best on the cover, an appropriate ending, and other things to make it better. We finally settled on an appropriate cover photo that was actually the very first wedding photo we saw from our photographer's first round of edits. God is in the details. Our social worker said over and over "I saw you and heard you throughout this book," which is exactly what we wanted.
Our final interview was yesterday, and we actually had a chance to speak with our counselor from this summer and catch her up on what God is doing in our marriage and in our adoption. It was such a sweet reunion. In our interview, we talked about what the process will look like from here, and frankly, it is a lot of waiting. And I mean a lot. We will wait an additional 2-3 weeks for our home study document to be finalized and approved before our profile book can be shown to potential birth mothers. Then we wait for her to read several profiles at one time before choosing. And we wait to hear from our social worker on a yes or a no. And we wait for another round of viewing if it's a no. And we wait for delivery if it's a yes. And we wait for relinquishment of rights. And we wait for ICPC clearance if it's an out-of-state birth mother. And we wait for adoption day at the agency where we sign papers and get legal documents. And we wait for our day in court when we will stand before a judge with our family there, promising to care for this child.
And we wait for this child to have his first tooth, his first day of school, his first friend, his first heartbreak, and so many other milestones. We wait for the first time we hold this precious gift. There is peace in the waiting. As our social worker prayed over us at the end of our interview, she prayed "bless the waiting," and it hit me {as I wept for the umpteenth time on that couch} that this doesn't have to be a stressful time. This is a time for RAHD and I to savor each other and enjoy the things about each other than make us tic. This is a time for us to pray evermore for our birth mother and future child. So many of you have bathed us in prayer, and we can never adequately express our gratitude to you.
Several people have asked for specific things to pray, so here it goes. Pray that God uses this time to teach us about himself and about each other, that we would savor the last of our "just us" days, and that we would earnestly seek his will when we view information on a potential birth mother. Pray that all of the birth mothers who read our profile are affirmed in their decision to choose life. Pray for the safety of our birth mother and child, for openness and peace, for her future - her goals and dreams, her family - her salvation, her strong support system, and that she be in the right place at the right time. Above all, pray that God be glorified in every step of this journey. Thank you for all you've done and continue to do for us. We love each of you.
Wow, were we jaded. If you truly want to test the strength of your marriage, try adding a few life changes to the mix. Might I suggest a few of the following - leaving a job, starting a new job, working to promote in an independent consulting business, adopting a baby. Let's compound all of this into a 6-month period. Seriously, this has been our life since April. No wonder we were recommended for counseling as we entered this adoption process.
If you've followed the journey on fb, you know that we spent the majority of the summer not in the home study interviews but on marriage counseling. I'm not gonna lie - I HATED the idea of our needing it at first. Maybe it was my pride stepping in the way of what needed to be done for our relationship. I almost felt vindicated in my beliefs when our friends were shocked that we had to enter counseling. But how much do they really know aside from the high points we share on the social medias? Please don't take this as an outcry for more honesty in the things we share on facebook, instagram, and the like - it's more of a plea to be honest with ourselves, y'all. We have GOT to stop believing that the things we post (a) validate us, (b) make us better than someone else on our friend list, and (c) are the only truth about our lives. {Is it possible to step on your own toes, because I'm pretty sure I just did?}
We were paired with the most fantastic counselor this summer who walked us through what attachment looks like in secure versus insecure adults, the need for more communication within our marriage, and our own issues with avoidance. She challenged us to work on our relationship and really pour into each other. I mean, if we are preparing to welcome a child into our home and if we are already empty, there is no way we could effectively pour into this child and raise him the right way. Two months - a lot of homework and prayer, and more tissues than I can count - later, we were given the clearing to formally enter the home study process. We are eternally grateful for an agency who believes in the strength of marriage while also preparing families for adoption.
The home study process for us actually lasted about 10-12 weeks from the first home visit to the final interview. We answered question after question about our lives and backgrounds, our feelings on birth parent ministry and trans-racial adoption, and attachment and relationships. Because of all our counseling work over the summer, the questions were truthfully not overwhelming since we had already discussed most of them and needed to put our answers in writing. After our third interview, we were told to begin working on our profile book (what a friend of mine referred to, fittingly, as the "parent catalog") to show to birth mothers. Observations: compartmentalizing your life into "about me," "marriage," "home," and "nursery plans" while being mindful of choosing the "right" pictures and speaking of yourself exclusively in third person is exhausting. And a tad bit weird. {Real talk moment here - we fought over this book. And not just over things like fonts and backgrounds. We had a major argument over my own stubbornness and starting the book without seeking help. I was prideful in my own digital scrapbooking abilities if we're being real, and I didn't want to ask for help or seek assistance on a book that is to represent our marriage and our life - ouch. After some tears and some time to vent into my journal, we came together to work on the book and were able to complete it and send it to our social worker for approval.} She made some suggestions about which photo would be best on the cover, an appropriate ending, and other things to make it better. We finally settled on an appropriate cover photo that was actually the very first wedding photo we saw from our photographer's first round of edits. God is in the details. Our social worker said over and over "I saw you and heard you throughout this book," which is exactly what we wanted.
Our final interview was yesterday, and we actually had a chance to speak with our counselor from this summer and catch her up on what God is doing in our marriage and in our adoption. It was such a sweet reunion. In our interview, we talked about what the process will look like from here, and frankly, it is a lot of waiting. And I mean a lot. We will wait an additional 2-3 weeks for our home study document to be finalized and approved before our profile book can be shown to potential birth mothers. Then we wait for her to read several profiles at one time before choosing. And we wait to hear from our social worker on a yes or a no. And we wait for another round of viewing if it's a no. And we wait for delivery if it's a yes. And we wait for relinquishment of rights. And we wait for ICPC clearance if it's an out-of-state birth mother. And we wait for adoption day at the agency where we sign papers and get legal documents. And we wait for our day in court when we will stand before a judge with our family there, promising to care for this child.
And we wait for this child to have his first tooth, his first day of school, his first friend, his first heartbreak, and so many other milestones. We wait for the first time we hold this precious gift. There is peace in the waiting. As our social worker prayed over us at the end of our interview, she prayed "bless the waiting," and it hit me {as I wept for the umpteenth time on that couch} that this doesn't have to be a stressful time. This is a time for RAHD and I to savor each other and enjoy the things about each other than make us tic. This is a time for us to pray evermore for our birth mother and future child. So many of you have bathed us in prayer, and we can never adequately express our gratitude to you.
Several people have asked for specific things to pray, so here it goes. Pray that God uses this time to teach us about himself and about each other, that we would savor the last of our "just us" days, and that we would earnestly seek his will when we view information on a potential birth mother. Pray that all of the birth mothers who read our profile are affirmed in their decision to choose life. Pray for the safety of our birth mother and child, for openness and peace, for her future - her goals and dreams, her family - her salvation, her strong support system, and that she be in the right place at the right time. Above all, pray that God be glorified in every step of this journey. Thank you for all you've done and continue to do for us. We love each of you.
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